Hello Ella, congratulations, I've gone all broody at just the mention of a new baby, very happy for you about that bit if your post.
Has he said anything about going to GA meetings or getting help. This illness is clearly not being controlled with willpower alone and he has to do something about it, its not up to you to solve it, offering your support is the most anyone can do.
If he is in recovery, yes you can have a life without trust. I love Mr P wholeheartedly, he is my hero and I trust him with my life, our children's lives, but I don't trust him with money. If your gambler is committed to recovery, you can work this stuff out, but if he is counting on you to keep paying the bills and thinks he will just get over gambling, you are fighting a losing battle and your baby deserves all his mum's love and attention, don't waste it on a gambler.
I didn't go back to work after the last period of maternity leave. I'm not paying off my gambler's debts, its a full time job looking after us all and I don't need the stress of working that round a job too. Less money, but emotional and financial security achieved. Mr PS wages, every penny, comes to me and I decide what's done with it.
If your gambler wants to beat his addiction, there is a way forward, we know how you feel now, we've been there, you're not alone. If he doesn't want to deal with it, the future is not so rosy, good job you came here, we've been there too, you're not alone.
Keep talking
He seems really willing to give up. He says he's glad I found out. He's allowed me to log on to all of his betting accounts and do the self-exclusion thing. He's willing to give me control over all of our finances. He's made an appointment today at the doctors to get some antidepressants and talk to his GP about some counselling and he has also allowed me to put a software block on all of our devices our phones, pc, tablet and playstations. I think the step he needs to most importantly take is telling his family as I know that although I can have control of all our finances his mum lends him money quite often if he needs it and if she doesn't know what he's doing with it then she will carry on doing so. However, I think that will also be the hardest part for him so I'm not going to force him into doing it too quickly. The worry I have is I see a lot of people are giving there partner a limit that they can spend a week so they don't have to go cold turkey buty partner says he doesn't want this. I'm worried that going cold turkey will make him relapse quicker x
Okay. All bills already come out of my account but he was just spending a lot of his wages and not transferring much to me so I have ended up getting deep into my overdraft paying all the bills. I just assumed we'd been spending more than I thought as although the money comes out of my account he generally controls how much bills are and he always has my card normally (not for any reason other than that he drives and I don't so he has my card for petrol xxx
Mr P finds the financial limits to be a relief, no matter what happens, if he goes off the rails, he can't blow more than the days lunch and coffee money, total financial control keeps us both sane.
There are exceptions, we took all the kids out to dinnerva few weeks ago and I gave him the cash to pay for it. Which he did, and gave me the change when we got home without me asking for it. But we are a long way down the road and actually he is quite good with cash, he can see its money, its the plastic that wasn't real for him.
Anyway, total control of finances by one partner is not actually as draconian as it sounds, and I have found that it is not even unusual, some people it just suits even when neither is a gambler.
There are plenty if ways of rebuilding his self esteem with out him having access to money, it won't make him feel any better about himself, especially if he slips up again.
Ga meetings are really good for helping gamblers let go of these needs to control thingsthey would be happier if they let ggo of.
Hi Ella
I am a recovering CG.
Going 'Cold Turkey' is the only way to approach the addiction. We are very similar to alcoholics. You wouldn't give an alcoholic a bottle of spirit a week would you? You know that the alcoholic would se that as an appetizer only and be needing the main course! The same applies to a gambler.
He can do absolutely anything in life that so called 'normal' people do, except for one thing. He can NEVER have another bet in his life. The GA rooms are full of tales about people who have had months or even years of recovery behind them, all it took was one bet and they were on the gambling binge again.
As you have already been advised, your partner will not stop unless he wants to. He is showing promising signs however that he is serious about tackling the addiction. I would advise that he thinks seriously about attending GA on a regular basis. We know how is feeling, and the many pitfalls that await him. He will get a lot of advice and support from people who have been in his position.
Take on board the advice that has been given by previous posters. The advice is given by some very wise people who have trodden in similar footsteps that you are now in.
Take care
Thank you all so much for the advice so far. We have looked into GA meeting and unfortunately there are none in the city we live in but we are looking into him seeing a counsellor for it. I think the hardest part for him will be telling family and friends and he hasn't mentioned of/when he plans on doing so but he has a very supportive family who I believe will really help to aid his recovery. I also think that once they know it limits his access to money further as I now know he borrows money off of his mum quite often (this isn't usually specifically for gambling, it's to pay for things like petrol as he's run out of money because of gambling it away if that makes sense) he has said that when he has no money in his account he doesn't feel the urge to gamble as he knows he doesn't have the money but when he gets paid he finds it hard not to gamble away his wages that are supposed to be for bills etc if that makes sense so I think the first milestone he needs to pass is this first payday (end of the month) since I've found out. Fingers crossed he will transfer it all over to me as soon as its received like he's supposed to. I think it's safe to say I'll be having a close eye on him that day!!! It's only been a week since I found out and we've argued every day since. I'm finding it really hard to keep from getting angry at him for it as I know it's an illness so I find myself lashing out about trivial things to compensate. Now I feel like the one in the wrong 🙁
Oh hi ella-toni , it sounds like we are going through very simular things as each other, but my husband doesn't think he has a problem apart from he thinks I am The problem.......
