Please help!

Hi dohko

Tough situation. Could you talk to your mother about your suspicions? Maybe ring the Gamcare helpline?

I guess I would have to be asking myself this.."How will I feel if the situation gets worse, and I could have stepped in and offered help earlier."

Bear in mind that CG's do not like being confronted about their problem ( Me included ).

I hope others will be able to give you better advice.

Take care

I was wondering if I should share this information with my mother and brother and the 4 of us go at it together. That would be easier for me, but I`m not sure if that`s best for my dad. Maybe he will feel better if I was the only one who knew about it... Furthermore I am a student in a unevirsity and am away from home during the year, which means that I am away from my dad. So maybe it would be better if my mom also knew about it so that she could support him, but she does have a weak charecter... I really don`t know what to do

Hi,

My husband is a CG (now hopefully in recovery), we're long term married, children growing up, my eldest is going to uni. And I'm very sorry to hear what's happening to you.

Why is it down to you alone to sort this out? Because that is some burden. Actually it's too great a burden and I think that you should start by moving the goalposts. You can support your mother and try to help each other but you can't, you absolutely can't "make him stop" for her. I would encourage you to talk to your mother but NOT to think that it's up to you to rescue her. It's her marriage and she must take responsibility for it.

Be very clear: the only person who controls whether or not he gambles is your father. It doesn't matter what you do or say, what your mother does or says, or even what you both don't do or don't say. It's down to him. His choice to gamble or to refrain. You can both encourage him, support him in a bid to go into recovery and stay there but neither of you can make him, you can't control what he does. You can't save him from himself and you shouldn't try.

My husband was moody and agitated whilst gambling and what I put down to the normal ups and downs of marriage was actually addict's behaviour, it absolutely wasn't normal. It took me long enough to find out and my children were a great help in confronting him. This time round, my son had gone to the bank to sort his finances out before uni, he discovered that his savings account was empty and it was only when we received his bank statements that we could prove what my husband had done. Even then it was very difficult, my husband denied it at first and much as the children's support has helped me, at no time did I think that they had to do it for me. My son does tend to think that he has to look after me and he also has to be reminded that it's not his job to make everything right.

This isn't going to go away, your father's financial difficulties can only get worse if he keeps gambling. Your choice and your mother's is what you put up with. It isn't normal for him to be rude, aggressive, moody etc towards you and your mother and gambling inevitably involves lying. You don't have to tolerate it, my opinion is that you get no prizes for it but the practicalities of refusing to tolerate are hard. The general advice is to put yourselves first and to separate your finances from his. Otherwise you will end up quagmired in his debt.

You need to talk, tell a friend, call GamCare, try GamAnon, whatever works. But secrets are harmful. And gambling thrives on them.

Take care of yourself.

CW

Thank you for the replies. I apreciate the advice. However I still wonder if it`s better not to involve my brother or my mother in this and try to go at it alone to see what would be the result and after that decide if I should tell them... That way he might feel glad that it is only me that knows about it and still start working on the problem.

Hi, again,

Ultimately it's up to you but I don't recommend it for three reasons. Firstly, gambling thrives on secrecy. Once it's out in the open he's more accountable, also that sort of secret will be divisive, it puts a barrier between those who know and those who don't. And if one of them finds out, your dad will blame you for telling and your brother/mother will blame you for not telling.

Secondly, it's not your job to sort it out yourself, you won't be able to.

Thirdly, you will need all the support, help and unity that's available when you confront him. I certainly think that however much my husband dislikes it, it's much easier to have a controversial discussion or ask him awkward questions with the kids behind me. The initial confrontation is not likely to go well, gamblers are v manipulative, what if he denies it and leaves you feeling that you're going mad, that you're a dreadful person for doubting him, that if the family breaks up it will all be your fault? On your own you might be persuaded to believe this - I was. Even when we had bank statements that proved it, my husband still stayed in denial for a couple of days. Don't underestimate an active gambler's ability to lie, to believe their own fantasy. If you all confront him together then in theory he should realise that you mean business.

Hope that whatever you decide works but look after yourself. Term must start soon? Don't let this spoil your student experience.

Take care,

CW

Hi dohk0

I am the mom of a CG and just my opinion but your mom should absolutely know. I don't mean this to sound harsh but trying to protect the both of them by perpetuating this will almost certainly end up back firing. It is a very serious addiction that needs to have those involved all onboard. It is progressive and will not just go away. Your mom deserves to know (I would imagine that she knows something is off) and perhaps she is not as weak of character as you think.

