Hi there.. firstly can I just say thank you for the support & advice that your forums offer to family & friends.My partner & I have been living together for about 15 months & are similar in so many ways but very different in others. I am a laid back ,easy going optimistic "count my blessings" kind of person, not money orientated or materialistic & am content & happy with my little lot whereas no matter what my partner has he always wants bigger, better & basically more & spends most of his time ,waiting (as I put it) "for his boat to come in". About 7 months ago I began to notice changes in his behaviour, moods and a dramatic increase in the length of time he was spending on his laptop on a Friday (his payday) so much so, he literally stopped coming to bed on Friday nights. Saturdays became a very solemn, sombre day but any concerns & worries I expressed were greeted with abrupt & short tempered responses & I remember at one point, thinking that he was having an affait, then getting angry at myself for doubting him as we have a mutual agreement & respect, that if our relationship had got to a stage that either of us wanted to be with someone else then we would speak about it first to see if we could work things out and if not then we'd seperate rather than be unfaithful. His weekly wage was almost as much as my monthly wage yet by Saturday he had nothing at all left of it. I tried to keep us afloat & paying for his personal stuff like cigarettes, petrol etc and never questioned him until the unpaid bills started to arrive. He didn't try to lie , infact he was relieved that it was out in the open. He told me he played the online casino slot machine/ reels and would transfer £20 & play 50p per spin but the more he lost the more he transfered to try and win it back and was playing between £5 to £10 per spin. I was naive at the time and wasn't aware that being addicted to gambling is not just about winning and thought because he had told me what had been going on that would be an end to it.
Needless to say it wasn't .... His wages were changed by his employers from weekly to monthly and when he started to blow them all in one evening , the lying began .. He became secretive, manipulative and shifted the blame onto me ...Any money he did win was just gambled away again (he won £2,500 one Friday evening , transferred it to his bank then transferred it back on the Saturday and blew the lot) He started with payday loans so he was gambling with money he hadn't even earned .. And the final straw came at the week before Christmas when he blew everything we had leaving nothing at all for food, bills or presents & as I have two daughters I had no other option than take out an extortionately high interest personal loan. Since Christmas things have improved and after many tearful apologies & discussions in which he confessed to feeling so ashamed & low at what he has put me through,that he had actually contemplated taking his own life
. I have vowed not to give up on him and want things back how they were when we met I want to help & support him and he in turn has promised to get some advice & support, has took the password off his laptop, deleted all the casino websites & emailed them to block him. I don't want to make him feel any smaller by being in control so his wages will continue to be paid into his own bank account but I need some sort of strategy or plan to ensure he doesn't relapse and to ensure I am on the ball in preventing it
If anyone (anyone, that is , who is still awake after this incredibly lengthy post !! ) had any advive on where I go from here I would be extremely grateful .. thank you !! x
Hi Pammy
It is a tricky situation you are in as you want everything to return to the "norm" that you were at when you first met. The truth is you cannot turn the clock back. You are where you are in your life and you need to look after number one which is you. Then in turn you can look after your children as they are your dependents. Your partner must take responsibility for himself and that may mean asking you for help but you cannot and should not take his power away from himself. This illness/disease/addiction call it what you like is cunning and powerful. He probably tells you he doesn't want to hurt you etc but as a recovering CG I said it a million times until I got real in recovery. Honesty to myself is key to getting better. Ask him to put a gambling software block on his computer. Above all you must look after yourself first and hopefully your partner will look after himself. Maybe read through a few diaries or speak to Netline for some support.
Take care and remember you are not responsible for his actions!
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