I think he is going to chose Roulette over me and there is nothing I can do. I took his bank card as sick of wages being gambled and not having anything left for going out or spending on the home. He went mad..today is payday and his wages haven't gone into his account so think he has swopped it unless it'a a day late because it was bank Holiday (hoping it's that..mad I kmow)
He hasn't spoken to me for 2 weeks now and is so cross...you would think it was me that had done some think wrong....
Feeling this weekend will be the end for us..so not what I want but cannot carry on .
Hi lovely15. So sorry to hear that! Step one is admitting you have a problem and unfortunately that's the hardest part. I supposed I'm lucky that my other half does want to get better it's just whether or not he'll try to get help or just expect it to happen on it's own. I really hope your husband gets to admitting he has a problem and stops blaming you x
Hi lovely15. So sorry to hear that! Step one is admitting you have a problem and unfortunately that's the hardest part. I supposed I'm lucky that my other half does want to get better it's just whether or not he'll try to get help or just expect it to happen on it's own. I really hope your husband gets to admitting he has a problem and stops blaming you x
Hi ella-toni
You wrote..."he borrows money off of his mum quite often (this isn't usually specifically for gambling, it's to pay for things like petrol as he's run out of money because of gambling it away"
This is a very common mistake with partners and family of the gambler. His mum is actually paying his way to gamble. Every time she gives him money for petrol etc. he knows that he doesn't have to pay for his own petrol, and thus can use his money to gamble. Either way, she is enabling his gambling. Never bail a gambler out of their financial woes. They have to realise that their gambling has consequences. Financial problems are generally the ones that force the gambler to face up to the fact that they have a problem. If he hasn't got petrol money for the car, that is his problem. He chose to gamble the money away. Let him walk! Do not bail him out!
The sooner he tells his family the more accountable he will become. They should also be made aware that they shouldn't bail him out. Cut off his access to money.
Counselling is a good alternative to GA. As with any therapy, he must be totally honest with the counsellor. If he can open up and expose his feelings he will get a great deal of benefit.
As you have been told previously, he has to want to stop gambling, otherwise he just won't. You can't force him to stop.
Do not take any of the blame for his gambling. You are not the cause, nor are you the problem. The sooner he realises that he is the only person that can fix his problem the better for all concerned. You can only offer moral support through his recovery.
Take care
Gamblers blame everyone and everything but the gambling. Yep we do end up feeling like we're the ones to blame, after all we do get blamed enough.
Keep in mind that its the gambler talking, its the illness talking, but its not the person, whatever helps you separate the awful things they do and say from the person he once was. It can all be like water off a duck's back if you can see it for the lunacy it is. With an active gambler, you probably will be ignoring everything they say and do, seems harsh, but I found it helped both if us in the long run. If your gambler is in recovery, it helps you leave their gambling insanity in the past and focus on the new man appearing.
In short, don't listen to a madman's assessment of you, its going to be wrong.
He's just saying whatever it takes to get your purse open, its not personal.
Enabling. Its quite straightforward, don't give the gambler money for anything, he has to live within his means like the rest of us, or let someone run his finances, if he constantly needs to borrow, he's doing it wrong, and need to experience the consequences. In practice I know thus us emotional and complex. Mr P's mum and step dad are CGs, well at least one of them is, it us all so messy and intertwined and both will tell us how awful the other has become and then ask for money, so we just can't tell. So we refuse to help financially, because it doesn't really matter who's doing what or why, feeding money to it just prolongs it.
This does mean they tell everyone what bad people we are and don't speak to us for months sometimes (which is bliss), but I know that most people have no doubts about who has the problem, so again, water off a duck's back.
My husband blames me for his depression which he says is why he started in the first place. Now I'm not claiming to be the perfect wife but the way he speaks about how I make him feel about himself I have to question why he didn't leave me years ago. I don't know if this is the truth or an excuse. He always claims to love me and want to make me happy but I rarely see evidence of either. My response is that I haven't always been happy in our marriage either but I didn't get us into huge debt as a way of coping.
I was annoyed the other day because he has opened yet another form of credit and he couldn't understand why I had a problem with it. Got all annoyed with me and is still all narky. Another great weekend to endure.
His mental health is his responsibility, yours us yours. You are NOT to blame for what's going on and you don't have to put up with it.
Hi Katiecola
At the height of my gambling I had 7 credit cards all maxed out. I knew that providing I paid the minimum due each month, after 6 months they would automatically offer to increase the limit on my cards. 🙁 This way, I was always going to have access to money.
Gambling and credit/debt go hand in hand. They do not make for a good nights sleep though.
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