Should I stay or go?

For someone who has never been in a relationship with someone who has an addiction. To leave would be a quick and easy answer.

However for us people who are actually in this, or in situation similar, the answer is not so simple.

My boyfriend of 4 years is also a gambler. He has let me down so many times. He got in debt with others so had to get a loan to pay them back, and now hes in debt to a debt collector. Always with the "Sorry it was a one of relapse" "You've got to trust me" "I won't do it again". I struggle to believe anything he says when it comes to getting over it. Everytime I mention for him to get help he says that he can do it by himself. Clearly, he can't.

My boyfriend and I are at that age where we should be getting a flat and you know being indepentant and, being adults. But this just isn't happening.

My family and friends are always asking, and I don't dare tell them why. Some of them know that he has had a problem, but I wouldn't dare tell them that he still does. I know what they would say, "Leave him, you deserve better" etc. But despite all the heartbreak, all the stress, all the tears, I still stick by him.

Since finding this it is refreshing to see all the posts from people in a similar place as my boyfriend and yours and how they have recovered. I've managed to perusade my boyfriend to join up. Which is a good step. He is now reading others recoverys and also found him reading posdts from us loved ones struggling. I think its really helping him realise.

Gambling, £22000 of YOUR money that was kindly given to you by YOUR parents to fund YOUR future is not ok.

I'm glad your family have been as understanding as possible. Keep your money separate from all of his, at the moment he cannot be trusted. Be selfish, don't give him money and protect yourself.

Just get him to come on here, make an account and get him to see how others are opening up to one another and helping each other out. It may help ease him into the realisation of needing help and help him feel more confident in asking for it.

I hope that I have been able to help somewhat.

Take care

Dear Jenna "Please can anyone give me any advice on what a committed life is like with a recovering gambler?" What a question. We will all have different experiences but if you really want to know maybe go to a gamanon meeting and you will hear stories and gain some knowledge. I'm wife of a cg and I didn't know how much he gambled either. It was a secret and now I know he had been bailed out before we were married. It's been 20 years of loans. If he gets his hands on money he gambles it. I have control of finance, I pay everything from my account. Anything joint we have ever had he gambled. They also are compulsive liars. Everything's a secret, they don't want you to tell anyone!!! That's what feeds the gambling. They will isolate you so no one knows. It's a tough road, especially if they don't admit to having a problem. You need to be in control of your money and maybe his too. Don't give him money, don't pay his debts. He may have more debt beyond the money you were saving. My cg would gamble what he had, get a loan to gamble to try and win back, then lose that too. Your parents are right to be worried they've just seen their investment go to the bookies. Try and find out as much as you can about addiction, read the gambler's stories on here. Call the helpline, get some counselling . Don't think they're cured, it can only be one day at a time. You can't fix him he needs to do this for himself.

It all depends whether he's doing anything about his gambling issue.

To gamble £22k & lie to you about it he must have a very big gambling issue.

Personally I'd leave the relationship.

Everyone else seems to be running around clearing up the mess for him and doing the worrying that's rightfully his.

Is he committed to stopping gambling? Has he taken any action to limit his access to cash and gambling? Has he looked in to GA and counselling?

Action speaks louder than words. If he's committed to stopping he can but it means absolute financial openness at all times on his part while you will have to be on top of everything financial at all times, now and on a permanent basis. That lack of trust is absolutely fine but you need to decide whather you personally can cope with living like that.

Read up on the addiction and have a look at what life with a gambler in recovery (assuming that's what he decides) might look like then think long and hard about what you want and deserve from a partner. Life with a gambler who won't give up is hell. Mr L developed the problem after some years of marriage and even though he's stopped (as far as I know. We can never be entirely sure) for three plus years now if I'd had the heads up beforehand personally speaking I'd have picked up that dress and run.

Thank you everyone for replying!

His parents have given back the money, he'll be paying them back each month. He has started counselling and has auto excluded online. He's also given all of his bank cards to his mother and I have all of his bank details so I can do spot checks whenever suits me.

