My Son's Partner is on the brink of leaving with their two children due to my Son's lying, deceit and gambling. When she found out that he had set up a 'secret' bank account and had been taking out pay day loans for the 3rd time she confronted him and eventually he agreed to take all the necessary steps that would help him and put him on the path to recovery. That was to 4 weeks ago. To date the only thing he has done is take out a consolidation loan to pay for the payday loans. He received the money into his secret account (it's called that as she knew nothing about it until 4 weeks ago). He borrowed more than he needed to pay the pay day loans off, didn't tell any of us he had received it, in fact he told us that he had the offer in writing and things should be sorted in a couple of days, after in fact receiving the loan already! He spent over £800 in 2 days. He won't account for what it was spent on. He keeps saying it was on household goods which we know is not the truth. He paid two pay day loans off but did not pay a £1500 payday loan. He had £1100 left in the account. Although there was not enough money in the account he said he would have it paid in full within the next couple of days. That was over a week ago and he has not settled it. The thing is he does not have access to the family finances. His wages goes into an account that his partner has access to and manages. The concern is where will he get the money from to pay it off. His gambling debt had been cleared a couple of years ago. His Grandparents cleared it and his partner has paid them back over the last 2 years from the family finances. To have found that he has continued to do it secretly is devastating. We now understand that we enabled him a couple of years ago by clearing the debts. He attended GA and signed up to online self exclusion, however it now seems like he found ways around it all and has just continued.
His lack of willingness to be transparent and to carry out the things he needs to do to help himself and his family is breaking them up and making it difficult for us to support him.
I do not know how to support them anymore. I can't expect her to stay under these circumstances but at the same time, the last thing we want is for the family to break up.
She just needs him to be transparent and for him to show her evidence of putting things in place. She has asked for proof of the in house betting self exclusion but he won't provide anything. He just says he's done it. He showed her an email of his photo for self excluding but it was clearly just an email draft - not sent. Is there a way that we could find out if he has done the self exclusion? Probably not?
He won't let her look at the secret account, pay day loan agreements etc. All we can see are huge red flags, telling us that he has more to hide. He thinks that as long as he claims they are paid off that they can go forward together and live happily ever after!
His behaviour is erratic and he talks quite delusional.
It's just one big mess and we are all feeling quite desperate now.
Any advise would be appreciated.
C
Hi you cannot self exclude other person then yourself from betting in high Street betting shops but you can check if person is self excluded all you need to do is give moses a call on 08002942060 and explain the situation to them.
If he doesn't want to stop he won't stop whatever you do it doesn't matter.
@wbr9jcpn3y Thank you for your reply. I understand we can't do it for him. I will contact Moses and ask them. Thanks again.
I think you are correct about the red flags. Gamblers are secretive and will do anything to divert attention. There are 2 main reasons for this in my opinion.
1 - Your son is still gambling and does not want to be found out. Until he is ready to accept he has a problem and tackle it head on this will not change. When that point arrives, full disclosure must happen. No matter how embarrassing and humiliating it may be. This is a hugely important step in recovery.
2 - Your son may have stopped gambling, but the debts and gambling are mush worse than is known. He may be scared of showing this due to further consequences or just through sheer shame.
Gamban is the best option. Get it installed on all the available devices for 5 years. This blocks all gambling. I would suggest watching this happen as proof. Gamblers can and do find other ways but having such a strong block as this in place is key. You can get a Gamban subscription free from this website.
Your son sounds like he's on the brink of losing everything due to gambling. That's my story, and I'm sure it's many others too but until he makes the decision to actively quit and open up, things may get worse for him before he accepts defeat. I feel for you and his partner being caught up in this. I hope he can see sense and realise that the life he wants by gambling will only happen if he quits.
Stay strong 👍
@wbr9jcpn3y Due to data protection they couldn't tell me unfortunately.
@p6z38njbqm Thank you for your reply.
The two reasons you've given are the same reasons we are thinking of. It's so sad to watch the self destruct.
Although it would be a long hard journey and we are aware that he could relapse, all he has to do right now is disclose everything but he is obviously not ready and is finding it too overwhelming and difficult. We are all treating the situation as sensitively as we possibly can but he has also been made aware of the potential consequences if he does not disclose everything. Yet he still is avoiding disclosure. His partner is devastated. She is at the point of putting things in place for her and the children. Housing , finances etc.
He's had a block on his device for the last couple of years. Somehow he has got around it through this secret account. The amounts spent on betting through his device are small. The concern is the cash withdrawals which he is probably using to spend on betting in house. He will not account for the cashback/withdrawal amounts. Which leads us to believe they are for gambling.
He is a good person and will be absolutely devastated if he loses his family. It's the last thing he would want. Painful to see the situation they are in and not being able to fix it.
I'm living in hope that he will disclose everything to her before it gets too late.
Hi Limesoda,
Your son could self exclude both online and from shops and have gamban installed on his devices but if he is determined enough, that will just make it harder to gamble but wouldn't stop him.
A new phone & SIM is cheap enough, there will always be unlicensed providers and I'm not sure how well shop exclusion works if you drive 30 miles to the next city.
Putting blocks on place is only part of it - he needs to openly and honestly engage, and sadly doesn't appear to be ready.
I can only suggest his partner and you yourself protect you own finances and sanity until he is ready.
Does he accept he has a problem ?
Is he ready to come on here via forum or chatrooms ?
Is he ready to get counselling ?
Is he ready to go to gamblers anonymous ?
@phxn2vzfs3 Hi Limesoda
Really sorry to read your post. Harry breaking and.one that resonates with me . My son gambled for 9 years and the harm.and destruction he cause to himself and others was incredible.
Payday loans , lies , deceit and totally deflection . It's a terrible illness where life without gambling ends up feeling more scarier than gambling as the mess is too big to contemplate .
I rescued him so.many times by paying loans off but that enabled him to get more loans. . Only when I stopped was when he was unable to borrow anymore from these companies.
Hit rick.botyom.and then then when he had no hope and could not see how his life could continue, he surrendered .
Gordon moody residential charity took my son for 12 weeks and literally saved his life . Look at the website.
2 years in recovery now.life is ok for.him amd me as his mum.
Look after yourself, he has to surrender himself.
Keep talking and listening to this community as we all have journeys to tell
Best wishes
PATSY
Online Peer.suppoter
@ofb741hvqs Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm glad you are in a better place with things and your relationship is ok and he is on the road to recovery.
I am afraid we are still standing by, watching him self destruct. His partner has now left with the children. I imagined that would be rock bottom for him and he would finally want the help and support but sadly he his not ready. He is still deflecting, denying and blaming her.
It feels like this will never stop. It's been 5 weeks since finding out. He has not done one thing to get on the road of recovery. It's just got worse. More money borrowing & spending, deceit and lies.
Just devastating.
I still hold onto hope.
@phxn2vzfs3 Hi again Limesoda
Sorry that it has not got any better. His rock bottom will come but facing reality is really scary for them as Gambling is their norm. He will be hurting far more than you but you will not see that. They are ashamed inside but cannot face up to it. Everyone's rock bottom is different, others that are affected is usually earlier that he gambler. Lost his partner will be devastating. Hope when that sinks in he will make that final decision to stop and start to repair. Its a long hard journey for all, especially to his close family that have watched the destruction.
Always have hope .....where there is help there is hope. I was in your place for along time. I hope that all will be ok in the end. Make sure you look after you in meantime and do not enable your son by rescuing any of his borrowing.
Patsy
Online Peer Supporter
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