My OH has admitted that he is in just under 30k worth of debt from gambling.This comes after a year of strange behaviour during which he has left me and our 3 year old daughter twice. During this year I have hit Rock bottom myself and have been convinced by him that I am the root of all the problems in our relationship. And then suddenly... It all becomes clear! I wasn't the root... All this was going on behind my back! I feel cheated... And I feel sick that I could have been so stupid. My question is where do we go from here? Luckily we don't have a mortgage but that was something that we had planned towards and I thought we were working towards. All my dreams feel like they've just been shattered. I don't know what to do or how to feel. He says he's going to get help and sort it... But in a selfish way, should I put all my hopes and dreams to the side to be there for somebody who has lied to me for over 2 years. We are supposed to be a family and I work so hard to support us and to build a future... I feel completely distraught and sick. I just dont know where to go from here...
Hi k...welcome ..I'm sorry to have read about your story...I'm the gambler in my marriage....so probabally not the best person to help you...but just thought I would say hi....some others in your position will be along soon with good advice and a shoulder to lean on...take care xx
Hi K1067502
Welcome to the GamCare forum. Sounds like you've been really battered by this. Know that we are there for you, whether or not your OH seeks help. You are very welcome to call us on our helpline - details at the top of every page on this website. You've been through so much - if you like we can also offer you free counselling so you have a space for you to process what's happened and how you go forward from here.
Keep posting - there is a great community of friends and family here.
Take care
Forum Admin
Hi, K,
I'm so sorry to hear what's happened, I also thought it was me. But it's not us, it's the addiction.
I found that two things are needed to cope, support and accurate information. This is second time round for me because I didn't have either first time round, I was clueless. Knowledge really is power.
I recommend that you read as much of this forum as you can, both sides, so that you know what to expect. GC offer a helpline and counselling for you, worth taking up if you can. I also recommend GamAnon meetings, I find it's worth the travel time and babysitters.
In financial terms, you need to protect yourself as best you can, do not rely on him. Aim to have separate accounts and do not take out any loans to pay off his debts. CGs lie so do not rely on what he says, only believe what you see in financial documents, bank statements, credit reports etc. Get credit reports from all three credit reference agencies, in your name and his, so that you know the full extent of the damage. He will need to cooperate, if he doesn't or says it's not necessary, that's ominous.
re suggestions that you should believe/trust him, you can't, so don't, no need to apologise. Love and trust do not go together where there's an addiction.
If he does want to stop, there's a lot he can do, hand over financial control to you, go and keep going to GA meetings, self exclusion and blocking software. I insist on all of this for my own protection.
It can get overwhelming, everything revolving round whether or not he's gambling. Protect yourself and put your own best interests first, get all the support you need.
Take care,
CW
I have told him that his debts are his problem and he's taken steps today to create a plan to begin to start to tackle them. I have also told him that I will take control of his finances for the foreseeable future. He seems extremely remorseful but I'm not sure how long it will last before he becomes agitated with his lack of control.
If I am honest it's not the money or debt that is upsetting me. As far as I'm concerned that's his problem to face up to (with my support but I'm not being walked all over)... I am most upset that I feel as if I have been living with a liar for the last 2 years. We are young and have a precious little girl and had such big plans for the future - I feel like it's all just been crushed. We were saving to take our daughter to Disneyland and it's all just gone! i just feel heartbroken but at the same time it all now makes so much sense! Secrecy, staying away, agitation over money, lack of financial support to me.... Wow.
i can tell it's going to be a real journey. Think we will just take it one step at a time for now.
Thanks for all your kind words of support. It's good to know im not alone
Hi, K,
It is the lies and the manipulation that are worse than the financial loss.
The practicalities are not that difficult to address, especially if he stops, it's the emotional side of things. There's a risk of ending up living a life where your happiness and security depend on his behaviour, you find yourself trying to control whether or not he gambles but since you can't, it's futile. Get help and support for you, put the focus on your own well being and your daughter's. I recommend GamAnon.
Take care,
CW
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