Just thought I'd share my experience and hope someone doesn't make the same mistakes, plus trying to keep myself accountable. It's been so helpful to read the stories here; it's incredible how similar addicts' actions and words are, how textbook it all is.
I've been with my boyfriend together for a year, in which his addiction caused a ton of strain and half break-ups followed by new promises and attempts at new solutions.. (Even though I tried to inform myself from the start, I still realize I had no clue what I was in for... e.g., no idea handling an addict's money is standard practice; thought if he himself says he hates it, he will surely stop, etc...). I'm sorry to say I've bailed him out too many times - before I knew it was called enabling, I thought I was being a team player and doing what I wish another person would do for me in the same situation; and his parents bailed him out on much much larger expenses for much longer. I've always thought of myself as a pretty reasonable, independent person so I'm looking back at this year almost in shock asking myself how I could have ended up in this situation.. Some of the things that happened and that I 'understood' or 'forgave' are so embarassing to admit. But every crisis always seems like the last one, it's hard to know when to give up and at the end of the day, who wants to accept that your actions don't matter, sometimes things are just S****y and life doesn't owe you a happy ending?
Reading some of the stories here, I feel that I'm still so much luckier than many people with gambling partners in that it's only been a year; we don't have kids; I don't have to struggle for my own expenses because of him (except I could have of course enjoyed more nice things for myself for the money that was just basically wasted covering his crises). If I walk away today, I don't really have any problems to deal with than my feelings, his feelings, admitting defeat and maybe worrying about him in general.
He's coming back this week from a four-week working assignment where he was supposed to be able to save, and he's coming back almost broke again with new financial problems. He has not been dealing with his addiction or its consequences in any other way other than working and working and then working some more. Moving his timelines and our timelines (for things like vacations, paying back what he owes me, etc.). I'm so done. I've made it clear to him the other day I'm done understanding, supporting him, done being in a relationship with an active gambler if he does not take immediate steps that convince me his situation is improving other than working (all the standard steps - GA, giving over financial controls, saving money into an account that only I will have access to, zero tolerance for lies about gambling, etc.). Either concrete changes happen or I'll just need to be finally gone. I know that even if he sincerely does all that now, there is still a risk of future relapses, and it will be a continuous battle for him but I sure as hell am not going to be draining myself of money, time and energy any longer to help someone who #### on all of that. It's so sad because (it's almost a cliche isn't it) we would be just very happy together without the addiction between us, but if getting rid of his addiction is ultimately not a priority for him, I really really don't want to find myself still here in many years, writing new posts, still going to GamAnon and regretting wasting ten, twenty years fighting his problems, doing without many things other people effortlessly afford just because they don't throw away alllll of their money in one go. It's hard to give up on an otherwise good person and realize that he is to some extent, manipulated by the gambling industry to donate all his money to the slot machines, to the casinos. It's not like he uses other people's money for expenses and goes off an buys luxuries for himself, he has basically only his car, and even that his family helped him buy. He'll be hungry and still go gamble. And it does make me angry it's legal for a person with a supposedly recognized illness to go in and lose all of their paycheck in one go..... but I need to take care of myself first.
Just wanted to put this out into the world to really give myself the resolve and the timeline to walk away from this path I'm on if he comes back and just reverts to his old ways after I've made it absolutely clear to him what needs to happen (and he agreed). The only people who even slightly understand his situation are his parents - there is no way I can talk about this, not really, with my family and friends, and even then I always feel like I can only tell half the truth.
I do thank you ALN, it's great to have an insight from 'the other side' 🙂 The conversations on this forum have really been frightening to read. I've never had to deal with addiction or even softer forms of mental illness in my life before this, not even through friends. It's still hard to understand why I'm in this, why in principle I understand that you're absolutely right, but there is a nagging hope that maybe you're not, maybe he's one of those who do recover. I love his good sides, but I have no idea what it is in me that made me accept and put up with the addiction.
I appreciate your support.
