New to forum, looking for support/reassurance.

Hi Amanda I'm the wife of a compulsive gambler too. The best place for support and learning how to live with a compulsive gambler is a gamanon meeting. I've had counselling a few times but it doesn't last forever. Group meetings will give you ongoing support. Unfortunately this won't get better overnight and if he doesn't seek help it could get worse. Secure your finances and don't take on more of his debt. Take whatever help that's out there. My husband has no money or access, but nothing is foolproof. They have to want to stop too.

Hi

First thing to say is you weren't stupid. Most if not all of us have been there bailing our gamblers out, believing they've learned their lesson only to be let down spectacularly once again. It's a common pattern but it's there to be learned from.

Get the finances securely under your own control, see every credit report out there to establish the true extent of the debt (lying about it is another common trait)) , don't take on any more of his debt and don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof for yourself.

I didn't go down the group meeting route but I made sure I read as extensively as I could about the addiction and picked up tips to protect myself along the way. You should be aware though that if they are determined to carry on they will. Nothing will stop them. They can arrest it if they want it enough but the change has to come from them. Your job is to prioritise you and put your interests first.

Thank you both. 🙂

I have looked at GamAnon but there are no meetings in my area. Are there any other support groups for spouses that anyone can recommend?

I really will try with the finances but I am at a loss as to how to control it when everything is joint. I pretty much have control of all the household money and bills etc anyway so I know the mortgage will always be paid, but if he takes out credit cards I don't know how to stop him running them up - I suppose I can't stop that, but it will have a knock on effect to me.

I really think the practice should change and that gambling companies should not accept bets made with credit cards, neither should the card company allow these types of transactions. It's one thing to blow your own money but to rack up debt, no matter what the amount, is just so harmful. Back in the day you could not use credit to gamble with but things have changed for the worse.

Part of me wants to have total lock down, have his wages paid in to my account and just give him pocket money, like a child. The other part feels that doing that won't help as sometimes controlling partners make the other behave even more badly. It's all so complicated.

I hope you are both in good places. This is an awful position to be in. We are at the point in our lives where we should have extra cash for meals out, holidays etc, instead, although we earn the most we ever had and our kids are growing up, we have less money than ever and massive amounts of debt.

Hi Amandamac I have control of all bank accounts. Cash and receipt always. He has no credit cards. There is online gamanon meeting Sunday nights 8-9. You could go to alanon or coda (alcoholics or co-dependent). Any 12 step group. Taking control of money is vital. If he wants to stop he will gladly hand it over.

Hi again

It's a good idea to sever as much financial connection with him as you can.Shift savings and assets into your sole name and make sure he can't access the bank accounts. The only joint account we have is a current account I operate and monitor very regularly and Mr L puts everything he spends through that. I see receipts to check there's no cash going out under cover of legitimate spending and he doesn't carry even small change routinely. His salary goes into a basic bank account (no overdraft allowed) that I have the card to and operate. Neither of us have credit cards. It sounds daunting but once it's set up it becomes second nature for everyone.

You can't stop him applying for credit unfortunately. The US has a system to freeze credit applications but there's nothing like that here which is infuriating.The best I could come up with was a notice of correction added to his reports with every agency stating he does not want to be offered credit even if he applies for it and even if he appears to qualify. He also has defaults and a historic (gambling related) DMP on his record which has helped in keeping his score poor which suits me fine. I check the credit reports for every agency regularly to make sure no new cards, loans or secret bank accounts have appeared and I pay for a service with one which emails me if anything changes inbetween updates. Like anything it's not foolproof but it's better than nothing.

If your husband doesn't want to comply with the things you need to do, be wary. Likewise if he starts complaining about lack of financial control. If they really want to give up they will do everything in their power however inconvenient to help. If they don't want to restrict their opportunities to access the fuel for the fire it's a good idea to wonder why.

What does he say about all this? What has he done in the way of mechanical blocks to gambling? Is he exploring the location of GA groups and looking into counselling (free via Gamcare)? Alongside preventing his access to gambling he needs to start identifying and addressing whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.

Thank you both. This is very helpful information and I am starting to feel a little better about the enormity of it all.