Telling children

Why do you want to lie to your son? To protect him? From what? Does that say more about your ability to face reality than your son’s?

Addiction and dysfunction thrive on lies and secrets. Better to tell your son exactly what the problem is...and you may well find that he already knows. And if he doesn’t know the specifics, he’ll know that all isn’t well. It may even be that it’s a relief to know what the problem is and what’s being done to address it. Reality may be better than the spectres in his imagination.

Children folllow our example, our actions say more to them than our words. If you mislead your son, then he’ll learn that he can’t trust you.

The gambling has had an impact on you and the best example to set is to show that you are looking after yourself and addressing your own issues. Find GamAnon and CoDA meetings and go regularly to learn how to live with addiction in the family. It’s entirely possible to live a better life but the starting point is to get help and support for you.

CW

Thanks Cw
I think my son is totally in the dark so it's going to be a big shock. I just don't want to ruin the relationship with his dad. I'm also worried he may tell friends then they bully him about it. He's at such an age where he's finding things out. What if he gets inquisitive and looks up online gambling. So many worries I just want to protect him.
Everything I read says don't tell the kids the reason why you are splitting up and make one of you the evil one.

I’m restating the advice in the rooms and in the GamAnon literature, honesty is really important for recovery all round. Sounds like you’re seeking to validate a conclusion that you’ve already reached. Why do you need validation?

Addiction happens, as does any other physical or mental illness. It’s very prevalent, it happens in all walks of life and of itself, addiction is not a reason to feel shame. The responsibility for your own actions and choices lies with you, the same applies to your OH so he is responsible for his less than salubrious behaviour whilst using. But whilst he’s responsible for his behaviour and his choices (to use and lie, or to seek recovery), he’s not to blame for having an addiction.

If you’re ashamed and you worry about bullying, that’s you and your reaction but possibly you seek to put it on your son? You worry about your son not coping but is that you projecting your own worries about coping on to him?

Your son’s relationship with his father is between the two of them. It’s your OH’s responsibility to maintain contact, to be available, to answer your son’s questions honestly, to man up. As long as you facilitate their relationship and don’t try to prevent their seeing each other, you’ve done your bit. The rest is up to them.

One aspect of our recovery is to learn what’s ours and what’s other peoples. A lot of what we seek to burden ourselves with isn’t ours to carry. It takes a lot to learn to detach from other people’s outcomes but it’s worth it. Detachment doesn’t mean that you don’t care, it means that having protected yourself, you allow the natural course of events to take place without trying to save or to punish the addict or anyone else.

Try meetings to break the cycle of dysfunctional family relationships passing down the generations. Your son will learn from your example.

Look after you.

CW

I'd always advocate telling anyone who might fall for a sob story either in the immediate future or somewhere down the line. First time round I didn't tell the kids at Mr L's request and my restraint was paid back by him conning them out of their savings (my youngest lost the lot). He's repaid them now after three years doing a MW weekend delivery job but how much better not to have gone there at all. FWIW their relationship with him is fine and always has been. I made darn sure everything he earned from that job went to them. They saw he was making the effort and were remarkably patient waiting.

You can't control whether your son gets inquisitive but personally I hope the experience has been enough of an eye opener for my lot that they never get inquisitive enough to investigate.

Your son surely has a right to know, its not that his Dad is evil but his Dad is a compulsive gambler. Living with an an addict of any description is very percarious as the addiction come first so they will lie and steal to feed it. You and your son would like him to get help and sort himself out but cruicually only he can do this. You have split for this very reason, you son would understand this even if it is difficult, he will surly be curious as to why you have seperated anyway. Also compulsive gambling is bascially to do with brain chemistry so being the son of a compulsive gambler I would be educating him on the dangers of this.

Thanks for your help we are going to tell him the truth. This week is horrendous, I feel so guilty. My husband said he's angry for me as I can't live in our perfect life charade. I can't put the gambling aside.
I feel so low and selfish but I can't live like this I want security.

Your right to want security, and your husband has some nerve saying he is angry. He should have gone for help a long time ago. What is he doing currently in his battle over his addiction. Has he access to money? Does he attend GA weekly?

He only went to counselling for a while. Then last year I went on my own. We've split the money now so he is on his own. I just want him to sort himself out. He will not attend meetings.