Hi Jen " I really really don't want to find myself still here in many years, writing new posts, still going to GamAnon and regretting wasting ten, twenty years fighting his problems, doing without many things other people effortlessly afford''. That's what you wrote on a forum of people who are here helping others. The reason you're in the mess you are is because of that attitude. I can assure you 2 or 3 hours a week helping people like you is worth it. The problem is you, not understanding addiction.
At the end of the day, Jen, your recovery is about healing yourself. Something in you is attracted to dysfunction and fixing the addict (the last can’t be done). A relationship with a practicing addict is as ALN describes but that’s not really the point. It’s that nagging that is keeping you in a situation that’s not good for you. And it’s the fantasy that your relationship would be great if only he didn’t gamble when the reality is that he does gamble, lie, manipulate etc. Whether you stay or go this time, next time and each time after will be worse unless you learn to gravitate towards healthy because you are healthy yourself.
Keep the focus on you, on what you expect, deserve and seek in your life.
CW
Hi Jen B, I think the other posters have covered everything. All I can add is if you are telling your partner he has got to quit gambling, then I think you are defintely in for more heartache. He has to be 100% committed to wanting to beat his addiction.
Your decision is so difficult, is your partner just saying he wants to change because he knows that is what you want to hear? From my own experience, I was able to finally quit because I hit rock bottom, I was earning very good money but lived liked a b*m, always broke, never any money to buy things and generally let myself go.
If your partner has gone away to work for 4 weeks, why is he coming home broke again, is he still gambling.
Hi guys, thanks to everyone who answered, I really appreciate it. I feel like posting and reading here has been even more helpful than talking to people who have not personally lived gambling or being with a gambler.
To answer a few things - yes, he's gambled away in poker cash games most of what he earned in these four weeks, because it was just so boring on the days off. Sigh.
Merry go round - re-reading that line alone, yes I agree it might sound harsh to read to those people who did spend their lives struggling. I've read of course a few of your replies on other posts and it sounds like you've got your situation under control, and my words were not meant to devalue what you achieved in your life with your cg. I really admire those cgs and their partners who were able to turn things around and at least have a functional stress-free relationship. I was just expressing my fear to end up in a situation where despite years of effort and struggle.. I still find myself broke and still need to give up on the relationship, in much more desperate circumstances. It's my own personal fear and it comes from having experienced a lot of things that most people on this forum have experienced, not from a need to devalue anyone else's efforts or situation. Sorry if it came across like that.
Thanks again everyone, this forum is great support and a great resource!
Hi Jen, Thankyou for replying. In my own humble opinion I don't think compulsive gamblers should be written off because of their behaviour. They need to be understood because it is a mental health issue. Their brains are different. It takes years to realise this. They cannot stop the destructive behaviour. Only when they realise and everything is gone do they seek help or when their brain doesn't function properly. It's progressive and the longer they gamble the more damage they do, to themselves and others. My husband would say the same, 'run for the hills' as ALN says. An active gambler doesn't see this. There are many conflicting opinions from gamblers and non gamblers. To recover you have to fight that compulsion, you have to actively seek support. They don't want to stop because it is the thing that stops them feeling. It's like a drink in the pub after work. The compulsion comes after winning or losing, they just want that 'feeling'. The problem is its destructive, habit forming. GA is there because there is no other ongoing support in everyday life. I am a great believer in the gamanon groups because it offers information that unless you've lived this way, you don't understand. Living with an active gambler is very difficult. But you can't stop them, ultimatums do not work. What you can do is take action to protect yourself. Do not give them money. You also have to realise that you have a problem too. Why are you willing to accept a relationship with someone who behaves that way? You can change your behaviour not his. The reason people go to gamanon, GA, gamcare is because addiction is ongoing, never cured. Addicts are not bad people, they need help and support to make better choices. But if they choose to continue there are consequences. As with your boyfriend. If you say 'it's gambling or me' you have to be ready to leave. Otherwise you show that it's ok, and you didn't mean it. There are many ways to work a relationship and we can only offer our perspective or what has worked for us. For me going to a meeting for 2 hours a week for a good life is worth it. Plus if some of us didn't go to those meetings there would be no help for new members.
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