I've recently found out my husband has been gambling and wracked up debt. Not enough to put our house at risk, but our savings are gone and he has thousands on a credit card to pay off. I'm devastated as I genuinely had no idea he was gambling. His father bankrupt himself through gambling and lost the house, walking out on his family when hubby was young so as far as I knew, he hated gambling. He knows what happened is wrong but I think he thinks that as he never defaulted on bills and can repay it (over 3 years) it's 'not that bad' or 'could have been worse'
He was caught out as I stumbled across some very telling emails. It's been going on for about 6 months and had I not found out, would likely still be going on. He swears he knew he had a problem and was going to tell me and stop, and now that I know it will never happen again. Do I believe him? How do I move on from the tangled web of lies he created to cover his tracks? I feel I need to mention that we've just had a baby and for the first time in our relationship I'm not the bread winner and rely on him for money now. While I was up at night feeding, he was sat secretly throwing away thousands of pounds and then looking me in the eye and lying away! We've always kept our finances separate but now I'm checking he banking all the time, have his credit card, etc - it feels like I have 2 children! Can trust ever be restored? I'm so ashamed that this has happened and don't feel I can tell my family. I made him tell his Mum but she will always side with her son. Is hiding it from family worse? I feel like I look back at happy times with our baby and it's all tainted by this huge lie.
Any advice or 'I've been there' greatly appreciated. TIA
Hi, Ash,
Sorry for being slow to reply but yes, I've been there. Nightmare. My husband is now abstaining after ten years? twenty? and nothing is easy.
Two things are vital for you to cope, support and information. There's a lot of both on the forum so Junior permitting, read as much as you can of the f&f section and also read the other posts and diaries of the CGs who post here. But this can be a particularly isolating problem, it can set you aside from, for example, the other mums. You need human support, from friends? A trusted relative? I would urge you to tell your parents, presumably they want the best for you and Junior and would be horrified to think that you're facing this alone. I would be. And as you've said, there's far too much lying in gambling as it is. The other possible reason for telling is to make sure that he doesn't seek to "borrow" from your relatives.
Information and advice is also on the forum. The staff on the helpline are very good. But I will recap the basics. It's his decision and his alone, whether or not to gamble. Nothing that you have said or done has made him gamble but the flip side of the same coin is that nothing that you say or do can prevent him from gambling. He controls him, you control you.
This is an addiction, so tempting as it is to believe him when he says that he'll stop, don't believe in what he says. I did accept lip service first time round and it proved to be an expensive mistake.
However, you can believe in what you see him doing. There is a lot he can do, but only if he decides that he wants to stop. He can go to multiple GA meetings. He can hand over financial control to you, that is all accounts, all passwords and let you drip feed him a minimal allowance, so that he has no access to funds for gambling. He can install blocking software on devices (mobile handsets can be hard to block effectively, safest is to use a non Internet version). He can permanently self exclude from bookies and casinos, real and on line. He can cooperate with you regularly checking his credit reports, so that you can see what the financial position actually is - there may well be credit that you don't know about in his name or yours.
It's worse for you now because you're financially dependent on him. If he does want to stop and the finances become totally transparent, it might be possible for you. But if not, the harsh reality is more of the same. And this addition is progressive, even if it's not too bad now, unchecked, he will lose everything. And take you and Junior with him.
Put your needs and Junior 's first, don't get distracted trying to save him from himself. Take care.
CW
Thank you for your replies both. It's nice to hear an 'I've been there', not that I'd wish gambling on anyone and their family. And thank you for reinforcing the point that this is an ADDICTION and therefore cannot be 'cured' by being caught. Time to broach GA again with him, this was something he didn't feel he needed. I think both of us are in denial about some if this problem.
It's bad timing for you with a small baby but don't bury your head in the sand and hope it will go away. It will get worse unless he decides he wants recovery. You can encourage him to go to GA but if he won't do what it takes to stop, some hard decisions lie ahead and you need all the support you can get to make them. One caveat - never make a threat to a CG that you're not prepared to carry through.
Look after yourself and Junior.
CW
To stop gambling, not to stop GA
I'm sorry you're going through this, I can understand your reluctance to tell your family. Even though as family of cg we do need the support of other people, I know I have not told any of my close family about my son as I don't want them to think bad of him. It is an addiction, you will doubt and question everything your husband says to you now. Your emotions will be mixed right now, read everything you can, join the chat room. There are some success stories on the forums. Hope you can help your husband to get into recovery from this addiction. Take care.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
