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Hi Rose and welcome!

I think the fact that he is hiding it, telling you not to tell people speaks volumes. You're not behind on any bills yet. I think you are right to trust your gut feeling-it could become a very big deal. He probably wants to play it down to you- trying to convince himself at the same time. Has anything triggered his latest slip? If he has abstained before he can do it again. Be careful and continue to watch the finances. I think you're right to be concerned and he should seek help. CG can be very good at making partners think they are wrong- I've so been there! Stay strong and vigilant!

Hi Rose_26

I am a recovering CG.

"Thing is he's got me questioning myself all the time, we're not behind on any bills etc so is it a big deal? But it is if he's hiding it?"

YES, it's a problem. The fact that he is trying to minimise the deceit, the hiding, it's a very big problem. The bills may very well be paid, but is any money being put aside for your future together? Is he gambling every spare cent he has? Do you know whether he has any debts?

"He also doesn't understand why I've told my family and friends and says I should have kept it between us and sorted it ourselves.."

It is best to get the support that you may need now. Family and friends can help you, and him if he wants the help.

You said that he has been to GA. Is he willing to go back again? From your post, I gathered that he had abstained from gambling while he was attending GA.

I intend to go to a GA meeting once a week, every week for the rest of my life. I treat the meeting as my weekly medicine, a reminder of how bad things were when I was gambling, and a reminder that I will never be cured, because there is no cure to addiction.

Best wishes

Hi, thank you for replying.
He does have debts, we both have..
He keeps making me feel like I have an addiction too. I have spent too much money on clothes recently and haven't been particularly great with it in the past, but don't think I'm addicted..
He's lost a house, and has numerous debts. I put it down to just generally being bad with money but he is definitely a CG.
He's not willing to go back to GA this time and keeps saying they can't say anything to him that I can't and wants me to be his support, but I feel I can't do that alone..
Well done for seeking help, and continuing with GA, it can't be easy

And thank you Katiecola, I will trust my instincts 🙂
Its good to know I'm not reading too much into it, feels like I'm going crazy sometimes!

Firstly i must congratulate your partner for knowing everything GA has to offer after attending for a short while. Personally i have attended a minimum of 1 meeting a week for 8 years & still walk out every week having learnt something new. Perhaps im just a slow learner, my life with a gambling addiction certainly seems to suggest that! Years & years of making the same mistakes, changing nothing but expecting things to be different the next time.

You wont force him to change his behaviour unless he wants to. Neither will GA, counselling or willpower.

Protect yourself & children. Things are going to get worse if he continues to gamble.
I would lay out what his options are. What you expect of him if the relationship is to continue then leave him to make his choice.
Do not comprise your view or believe his lies. Take a stand & stick to it.

Ps might also want to get a credit check done to see what the actual financial situation is

day@atime

Although I have no real idea of what GA offers I also gathered that he cannot have gotten everything he possibly could out of it by going for a short time.. He made excuses about how they asked him to chair a meeting a he didn't want to go back and do that, and was offended by one guy who said that he'd been coming each week saying he hasn't gambled and this week he actually hadn't.. So felt like what was the point if people are going to lie..
But I know these are excuses and he does need help really.
But I don't think I can give it to him
I feel like our future was all mapped out, we were getting married and were happy but he still continued to gamble and lie. I just feel like I cant trust him anymore, again!
I've been with him since I was 18, and don't feel like I can carry on this way anymore..
So like you say I'm going to set some clear ground rules and be selfish for a while and see what happens..

Hi Rose_26

It seems to me that you understand him pretty well. A gambler in action can not be trusted. He is justifying his inability to seek help for his addiction. He will continue to gamble until he wants to stop.

Once you lay out your ground rules, stay firm. He will try to manipulate you if he can.

Best wishes

Hi,
Thank you for replying.
It's all become about other issues now and my head is all over the place.
I've said he needs to go to GA or counselling; some kind of step to show me he knows its a problem and to seek help.
But he's just saying he's made a mistake and I should take his word for it..
Confused!

Hi Rose_26

You aren't confused. Trust your first instincts. I can't disagree with anything that you have previously posted.

The vast majority of gamblers are very good liars. We have to be to keep up the deceit. We will justify our actions, to our partners, friends, and to ourselves. We will minimise any perceived shortcomings that our gambling might cause. We quite often try the blame game , "you are at fault not me".

Read some of the trials that family and partners have gone thru on this forum. You will find that you have read him very well. Trust yourself.

Best wishes

Trust your instincts.

AN active CG will bring in so many other issues, I was told so many reasons why our money problems were my fault not his, so many insults, very personal abusive comments. The penny dropped one day and I stopped reacting, i stopped defending myself, I knew i was right, I knew he was lying, i knew he was just saying things to hurt me. His actions were all to deflect attention from his addiction and the problems it had caused, most of which i didnt know the extent of.

As ive said elsewhere, i spent a good 48 hours where my only response to his abuse was to say "you are ill, get help, get help from someone who isnt me", i just ignored every tantrum like he was a toddler, he must have been close to rock bottom anyway, but he broke before i did.

Get a fresh persepctive on this, do you really have to explain yourself, defend yourself from the things he says that are just lies? Let go and look at it all, its lies and deflections. Deep breath. You know whats going on, trust yourself.