Shall I leave him or stay and give another chance?

Hi Micromum

I'm not a veteran in any way, still very early days of speaking out and sharing my experience of problem gambling, but I came to this forum board like you around 4-5 weeks ago. Been living with cg for 10 years or so. Like you, had enough after about the 6th, 7th,8th let down... not sure, so many. I feel where you're coming from, as when I read your posts... about the let downs, resentment, anxiety, the mood swings. I've got two children, 3 and 9.... it's a massive strain for all the family in one way or another.

I received two great pieces of advice already mentioned. First, set your boundaries. Take financial control. Don't feel guilty about it. Stay vigilent. All wages paid to me now, she has no accounts, no cards, pays in cash, no access to online bills, even phone bill, open post and access to credit files. I sleep a bit easier although can't stop her as sure will find a way if really wants to... but the money for me and kids are safe.

Second, focus on you now. I'd definitely say get a long to a Gamanon meeting. Honestly, I can't say how incredibly helpful it has been and I've only been going 3 weeks. I was a bit nervous of going but it was the best decision I've ever done. It's helped change my pespective on things by speaking to others going through the same thing and their experiences. Excellent advice and support. It's still very early days. My partner hasn't begun going to GA... but I'm going for my sake, regardless of whether she wants to go or not (which I hope she will in time but that's not in my control).

Before I used to question whether what I was doing was right, now I know it is. Doesn't mean things have gotten better in the relationship, it's going to take a long time but I feel more equipped for this journey and the decisions that may be presented to me along the way.

Getting down to a gamanon meeting was undoubtedly the single best move I've made. Second was taking full financial control.

I wish you strength and luck. CC x

Hi all, I was also hoping for some advice along the same sort of lines. Me and my husband have been together 6 years and have a 2 year old daughter. He is my world an amazing husband and a fantastic dad.

Until last week I thought we shared everything. Last week he sat me down and told me he has a gambling addiction. I was completely shocked as I have never noticed anything of the sort. I also learnt we are over 15000 of dept. I packed my bags and took my daughter to my mums over 3 hours away. I spent a week in a dark place not knowing what to do. I then decided to go back and talk and try and sort this out. I have him a chance to tell me absolutely everything no lies all out. He told me that come next month we will be kicked out of our house and the bills will not be paid. Shocked was an unstatement. We went to bed and the next morning he told me to pack my bags and go to protect our daughter. I am angry that he said this as here I am trying to help him and thAt was his response. Then yesterday he admitted that there was one more thing. He has taken over 3000 from a family friend. I am broken. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because well I love him and he is my world but what can I do??? Please help me I'm sooo stuck broken and hurt thanks in advance

Hi Lucy call gamcare, stepchange. If you are going to be evicted you need to act. He's pushing you away to protect you but also to hide. If he doesn't tell you everything you don't know what your dealing with and also he can still continue. You don't say if you rent or if it's because he hasn't paid the mortgage. Does this affect you financially? You need to safeguard your money. Look after you and your daughter. Don't pay his debts. Don't worry about who he owes that's their problem. This is not your fault, this is not your debt. He needs to sort out the repayments and consolidate his debt if he can. Does he work? It's a terrible shock and your initial reaction is to sort it out but that doesn't help a gambler. It just lets them continue. The important thing is to get advice, he's just running from his problems. Credit checks are a way to see what's going on. noddle, clearscore and Experian. I can't advise you on the relationship that's your choice. It sounds like he is in a mess and has let it get completely out of control. Remember debt is manageable but only if he comes clean and tells everything. You will get more response if you start s new thread if your own. Go to bottom of f&f page and start new topic. Ask lots of questions on here. Good luck!

Hi

Sorry to see this. First thing to say is you as a couple are not in debt. He is and it's his responsibility to address it. He will get good impartial advice from the CAB and charities such as Payplan and Stepchange. The alleged (any proof?) debt to the friend is very low priority against the possibility of losing the roof over your head and bills not being paid and that's where you need to focus. CAB might be able to give you some advice. In the meantime you must secure the finances making sure he can't access anything and establish the true picture regarding the debt he's in via credit reports from all three agencies. Check your own too. You will need unrestricted access to and sole operation of every account shown on them.

