Re-lapse

Hi Kay44. I'm sorry to hear about your partner's relapse. I really don't have much experience of relapses as, so far, as far I am aware, my husband hasn't had one since stopping 2 months ago. However, for my own sanity, I have decided that even if he relapses with just £10, our relationship is over. I know that probably sounds very harsh (and I don't know how helpful this is), but I have had to set some boundaries for my own 'peace of mind'. I'm sure others on here may have some useful advice for you. Best of luck.

Hi Kay

I'm really split on this even today after getting out over 2 yrs ago and my head hurts thinking about it.

For me it comes down to whether you believe it's an illness or not and I wrestle with this daily. If as a couple you have decided to make a go of it ,then committing back to that relationship I think needs to incorporate the possibility of relapsing.

If possible the emphasis being taken off the relapse itself but more what plans are in place to get back on track if it happens.

The rule of immediate honesty has to be number 1 and closing access to funds tightened up and this honesty has been demonstrated on Duncs diary after a recent slip.

I knew that after all the hurt that happened over gambling that I could not accept that and like Orchid I would have been back to square one if a relapse had occurred. It would have to be zero tolerance as I was not strong enough to cope with it again.

Kay ..it may not seem like it but you ultimately have the choice as only you will know when you have hit your limit.

Somedays I often think and I get angry that all this tests us more than it does the CG as they need practical rules,controls and blocks whereas for us it's our capacity to love and our endurance that's tested all the time.

If we bail out brings a bigger sense of long term failure I believe than breaching a block.

I've read many times on here about the other half waiting for the gambler to slip and the gambler trying to prove all the time that they won't.

It's a fine line ,because if relapses are tolerated in the name of "progress not perfection" then it's a gamble for us whether it will be too easy for them to go back to old ways if there is no consequence of personal loss but having said that , you can also see how the pressure to maintain being gamble free for some may be worse than loosing their marriages which is where the secrecy comes in.

Very difficult position for you and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know I couldn't do it.

Xxx

Hi Kay, welcome to the Forum,

I have stopped for around six years now, after gambling for twenty.

You raise a good point. In my opinion, relapse doesn't have to be the end of the world as long as it is minor, and he admits his problem straight away.

It is also crucial that he recognizes what he has done and uses it to take his recovery to greater heights. Plus, there needs to be stronger preventative methods put in place; self-exclusion, blocking software, handing over control of his finances etc.

In my opinion, un-acceptable relapse is when you continually go round in circles without making any real progress, or stop trying every avaliable methods avaliable. There should also be a genuine, sincere want to give up for all of your sakes; when I was stopping, I was desperate to prove myself, desperate to show that I was getting somewhere and was always keen to prove that my monies were going exactly where I said they were.

Relapse shouldn't compromise honesty either. He has an element of control before he starts, no matter how strong the urges, once he does, then he is lost - it is almost impossible at this point. If you have an agreement, a serious, non-negotiable agreement, in place where he has to contact you each and every time he feels tempted, then this will go a long way towards not only helping him, but easing your conscience.

It is hard to comment more without knowing more about your situation and what has led you both to this point my friend. Please don't hesitate to share because the more we know, the more we can offer supportive and non-judgmental advice.

All the very best to you both,

JamesP

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

My partner has had this gambling addiction for 8 years.. The last 6 it has escalated to the point of being unbearable. He has often left us without even enough money to feed the kids. Although I have dealt with this for such a long time, I have only recently found this site and become aware of what this addiction is. Over the years I have made empty threats, asked him to move out, made ultimatums, cried, shouted and begged, as well as always bailing him out, all the while thinking I was helping the situation and never realising I was allowing it to carry on. This has left me in a position where I dont think hes taking me seriously now Im trying to deal with this and mean it. 3 months ago I contacted GA and they made me see my situation in a different light. I thought tough love was the way forward. I told him if he wanted to gamble he could but it I wanted no part of it and left him to it. (We no longer live together). After a month he called and said he had hit rock bottom, wanted to change and for the first time ever admitted it was a problem. I thought we had turned a corner. We had a lovely christmas and got on really well. 2 days later I find my money has been stolen from my account. Unfortunately on my last £10 he won £3000. He spent the week going to casinos and drinking thinking I didnt know. When I confronted him he said sorry he knows its wrong and he shouldnt have done it and wants us to put it behind us and he wont do it again.

Im so confused because I know on the one hand recovery isnt perfect, there may be mistakes, but how do you separate that from yet more lies and deceit?

Thank you Orchid, It is always helpful to hear how other people manage to find a way through this.

Thank you also Ex-Doormat, I also struggle to think of this as an illness at times simply because there seems to be an element of control when it suits. He doesnt steal from anyone else, just me.

Well done James P on giving up. I hope your life has improved greatly for it.

Yes Kay ...your words there strike home with me too as it's the selective side of this "illness" that also makes me question the illness theory.

It seemed ok to take me for granted with bail outs but he could soon smarten himself up around people he wanted to impress or respected. I was just "her indoors "

They say that the big wins ( and I class 3k as a big win) can trigger the continuation of gambling as it almost confirms that he can win.

