Thanks everyone

Dear Sarah, as you can see many compulsive gamblers don't want to stop. It's sounds like he became more secretive after your previous discussion when you thought he'd stopped. As you can see he has a problem but he doesn't want to give it up. From your previous relationship you know how the addiction works, it takes over. I also thought my husband had stopped after going to GA for a year. You can get help and support here and also call the helpline. Gamanon meetings for family affected by gambling is also helpful. I go to gamanon. Some say give it time, 90 days, to see if they stop and things improve. You must make sure all finance is separate, no joint accounts. Do credit checks, download blocking software onto gadgets. He can do all this, self exclude, arrange a debt management plan. If he is being honest he will want help. Check his account everyday or take over finance completely. Do credit checks on his accounts. Only you know if you want to stay in this relationship. I wish you luck!

Hi

Being blunt, it sounds like he is playing you. He doesn't want to stop and he's telling you the things he thinks will get you off his back. If he did want to stop he would willingly disclose anything and everything there is to see from the extent of the betting accounts to the real extent of the debt and he wouldn't be evasive about where the money he's racked up has gone. Showing you accounts which will almost certainly look blameless isn't enough. Secret bank accounts and loans are common. Mr L channelled the money he conned from the kids through my son's bank account. The extent of the deceit can be breathtaking. Don't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof all is as he says.

You can't control whether or not he gambles but you can insist on the things you need to feel safe and reassured. If he won't comply, won't willingly allow you to access all areas of his finances from credit reports to every bank account shown on them, be wary.

Thank you for your constructive comments.

Both & then some! He won't let you see the accounts because he doesn't want you knowing where's he's at or what he's up to (a compulsive gambler in recovery accepts that we gave up our right to financial privacy) & he's trying to put you off by being aggressive. Unacceptable! He may genuinely believe he will sort it...Welcome to our cloud cuckoo land where we willingly plough multiple times a jackpot amount into a black hole, over & over again.

You can sit by & watch him self destruct but why would you? What's in it for you? I have spent my entire life excusing my own shoddy behaviour & trying desperately to believe every lie my mother (also a CG) spun because I wanted to believe she had stopped...It's only by being here myself & getting much needed support that I accept that we can't just stop. Whether you've buried your head in the sand or just been too afraid to confront it needs to stop now & you need some proper support! You really should try & get to a GamAnon meeting & why not sign up for the free counselling service offered by this site? You've laid yourself bare for him with what you've been through before & he's treating you appallingly abusing your trust...He may not be using the s*x lines that your ex used but he's just as damaging for you! This isn't about the money, it's about you being treated right...You deserve better!

You've told him you can't move forwards with the lies & he's refused to toe your line, my advice, follow through...Every inch you give us, we'll take a mile & from what I can see, he hasn't earned the support you are trying to offer. Don't wait for him to destroy you, get help now & look after you - ODAAT

Hi Sarah Odaat is right, why watch someone destroy themselves? You have to change your behaviour if you want things to change. You have done this before, it's not your fault, it's just becoming a pattern. You say you and the children are safe, but he has gambled family money. I guess that's not your money. The thing is while they gamble they don't contribute. They don't contribute their share, their time, their emotions. We can't decide for you, how much are you willing to go through? Can you see any change? You're just seeing his anger, you're in his way, it's your fault. That's what he wants you to believe. He's manipulating you. He's lying. Get some help today. Is there anyone who can help you talk to him? I got my father in law to come over. It's just a thought. Good luck!

A CG prioritises gambling over everything and every one and they are more than capable of gambling themselves and everyone around them to destruction. He's been very clear that he doesn't want to stop. He's resentful and angry that you are standing between him and his addiction.

You can't help him until he wants to be helped. What do you want need and deserve from a life partner? How do you want to live?

Thanks guys