Relapse?? Is he getting better?

Sorry to hear this Steph,

Living with any addiction is not easy, you are not the first loved one to feel the frustration of an other half or family member promising the world that they will stop only to go back to the habit of choice before long.

A couple things you will see if you read back your post really stand out. 

The first thing is you obviously recognise that your partner has a serious problem as you have given him ultimatums to stop yet he continues to do so behind your back and your wondering what to do. 

The second is that last line where you say 'he refuses to get help'. He refuses as deep down he knows he has to give up gambling and there is no way an addict would even attempt such a thing until he realises he has a problem. In GA there is a 12 step recovery program (same for AA, or any addiction). The very first step is admitting you have a problem.

A reality check, you are also part of the problem you face Im afraid. Again this is common as people who are not compulsive gamblers do not really understand the issue and end up enabling the gamblers by bailing them out or not making good on ultimatums. I get that its a huge thing to leave but if things don't change you will be posting again in a couple of years.

He needs to admit he has a problem and get support to tackle this, but thats for him to do, you cannot force him to do it. What you can do is seek support for yourself. GamAnon was set up for this purpose as people who live with CGs also need support. You will learn so much if you attend a meeting.

I wish you well.

First time on a gambling forum, and heartbreaking to read the things people have gone through. 

Your words really struck a nerve with me and I’m so sorry you’re going through this ?

I am living with a partner who didn’t disclose the extent of his gambling (he led me to believe it was a past problem and I, naively, believed him). Now we have moved in together, have a joint account (which took me a LOT to allow because I’ve always been independent but it made sense/made life easier). 

I have zero experience of gambling, and can’t get my head around the need to pour money down the drain but I’m trying to be supportive. He has recently had a few relapses roughly every couple of months. Would I be better off cutting my losses? Apart from this we have a very deep connection which I have told him he is risking. 

Hi Jasmin,

Relapses do happen, I am a compulsive gambler who attends GA regularly and my partner has access to everything but still I had moments of weakness and found a way to gamble. These were brief lapses as one of the main barriers I have in place is the fact my other half as full access to everything. To some it might seem a bit extreme but its common advice for people who take recovery seriously.

You say he has monthly relapses? Is he seeking help? Is he even admitting he has a problem? What is going to change? Compulsive gamblers can stay bet free for days or even weeks on end but unless they are getting help they are not going to change long term.

First of all you need to know the full extent of the problem, to do this you need to have access to his bank account - here you will see any online transactions if he gambles online. You also need access to his emails to see if he is signing up for any accounts. You should also have access to a credit report (Clearscore is a free one). This last one is crucial as one major harm a CG will do is create serious levels of debt, if you have access to his credit report you will see any loans or credit cards in his name.

If he is serious about giving up he will understand, if he wishes to keep gambling he will resist.

These barriers are great steps but they are only useful if the gambler realises they have an issue and are seeking help, if not they would be intolerable to live with while these barriers are in place.

You need to confront the problem, if he is willing to come clean and get real help then your support will be massive but if he wants to try and control it and keep things from you then its a losing battle.