Once you have control over the finances you have breathing space to decide what to do and see whether he means any promises he may have made about stopping. If he doesn't want to stop though he won't and that's the point where you will need to decide how you want life for you and your daughter to be bearing in mind what you both want, need and deserve from a partner and parent.

Hi

Not happy to know others are in such a bad situation too. Just come on here to get advice from others and all the comments are helpful.

Together for 8 years with a 1 year old and found out 3 months ago he's racked up £20k debt. I can't get over the anger still and I've told him I can't.

Multiple debt across credit cards which is now apparently with step change. I just don't trust a word he tells me anymore.

I transferred money every month to joint account thinking he did the same so I never checked online banking. He was transferring money from joint account to his own to replenish.
I saw 100 bets placed in the space of 24 hours on the only gambling site he hadn't blocked himself from. I felt sick.. 5k placed at times. How can they let this take place.. with credit cards too!? I just don't understand.

Anyhow, 3 months down the line I still can't get over it. Im miserable, don't want to do anything at the weekend with him or even talk to him. I only do for the sake of our child. Am I being a horrible and unsupporting person?

He now has been removed from the joint account and transfers money to me each month. Leaving him with £800 which I think is too much. 290 goes to pay debt apparently. He has a work car and fuel and phone so has no personal outgoings of large amounts. And then said the other month he had No money left and it was about 3 weeks into the month?! He said he's had to change his bank account too and doesn't have online banking as I asked him to show me statements (still haven't seen them)
I don't know what else to do other than getting help myself to be able to help him?

Hi smithben so sorry you're here. Yes there are others just like you. So you are right not to believe him. When my husband first confessed he went to GA, they advised confess and hand over finances. Which he did, salary straight to me. He sorted his debt consolidation loan, 0% cards etc. I paid everything. So I knew all bills and mortgage was paid. He stopped for a year, but had kept bank account open and started gambling loans, unknown to me. So it's difficult to monitor. The best way is all money to you, you pay everything, then you agree allowance or work on cash and receipts. You need to see credit reports, all statements. Noddle, Experian and credit score(I think). Call gamcare and ask for advice. I went to gamanon and learnt how to deal with a compulsive gambler. See their moods, learn the games they play. Unfortunately from what you say it sounds like he's still continuing or there is more debt that he's not told you. You have to decide what you want. Set boundaries and stick to them. If he wants to stop he will comply. Honesty and transparency is the only way forward. The main thing to do is safeguard your money. If he runs out a week into the month, tough. You need to be strong, get support, find out as much about addiction as you can. You cannot stop him but you can have rules. Decide what your limits are and what the consequences are if he doesn't comply. Maybe start a new topic and you will get more people offering their opinions. It's at bottom of family and friends page. Keep posting asking questions, good luck. Keep calm, arguing drives them back to it!

Yes I need to get support or help myself... it's one of the things I keep putting off but I can't carry on living like this for our daughters sake more than anything.

Thanks again. Appreciate everything you've just said.

Hi MicroMum - I just found your post from a little while ago but it is very similar to my situation. Guess just wanting to check in and see how you are and how you have found it having to go through separation/divorce etc.

I have found it a mixture of relief, anger, resentment, but also I still feel part responsible for what my ex does next with his life. I am absolutely certain getting out of a marriage with him was the right thing to do for me and my kids, but he still appears to live in denial that it was him and gambling that ended it, he want to blame me for trying to control him financially....

I would not like to tell you what to do about being with your partner or finishing the relationship. The gambling is making things very hard for you and for your partner. I know someone who discovered that her husband had a large debt (not from gambling) and she decided to stay with him because they had young children. Maybe you can help your partner to overcome the gambling addiction using the advice from various people on this forum. I think that one of the most important guidelines is to take control of finances yourself.