Hi,
I recently found out that my partner has a severe gambling addiction, in which he has been lying throughout the whole of our relationship. I feel so hurt and betrayed, but do love him very much and know deep down he is a good man, but has a severe illness and therefore i have made the commitment to stay by him.
He has recognised his problem, and said in some ways he is relieved that it is now out in the open, as he’s been an addict for 19 years and no matter how much he wanted to, he just couldn’t stop. The lies became too much and he believed he couldn’t come clean as he was in all too deep. 🙁
Since it is all out, I have been really proud of his decisions - he goes to a local support group once a week, has a counselling call once a week, self excluded himself from all the local betting shops / casinos. Stopped access to all online gambling sites.
we have set up a new bank account for him, which I also have access to view. We have made it so he can’t make cash withdrawals or use the card for gambling. All his wages go into his old bank account, which now only I have access to, and I transfer small amounts of money to his new account as/when he needs it.
He has also set us up on Life360 so we can see each other’s location at any given time - I know there are ways to hack this, but it does give me some security.
all of the above has all come from him, he has made the suggestions or been willing to go along with everything- he wants to change, and I believe this.
So far he has completed 19 days - the most he has ever done in 19 years! However I am getting daily nightmares that he will find another way to gamble and put us in jeopardy.
i dream he will steal from his elderly father who has dementia
I dream he will open a new credit card without me knowing and rack up huge debts
i dream he will steal my credit card and rack up a debt without me realising before it’s too late.
i suppose I’m wondering are these nightmares normal for a loved one of a gambling addict?
should I discuss them with him? Or could this jeopardise his recovery if he feels I don’t believe in him?
or my worst fear - give him ideas on how to gamble of which he might not have thought of, but now gives temptation?
any advice/help would be greatly received, as these nightmares are devastating and then when I have one make me worry for the rest of the day.
Thankyou in advance 🙂
Hello Sedfran and Welcome.
You will feel some anxiety and it's also about some support for you. You can help him from a position of strength and knowledge so protect your finances while giving him the love and moral support he needs.
What you have done so far is great. You know the relationship and you will develop a sixth sense to protect both of you
Your dreams are normal in anxious times. In a way they give you a sign to act on by talking to him carefully when the time is right. It's about talking so dont be worried bringing things up. The anxiety will settle when you have strong control and blocks in place
You can never be complacent about his addiction but in time you will get calmer and learn the important signs of what needs to be done.
You have work to do in the background like making sure relatives with dementia can not be approached for money or new cards taken out. This is not easy and I respect you for helping him
It takes some tough love as he does the cold turkey to heal. Believe me he does not need your trust......he needs your love and support to get back his self respect and dignity. Some trust can come later but never full trust with money.
It's an addiction he will recover from over a lifetime. It can be done but you must understand the addiction is more like a drug craving and you must monitor this over the long term.
There is no shame in voicing your feelings and what you like from this relationship. Obviously he needs the reality check that you are a partner in this relationship and won't accept the waste of money or risks to stability. He needs to be fully aware that the relationship is not to be taken lightly and you expect him to be open and honest about his feelings.
So I wish you all the best and there is further support for you forum included
Hi @Sedfran, have you discussed getting access to a service like creditkarma? it's completely free, and you can track all outstanding loans, credit history, and even gambling affordability related soft searches. I use it to track my sibling's accounts. It's not instant, but rather, updates every 6 weeks or so. This way if he opens a new account, you will know.
Hi Sedfran
Well done to you and your partner. It sounds like he is taking the lead on his abstinence/recovery and you are doing your best to support him. I am a partner of a compulsive gambler and i would say on the first 3 mos of his abstinence i had similar bouts of anxiety. I didn’t have nightmares but i spent hours on the internet scouring about ways to prevent relapses and kept thinking about all the what if scenarios. I didn’t spell these all out to my partner but i was vocal about how i found this all to be traumatic and that i need my healing too. I need assurance. I need to verify and could not take just his word for anything related to finances. Otherwise i will feel paranoid, drained and exhausted. And this will ultimately affect our relationship. In the beginning of all this his words were something like ‘hopefully one day you’ll be able to fully trust me again’. But this eventually shifted to ‘thanks for doing all these checks on me and supporting me and being hard on me’. And i know that this shift is very much influenced by his GA meetings and by the 12 step programme.
I also get notifications of all his bank transactions (he manages what’s left in his bank after sendinf me mortgage, bills and savings) and i access his credit report with his consent.
Don’t get me wrong, i still experience anxieties now but it’s not as often because i came to terms with his illness and that i cannot live my life in fear of what ‘could’ happen.
I was clear about my conditions. I will support him relapses and all if he puts in the hard work. If he relapses, we will sit down and review what happened and how we can prevent it in the future- again he should take the lead. However i’m clear that I will give up if he relapses and keeps it a secret, start making excuses and stops all the hard work i see he’s doing now.
It’s not easy but it can be done and there is hope. And i hope that your relationship will be much stronger than ever.
Also, i was given a very good advice here on this forum to also sign up myself to gamstop which I did as a gambler may be tempted to use the credit card of their partner. All my cards also have the gambling block activated also. And i have the phone apps of all my banks which i regularly check. Some will find all these exhausting but i don’t, it takes me less than 2 mins to run all these checks and it gives me peace of mind.
Best wishes to you
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