I feel like I want a future with him as I do love him and have always imagined my life with him. However the future will be different now and it'll be hard always having that bit of doubt or uneasiness to leave him alone. He says I can trust him and he would never do anything like this again as he has lost everything this time, but you never know.

If he does this again and we have a mortgage, how will it effect myself and if we have kids in future?

Thank you so much, you'll never realise how much your responses have helped me x

Hello, Jenna,

Beware of trusting someone who hasn't earnt your trust. Also know that you can't change someone's behaviour by trusting them or refusing to trust them. What counts is whether or not he is being reliable or responsible in those areas where you intend to trust him. If not, then trust is unwise.

If you get a mortgage and he gambles the repayments, the house will eventually get repossessed by the lender.

If you have children together and he gambles, the children will be affected and you should think carefully what life lessons they will learn from your example and his.

You didn't cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. Better to focus on you. You may love him, but isn't there something wrong about settling for this sort of behaviour from him in the name of love? Do you think you deserve better and if so, what's stopping you?

It's not anyone else's place to tell you to stay or go. But you might consider counselling or GamAnon to help you to make the best decisions that you can for you.

CW

Hi again

A CG (he is one) will lie through their teeth to get you off their back. They will tell you everything you want to hear and be right back at it without batting an eye. They are masters in manipulation and deceit.

It's not in our interests to be too understanding and it's not in our interests to take what they say at face value. He needs to prove everything he is saying and he needs to go on proving it. They can arrest the addiction but they are only ever one bet away from repeating the whole disastrous cycle all over again.

It would be a good idea for someone - either you or his parents to see his credit reports from all three agencies (all available free of charge) and to go on checking them very regularly. It's not beyond the bounds of possibility for him to have run up pretty substantial debts before he turned to stealing from you. It's also not unknown for them to run up substantial debts behind everyone's backs once the initial dust has settled. His mother may need to be prepared to take a tough stance and not fall for a sob story when holding his cards.

Agree with CW re. the mortgage. If he gambles the money the house will be repossessed in due course. Extend that to the worry of finding the money for bills,food and petrol has been gambled (happens regularly with an active CG) and you can see why it's necessary to protect yourself financially and be totally on top of things at all times.

You can't control his behaviour going forward but you can make sure you put yourself and your interests first in this.

Please read my story. I think it's titled "finally saying goodbye to my husband after 23 years"

you ask what kind of life you will have? It will be a life of worry without trust. He may recover, he may stay off the gambling but in my experience it will never be forever. It might be for months, years even, but it always draws them back. If he was visiting casinos he may switch to the bookies, scratch cards, slot machines. I honestly believe now that the times I thought my husband was clean were really just times I didn't know about.

if I could talk to my then 27 years old self, 23 years ago when I met my gambler I'd say 'walk away now'

He has ruined my life, my young children are devastated. We are broken. I am on day three today, scared and alone but this time I am not looking back. The three of us are walking on alone. We are leaving the lies and devastating mistrust behind us. No matter how much hardship we face now it will never be as bad as living with a gambler.

I wish you strength.

Also you have to learn to live with their resentment of you. I have lived with the knowledge that my husband is a cg and had to tske control of finances and thid gets thrown in my face everytime thrre is a row about his gsmbling ...rven though it wss his suggrdtion i am now relinquishing thst conttol ss i cant be thst prrdon whom he pottrsys anymore. It will probably finish us but ..

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bstep wrote:

Also you have to learn to live with their resentment of you. I have lived with the knowledge that my husband is a cg and had to tske control of finances and thid gets thrown in my face everytime thrre is a row about his gsmbling ...rven though it wss his suggrdtion i am now relinquishing thst conttol ss i cant be thst prrdon whom he pottrsys anymore. It will probably finish us but ..

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Hi, I am new to this site, I have just found out my boyfriends a CG and for the last two months has gambled so much he stole money from me and his parents, I was devastated. I now face the decision to stay with him or not, and your story is very similar to mine. You sound a similar age and I also have the same worries for the future re. Getting a mortgage etc. I was just wondering whether you were still on this site? And if you stayed with him? And has he remained sober from gambling?