Morning,

I can absolutely relate to feeling guilty, maternal default setting, but since then, I’ve been working on separating what’s my responsibility from what’s somebody else’s. Not an overnight job, because guilt is a default setting so there’s a lot to relearn.

If you apologise for someone else’s bad behaviour, it’s actually fairly meaningless because it doesn’t change the person behaving badly in the slightest. Similarly, you taking on your husband’s guilt means that you’re focused on carrying his load at the expense of your own - why? Is it less painful than looking at yourself and if so, why?

The gamblers always project guilt onto their nearest and dearest, it’s a classic symptom of the gambling addiction. Manipulation. Taking on the gambler’s guilt involves freeing up the gambler to carry on. The perverted non-logic is that it’s all your fault for being, well, being whatever, so it’s not their fault. The best response is to learn to pass responsibly back to where it belongs. “This is happening because you’re compulsively gambling, the help you need is at GA.”

Changing dysfunctional responses to healthier responses is not easy, it takes time, help and support. But it’s doable.

Focus on you.

CW

Well 2 weeks on and I know I have made the right decision. Now he does not want to tell my son the reason for the split. He is also trying to blame me and does not understand why I can't live the charade.
He's said some hurtful things and even implied that I love out and he stay here with my son.
I've now found messages on his phone from women so there's more to this. I do not want to get nasty but all this projected blame and I am so hurt. I read on here from someone else and I think he has other addictions too.
I just need him gone so I can start my new life with my son hopefully. I'm just worried he'll blame me if he doesn't know the real reason. I do still love and miss him and I don't want it to get nasty.

Sorry to hear it but why do want to stay with that behaviour?

Don’t take on blame for his behaviour, hand it back. Addicts want partners who help them stay ill. If you have started to look after yourself a bit and thereby make it less easy for him to use, he may well find someone else to help him stay sick. Or it may be part of a separate addiction. Whatever the reason, of what benefit is it to you?

Gamblers live in a fantasy world. You moving out with you tail between your legs, leaving him to gamble freely and enjoy lots of beautiful women (not sure where your son fits in), that’s just his fantasy, it’s not reality. The bathroom will still need cleaning.

Don’t be persuaded to move out, take legal advice. re telling your son (who is almost certainly less naive than you give him credit for being), you don’t need your husband’s permission. Addicts don’t have a rational and logical thought process, what matters is the next fix so it’s no good expecting your husband to carefully consider what’s in your son’s best interests and decide jointly with you on that basis. All your husband knows is himself.

Get support for you via meetings and GC counselling. Change is doable but not alone.

CW

Hi CW is right. The only person your husband is thinking of is himself. He's trying to circumnavigate the disaster. He's hiding. He wants you to leave so you look like the one who gave up. i don't know if you rent or pay a mortgage but he doesn't want to use the money looking for somewhere new, deposit, etc. He wants the money to gamble. Try and stop worrying about him, what he thinks. Your focus is you. Do what's best for you. Get real legal advice if you own the house. If he's not willing to cooperate you have to be the one to decide. Why do you want an active gambler influencing your son? I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he's not capable of thinking straight or looking after himself. My children know who looks after them, they know their dad is a cg. They don't love him any less but they know. If your husband continues in this destructive behaviour your son will see for himself. Honesty is the only way forward. Be honest with yourself and you will see that making excuses makes it worse. It stops you from seeing what you need to do. You've got nothing to regret, you've tried to help, you've given enough. The only person you are responsible for is you. I understand you don't want it to get nasty, it doesn't have to, but reasoning with a cg is impossible.

Hi,

Quite simple this one for me. The son should know.

It is father's role of being the CG to tell his son, he is the one who has wrecked the relationship. If Dad is still gambling and is in denial, then it won't be long before the son finds out. This is when mum stands in. However if Dad has accepted his addiction then this should be easier for him to tell the son as he surely he won't want to lose another loved one.

Therefore Hardtry, give your ex-partner the option of "either you tell him or I do".

Thanks for reply.
We told my son yesterday he is distraught. I've also taken it badly and as it's school hols don't want to leave him so not gone to work today.
Yesterday I said to my husband I do love you and he said but not enough. This has hurt me so much. I feel so guilty and responsible for my son's hurt.
I know there is no going back but not prepared for this heartache.
We've not told my son the reason I'm just trying to keep things as calm as possible. I will tell him in the future.