A tentative walk into the f&f section of gamcare.. The deluded mind of a compulsive gambler..
It must be a terrible thought to find out your loved one is a inherrent coward. Yet, truthfully thats what addictions make us c.g's. As an action gambler we live under the illusion that we're doing it for our f&f and even find excuses to blame things on the external rather than the internal. We see ourselves as Hero's after all.
Another truth, its really about us as c.g's, deep down we dont really care about anything but getting another dopamine fix. And then when we enter recovery its also about us! Proof in the pudding in being fearful in entering this part o the forum and accepting the carnage we've caused. The money is a major with both sides of the fence, yet its not about money for either. Its processing the guilt about the lies/ deception and robbing the energy from our close one's in the quest for our fix. As a male c.g we're stuck in the warped space of thinking we're the hunter and gatherers. But to really go into recovery we need to strip ourselves bare and start the process of self respect and then finally earn the respect of the family circle.
The language of addiction is very sly and very 'woe me'. We put imaginary barriers in place too avoid change. Because in reality, thats all we've ever done, Avoid life on lifes terms. We dont know how to seek change, when we're stuck in the cyccle of denial. Interpreting our addiction language is a tough one, yet for a f&f it must be a scary concept.
But recovery is possible for both sides and thats where the family dynamics comes into it. For the c.g he needs to completely admit to themselves that a behavoural addiction has got us licked. Sounds easy hai! Thats where the deception comes into it, It is a process and the process has to start with complete honesty, not licking our wounds because we've been caught out. Recovery can't be done by ourselves, another deceptive thought stemming from the addictive mind. There's many a external source for recovery, yet that takes courage, another weak point of ours. We need to step into a recovery process, whether its GA, therapy, this forum, education or some combined. The proof is in the pudding that recovery is very possible just by reading some of the recovery diarys. A few to mention.
Its a bumpy ride for all concerned as we seek to reconnect with the values lost through addiction. Theres a hell of lot respect for all f&f's but to flip it, it really is about protecting yourselves.....
I Truely wish you all strength......
Now back to the safety of the guilty other side.......
Hi Volcano
Welcome to the other side, please dont feel at all worried about stepping over, I admire your courage and honesty.
I find it helpful to hear from everyone, it helps me try and understand my son a little better.
Im sure you'll of read that our relationship with our son has broken down to the point that it cant be repaired, well at least while he continues to gamble it cant.
Your honest description of a cg makes me even more certain that we have done the right thing parting company. I know its all up to my son, he has to decide if and when he wants recovery, we cant do anything more for him and we have to protect ourselves.
Please keep coming back Im sure theres more of us on this side would value your imput.
Best Wishes
AS,
Thankyou for the post. I tentavely walked in to f&f as im still quite a coward.
I'm chuffed to see you locking arms with CW, a real asset to this forum.
It really is the other side of the fence. C.g's think there heroes yet f&f's are the ones to pick up the pieces, hence the real heroes. The C.g's are the ' woe me ', yet you rarely see that with the f&f.
It's such a tough one, but one thing I do know it's all down to the c.g. The denial in us wants to blame either partners or parents for there addiction. And thats a scary place for both sets.
It's another proof in the pudding that your a good lady as67, just by the fact of the questions you ask and the fact you've found this forum and I know it's easier said than done but there not your questions to ask, it needs to be the son. I do think that genetics cam come into it and deep in some where of your lad, that the lad you know is in there. But its only him who can find it, all you can do is push him to the threshold of the external sources.
I think one of the main things that pushed me towards the recovery threshold is the kick of being told " im not unique, but just a very, very ordinary man " at the time the ' woe me ' didn't get that, then I realised that was the best line I've ever heard.
Your recovery as67 is more important than anything. You've had your natural motherly instincts questioned by your self, but as hard as it may seem. Stand very firm ..
I wish you well
Thank you volcano.
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