Hi
Im feeling a little freaked out to say the least, havent seen or heard from my son for 3 months now and it turns out hes living in the same village. Not only the same village its less than 2 minutes walk from here, how he hasnt been seen up until yesterday I havent got a clue.
All those weeks worrying if he was ok, then finding out he's still no further forward and the little s*d is right under my nose and I didn't know.
I keep switching from pleased hes ok, to annoyed and actually feeling a bit scared, I was scared of him for a while before he left as his behaviour had got so bad.
I dont want to see him, dont know if I'll be upset or angry but I know the idea freaks me out. You would of thought Id be desperate to see him but its the opposite.
The police did tell him hes not come near us, but what near us is Im not sure, Ive now got visions of him sitting outside during the night. They said if he approaches us, or contacts us in anyway it will be seen as harrasment and can be prosecuted but so far he hasnt done anything wrong and all they can do is warn him to stay away. My counsellor said that Ive been left with some elements of ptsd and I thought she was being a bit dramatic but I can see it now, Im feeling quite paniced and just when I was feeling a lot better.
I know I should be grateful he's safe and I am but cant help thinking its just another way for him to have ago at us. I dont think he will come near the house and if need be I'll call the police but I really thought this was all over with
Sorry for the random rant, I need to get myself together and I will, I'm just so dam sick of this.
Sounds like the usual attention seeking, heard of one CG who slept in a car parked at the bottom of the drive of the house of which she was thrown out.
The effect on you is worrying, though. Thinking of you, take care.
CW
Hi
Thanks Cynical Wife.
It doesn't suprise me really, he never wanted to leave our little village the nearest places to us are large towns and a city and hes not brave enough to live in any of them.
My son is 6ft 3" stocky with a deep booiming voice and can be very intimidating, and when hes shouting its all the worse. In some of his outbursts he punched walls and doors and has hit his dad, so even though I dont like to think he'd be violent I know its a possibility. As time went by this got worse and I did become scared of him, he was very unpredictable. I cant quite work out how I feel, still love him to bits, but the idea of being on my own with him scares me. My son is a sweet gentle lad and would never scare me, but when the addiction kicks in hes not my son.
My counsellor explained that sometimes it takes a while for the brain to catch up, in someways Im still expecting life to be as it was with my son, all the drama and upset. I still expect him to walk through the door and when I hear the floor boards creek during the night my first thought is its him, I instantly realise its not but for a second it is and panics me.
I am ok and these moments of panic are getting less all the time, and Im sure in time they will go for good. The way we lived was far from normal and it went on for years so not suprising really to be feeling the after effects.
Im ok, just had a bit of a wobble and for a little while it felt I was right back there in all th chaos.
Thank you for support its very much appreciated.
Hi. I'm not sure if I can offer much advise for your situation, although I have a parent who gambles, and I have been through a domestic violence relationship so I can relate. Just noticed you mentioned ptsd, I have this from the dv relationship so I can fully understand the fear you feel. The one thing which has helped me during an episode, is using your senses, 5 things you can see, hear, smell, touch. It took a while and concentration but now I can bring myself back into the present, where I know I am safe. I hope this is useful for you.
I liken it to Pavlov's dog. Over time certain things trigger reactions in us. Still when I get a text from my son I lose my breath and feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I reminder of all the years when virtually every text I got from him was bad news. When he calls for something I am scanning his voice for that tone that means he's relapsed. Your son has definitely caused great trauma and chaos in your life and I imagine this takes a while to work through. So happy that you come on here and share as I know you can't get to a Gam Anon meeting!
Daughter of a Gam what a great idea for dealing with fear. While I don't have PTSD I certainly find myself worrying and obsessing about things I can't control with my son. That sounds like a great way to bring you back to present.
Hi Amom
It is just how you say, every little thing he did or said got me wondering what he was up to, you describe it very well. However this is something different, these are horrible moments replaying in my head, moments that he really scared me, and I believed I was going to get a beating and had to hide, its no exageration he was that bad and he has hit his dad before so it was a possibilty.. One of the worst "replays" I have is of the last time I saw him, he was in very bad way, very distressed and I was in no doubt that he was going to hurt himself, and that was equally scarey. Its these replays my counsellor tells me are ptsd, when they happen its like Im right back in that moment. They are happening a lot less often and I think it was finding out he's so close by that brought it all back to me for a little while, Im sure in time they will go altogether.
Its a bit of a weird one, love him to bits, miss him so bad and theres many days where I want to go and find him but I am also scared of him and as I said I wouldnt be on my own with him.
DaughterofAGam, thank you, your advice sounds very similar to what my counsellor has told me to do, although she gave it some counsellor type tital, anyway it definelty does help.
I am ok, things are getting better, and Im quite happy just had a bit of wobble for a moment.
Thanks again ladies.
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