New to this......do I get out now?

Hi

I'm new to the forum too, but not the behaviours you're describing : (

I'm also seeking advice like you but I'm thinking if the gambling stops then something else will take it's place, ie alcohol. I'm pretty sure my husband has an addictive personality.

I'd love to hear from a gambler to advise what we should do as supportive partners, is there anything ?

Hi broken wife,

Yes I worry about this too as he has an addictive personality. Everything seems to be all or nothing.

Let's hope we both get some advice and things improve for the better. xx

Hello Misshopeful, hello Broken Wife,

My heart goes out to both of you. I cant give you any advise, but I can give you the view from the other side.

I am female and I have an addictive personality. In the past I suffered from s*x addiction (I am not native British and I was treated in a psychosomatic clinic for 16 weeks in 1996). I was classified as a person with eating disorders (1996), I smoke 40-60 per day and since 2006 I am a compulsive gambler.

From my experience I would say that people like me can function/live "normally" as long as all goes well. Grief, stress, illness, low selfesteem or similar are very dangerous though.

I was very honest with my husband in the past and with his help and love I overcame most of my problems.

Hubby thought all was fine and left all finances back to me. Big mistake.

During a very stressful time my gambling addiction came back, but I was too ashamed to tell him.

I personally feel that all I have left is my pride and I fell just too ashamed to admit to him that Im doing it again and I am desperately trying to get out of it without him finding out.

If you love your men, speak to them about the gambling. New gamblers arent always aware that it is an illness and they might get all angry and think they will win it all back. They wont.

If they are aware and if they want to get out of it, help them.

But dont forget, it never goes away - it may lay dormant for years and with the right trigger the monster can wake up and show itself in the same or in another form.

Take care of the finances - always! Hold the conversation open all the time, and never ever use it in future as munition in an argument. Gamblers are feeling low already, so dont kick their pride any more, it might send them back to the monster.

In my opinion it can work when you love the person enough and when you are strong enough and when the other person is aware that they have a problem.

Its not easy though.

Gambling is such a horrible monster and it changes people. If you decide to fight the monster together with your men, best of luck!

x

Morning

My name is Duncan I am a compulsive gambler in recovery, you are like my Wife the innocent victims of addiction,you are all in my mind more entitled to recovery than anyone else,as you did nothing wrong.

The compulsion to gamble does indeed turn the addict into a very different person,the deceipt and lies become part of every day life for them,well they did for me,all rational thinking is cast aside and eventually nothing else really matters except funding the next punt.

For me I gambled to within one day of losing the family home,I was so ashamed that I set of to gift my family my suicide as a gift to them,I had hid my dirty secret until I could not hide it any longer,a samaritan offered me some great advice

suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I returned home to confess to everything,and sought for the first time in my life help.

There is a wealth of help out there,there is this forum on which I have written a recovery diary since I started my own journey in january 2012,there is the GA room,counselling,cbt therapy even my gp has helped.

The but and there is a huge one,the addict has to want the help and to arrest the next bet more than they want to place it.

With recovery comes honesty,without 100% honesty it will fail

My wife shares my diary here,she reads every day,as do my children,we recover as a family,there recovery as important as mine.

20 months in I gambled,my wife had given me control of my finances back,we got complacent,maybe thought I was cured,that is a false dawn,addiction will always be there,it is about re educating the mind.

Something happened that day I gambled,I did not hide it,I said goodbye to it,I confessed all imediately and put the right blocks in place to stop it re-occuring.

Gambling in any form in my mind is totally unacceptable for the compulsive gambler,because we all live by the same mantra

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

there is no such thing as an innocent bet,it will lead to the next.

My advice take the help on offer for yourselves too,speak to netline,secure your assets,be upfront and honest with your partners.

You know that old saying

you can lead a horse to water,it's true with recovery too.

Write and share your feelings here too,it will help others on there own journey's as well as your own.

I won't wish you luck as like me many compulsive gamblers used that up long ago.

Today life is about making measured choices

educated ones

Life does improve with commitment and those gung ho qualities can be used to greater good,it really does not have to be a picture of doom and gloom.

There is a life after gambling,the addict just needs to taste it

You I hope reap the benefits of recovery too

As I stated at the start of this post all of you are blameless,the innocent victims of this cruel addiction.

Duncs stepping forward never back

If he has been a problem gambler for 20+ years I don't think they will make a miraculous recovery. If they recover, it will be years and years of hard work and tears will be shed. They are still lying, so they are not taking responsibility for their actions, and are not being responsible for you either. They really need to grow up.

I am a single guy and the thought of ever hurting my partner by lies and deciet is something I think I'd never do, but I can never say for certain.

It's good you have control of his finances, but remember that addicts usually find a way to cash no matter the method

If I was in your shoes, I would run. Gambling addiction is devasting for the partner and destroys everything. I wished I understood this at the beginning of my marriage and perhaps four years down the line I wouldn't be where I am today. Good luck in whatever you decide x

Thank you all for replying on here. I am hearing what I expected, but didn't really want to hear. I know I need to wise up and protect myself, but it's so hard when you are in love and remember the good times. That's why the cycle continues. They say they will try, get help and act really nice......then before long we find out another lie. Not even 2 months and I already get this!

To fedup2014 can I ask what is the worst bit you have found, the thing that is the most difficult? Also, has your partner made any effort to get help in the time that you have been together?

X

Hi Miss Hopeful,

Sorry for the late response. I guess the worst parts are the lies. They make you doubt yourself and make you go round and round in circles. He destroyed our trust in the marriage and I am struggling to get over this. My husband wants to change but I don't know if this is temporary. He still gets angry when I ask him to show me his bank statement and I'm pretty fed up to be honest. After four years, he has wore me down and my head is everywhere right now. Save yourself and get out. It seriously isn't worth the headache and the tears.

In regards to getting help, he went to GA two years ago and found it didn't help him. This last relapse he said, he knows what he needs to do but won't get professional help. That's why I'm worried, if he will relapse again. Has anyone had any experience that their partner has beaten the addiction without professional help?