Hi, first post, I recently discovered my partner has been gambling throughout our whole relationship. I had suspicions as at points he would be short of money but has a good job and gets accommodation with his job so very little outgoings. But he would tell me he’d put extra in savings or a bill for the car etc. I caught him as he left an app open online for football and he said he’d only placed a few and would shut the accounts down. Which I thought was ok as didn’t know how bad it all was. Last week in all came out that he’d been gambling all the time and he had lost a considerable amount of money, taken out credit cards to transfer debt onto so he could run up more, cleared all his wages and savings and was attempting to get a loan but got refused. It got so bad and losses mounted so high he became suicidal and admitted this all to myself and his parents. I didn’t get angry or shout I just told him I’d support him and help him and get him through it all. He attended his first meeting last week and I went along with him and I’ve taken control of all cards and accounts, reported all cards connected to the sites he was using as lost so have been issues with all new ones which he has no access to. My initial reaction was extreme worry and I felt awful for him being so heavily addicted as it’s taken over everything. However in the days following I have found myself really struggling and really unsure how to deal with it, I don’t know if I’m allowed to be angry and voice this to him that I feel angry I feel hurt about all the lies and have no trust in him but again do I tell him this is how I feel or will this make him upset and maybe make it worse for him trying to not gamble really unsure would greatly appreciate others experiences and advice here.
Hello Lei Cee,
I think you should tell him how you feel. Its important that he understands how this has affected you and those around him/you that his gambling has effected. All i would say is be calm and don't turn it into an arguement. You are both likely to having strong, raw emotions right now. Just sit down and calmly put your side across. If he wants to stop he will take it on board (he probably knows to a point how you must be feeling). He has to want to do this for himself but you have to work together and both be honest. He may get upset. It's not easy to face what we have done, its another reason we continue to hide and just carry on carrying on.
It would be helpful for you both to learn and understand this addiction. I would suggest you look into getting counselling too. You can learn how to help him and talk to other friends and family of compuslive gamblers that can help you with the emotions and worries you have about moving forwards together.
Keep active on here there are many people in your postion. This forum has a good amount of help and advice to help you too!
Hi lei cee I'm glad you found the forum and are seeking support. You are entitled to have feelings and to express them. None of this is your fault and whatever you say or do will not affect whether he gambles or not. Supporting a compulsive gambler is great but don't be tempted to sort everything for him, help pay debts, that's his responsibility. This is a tough journey and you will feel every emotion. Trust is a long way off when you've just discovered this. Best thing is to take control of finance and download software blocks. GA meetings are great and he should continue with that. You can call gamcare and get support. There is counselling for partners affected by compulsive gamblers. Also a gamanon meeting if there is one near you, support from others who have real life experience is invaluable. Talk on here, ask questions. Look after you.
THanks so much for these responses. Feel I really need some guidance. I have control of all finances may I please ask what is a software block? I was offered to go to gamanon when I attended the meeting with him last week I think I will definitely go along and meet others and talk about things as I am finding it very difficult with so many emotions and feelings popping up. I have zero trust in him just now which feels horrible to say but the depth of the lies is too much.
Hi lei cee software blocks are apps that you download to devises. I'm not an expert, my husband used k9. It stops gambling sites on your computer and gadgets. There are a few some free some not. I think you can also contact your broadband provider and ask them to stop sites. Gamanon is good if there is meeting near you, I go. Also if today is a struggle call and talk to gamcare.
You'd have to be a saint not to react to what you've been told. It's fine to get angry. It's fine not to trust him. Speaking for myself Mr L will never have unscrutinised access to the bank accounts again. If your partner has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why on both counts.
Your priority must be protecting yourself financially and emotionally. There's a lot of advice and support available to him should he choose to look for it and use it. Concentrate on you and what you need.
Hi Lei Cee,
Welcome to the Forum!
You have already received many responses from other members and I hope that you will find the support here helpful. For additional advice, you can always speak to an advisor on the Helpline on 0808 80 20 133 or contact the Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
Both services are open from 8am to midnight every day.
I have moved your thread to the Family and Friends section of the Forum. It can take a while to get used to the different sections and how to navigate your way through the Forum. This section might make it easier for you to interact with others who are in a similar situation and find their threads, too.
Kind wishes
Gabriele
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