I'm sorry your family finds yourself in this position but honesty and knowledge are the only long term ways forward!

Can you guys give an advice on what to expect when and if we confront him. What would probably be his reaction. If he decides to take care of the problem what is the most important way in which we can support him. Maybe some general things that are esential. Also in my town there is no GA... in fact there are GA meetings only in 2 towns in my country. Do you think it is possible to handle this kind of a problem without therapy or a support group other than our family? If so, what would you suggest is most important in that scenario.

Thank you very much for the help so far. I really appreciate it!

Hi Dohko

I think support of some kind is vital in helping anyone overcome any addiction. I am in Australia, a big country. We do know of people who live in small towns 'in the bush' where there is no support available. Their only avenue of support are the forums on the internet. There are various support forums available. Gamcare seems to be one of the best.

The family support is also pivotal. Family can help by putting barriers in place to help him stop his gambling. Take control of his finances for a while, this could be for up to 2 years or more. He should not be carrying any money on him that he does not need. He should not have access to any form of credit cards. If he gets an urge to gamble, and has money, he will gamble.

His reaction is anyone's guess. He could be angry, ashamed, embarrassed, or he could be relieved that his problem is finally out in the open. He might try to minimise his gambling, to justify it. He could blame anything or anyone for his gambling, you, your mother or stress in his life.

The most important thing is that he has to want to stop. If he doesn't want to stop, nobody can force him to, no matter what barriers you put in place to prevent his gambling.

Take care

first thing i think is that your mum si going through alot of difficult things if he is a gambler. I know my kids see me in a different light since the gambling became public knowledge. I didnt realise how annoyed thy were with me for putting up with him, too consumed by coping with his anger. he told so many lies about me that i didnt know. I thought only I knew, but he had made us all keep secrets from each other, he manipulated and turned us against each other. I really think your first step is to talk to you mum, to the rest of the family and start being strong for each other and looking after each other

Another thing is that I reallt don`t want to confront him at all...

Hence the suggestion that your mother and brother confront him with you.

Or you could do nothing but what would the consequences of that be and would they be preferable?

I have another confrontation coming which may well be the final straw, I'm not looking forward to it but tolerating the alternative is not an option.

Hope it goes as well as it can.

CW

Hi again. I have talked to my brother and his suggestion is for both of us to talk to my father without getting our mother involved at all, and hope that he will stop basically on his own, having realized the danger of his habit. My brother also suggests telling him that his gambling can put his family in danger and to consider if it is worth it.

My idea, on the other hand, is to try my best to convince him( if he doesn`t realize it already) that he has a problem and that he should take care of it, trying to avoid putting blame on him or making him feel ashamed on purpose or threatening him. I think that my brothers approach is going to do those things and as far as I read, these feelings of shape,guilt and such are not going to help for the recovery.

I am also in the opinion that we should tell our mother first and than talk to him, so that during his recovery he will have someone next to him, because both me and my brother live in another town. My brothers concern is that mom has a weak character and it`s best not to cause her stress, although I believe that she is unconsciously under stress right now because she might suspect that something is going on but doesn`t know what it is.

Another thing is that my brother suspected that dad might have gone to casinos, but he was doing it as a hobby or to have fun and it might be harmless. Do you guys know of such cases where people do it for fun and how often do they do it? Also I would like to know your opinion on what is the best approach. Thank you in advance.

Hi dohko

I know of many people who gamble just for fun. They might gamble one day every week or once a month and are happy with that. They are in control of their gambling, they treat it as a bit of entertainment and nothing more. Problem gamblers spend more money than they can afford or planned to, spend much more time gambling than they planned, get themselves into debt due to their gambling, cause friction within the family unit etc.

I agree with other posters, I think your mum should be informed. She probably thinks that something is wrong anyway. She would be his first avenue of support as she is living with him.

However you broach the subject with your father, it is going to appear as a confrontation. I think that the approach should be made along the lines of the fact that everyone is concerned that he may be spending too much time gambling, does he think that way too? Don't get angry or make threats. Have a conversation about his possible gambling problem.

Take care

Hi I had a same problem with my husband he's gambling I know the pain you feel but from my experience sooner you will tell your mum and find a way to help him less debts, problems you gonna have you don't know how much trouble gambling can make..Please talk to your mum and a family.I know your dad will refuse that he got a problem as lots of times they don't Realise them problems.Good luck