I don't envy you Kay...I just think that if you keep living apart and carve a life out for yourself with financial Independence then there may come a day when you realise your not actually missing anything and are in control of your own life. After being on my own. Ow, the prospect of going backwards would be like returning to prison .

As usual actions speak louder than words...and all you can go on is his actions not his words.

R and D xx

Hi Kay, thank you for your kind comments, they are genuinely appreciated.

Serious and continued dishonesty is compulsive gambling at a severe level; I never reached that point but the desperation pushed me as close to it as I could ever imagine.

I respect anyone's opinion, whether they believe this is an illness or not - I can only explain what it did to me, and then it us up to others to judge for themselves.

I cannot explain why it drove me to risk everything, even though I knew full well that I would lose in the end. It certainly feels physical - when you run out of money, you feel, physically feel, this overriding sense of soul-wrenching desperation - your emotions feel like that have been turned inside out; you would do anything, virtually anything to continue at that point.

At this point, you either get through it, and that can reduce you to a writing mass of pain and misery where you can't function; obsession drives you beyond all thoughts of common sense, or you cross the line, which can involve taking money that isn't yours, risking everything you have, or taking out life-changing amounts of debt.

I stopped short of taking money from someone else, but I went through an enormous amount, physically and emotionally, to stop myself. I can understand why your husband did, it isn't acceptable for him to reach this point, time and time again, without opening up to you first.

I have to say that I was the same R & D; I had a remarkable capacity to do what I needed to do around people - I could lose thousands, every penny I needed to get through the month and then face the world with a smile when I needed to. The crushing inner turmoil makes it a largely false persona, but you can still carry on to a degree - I think it is partly because you don't have to face your problems at those times, you can lose yourself in the moment and that can be a relief. Others don't though - from my experience, most people shut themselves away from the world, some even lose their jobs because they can't face anyone.

Both GA and R & D are right Kay - you need to show tough love, and make sure you maintain your financial independence. He has taken things to an unacceptable level, and now he can't be exposed to any kind of physical monies or temptation - help him if he wants help, but now, you not only have to wall in your finances completely, you have to see proof, physical proof, that every penny of his money is going where he says it is, plus there has to be hard and fast plans put in place for him to receive help.

R & D is also right about a big win. Winning is much, much worse than losing for the compulsive gambler (at least with losing, you might stop at some point). Compulsive gamblers crave the euphoria of winning, not the money itself; if they win big, then those previous, smaller stakes won't give them the new, improved level of euphoria they crave. This leads to spending more than ever before, at higher stakes than ever before. I fear winning now - I received an unexpected bonus at work recently; it brought long-buried emotions to the fore and I almost felt like giving it back, as strange as that sounds.

He has had many chances, and you should be proud of yourself for trying to help him - you clearly are a good, kind and caring person; he has taken advantage of that, consciously or subconsciously; that isn't your fault, but it will be if you carry on as you have been. It is his responsibility to prove himself without harming you, emotionally and financially.

My heart goes out to you my friend. If you feel guilty about tough love, then take heart from how grateful I am to those who did the same to me - it felt like the worst thing in the world at the time but now, not only do I know it was the right thing, I can't thank them enough for doing so. Maybe your husband will feel the same one day.

JamesP

Hi Kay, I had no idea my husband was gambling until he kindly dropped the bombshell of having no money left about 6 months ago.....transipres I married a very good liar. don't get me wrong I knew he liked a gamble but so do a lot of men.....a bit different to blowing everything. Since then I have bought a house on my own and live there with out small daughter. He lives round the corner and sees her regularly. I have told him he needs to prove himself to me before I will consider resuming our relationshp. A slip up would be another bet as far as I'm concerned and if that happened I wouldn't let him in my house or talk to him other than to arrange contact with out daughter. I haven't gone through all this cr** for him to just start gambling again. I would have walked away if it hadn't been for the baby but have hope he'll come through this . Good luck

Hi K1704, good to hear that you have taken such postive and decisive action my friend,

I've stopped for around six years now, after gambling for twenty.

During that time, I weaved the most extraordinary web of lies and deceit; I found myself suddenly capable of constructing the most fantastical of tales to fuel my affliction.

Since stopping, I couldn't even begin to imagine being dishonest about anything - it is so far away from my conscious though that it feels like those lies were concocted by another person. I'm not making excuses for either myself or your husband; I can't really explain it, other than to say that obsession is an extremely powerful thing - it can consume you to the point where you are a living, breathing shadow of who you truly are.

I imagine he would be the same if he could conquer this affliction. In my experience, coming here every day for the past seven years, the vast majority of people that have conquered this affliction resume an honest, healthy life without any hint of dishonesty.

You are doing completely the right thing - I hope that you can move forward and safeguard your child. If you ever doubt what you are doing, then don't - there are people who took a very hard line with me; I found it exceptionally hard at the time but now I am enormously grateful beyond words - your husband may be the same one day.

JamesP