The end of the line

Hi just thought I'd have to write as my heart goes out to you. I'm really new to all this so admire the strength you have had over the past years. This forum has helped me just knowing I am not alone and also theGam anon meetings.

You have been so kind and brave with your husband. Maybe this is the year to put yourself first. Remember his overdose was his choice not yours so don't ever feel guilt or responsibility for his actions.

Wishing you all the best in whatever you do and remember you are not alone

Roses x

Hi Belamc, i'm hugely sorry that you are still experiencing this my friend.

By being unkind to you, he is deflecting responsibility of his own actions; what I mean by that is that you are the one who comes across as not believing him, or trusting that he can stop, or preventing his access to more money - it is much easier to blame you and paint you as the villan, rather than take a long, hard look at himself.

This is part of the reason he took the overdose - he is doing it to make you feel like the villan, to make you feel bad, especially when he blames you for holding onto his cards. The strange thing is that he really does need you (but not in a positive way) - if you leave, it cuts off his outlet to deflect this responsibility and subsequent anger; he is trying to make you an emotional prisoner of sorts, but you can't live your life in this way my friend, and you deserve to live a life without this hanging over you.

The strange thing about arrogant people is that they are often very needy, but cannot bring themselves to act like it, often being offhand or "expecting" everything to be done for them - my Father was exactly the same. This is what prevents him seeking help or giving enough of himself to let others help him.

I gambled for twenty years before stopping around six years ago. If you look at other posts here from compulsive gamblers, they are desperate to stop, and they are desperate to prove themselves to their partners; I know I was, I know how much I wanted to prove it to them. After all this time, and all that he has put you through, there has been little or nothing of this; you have stood by and deserve credit for doing everything in your power but he has taken advantage of that, and continues to do not with attention-seeking acts like overdosing.

I feel for him hugely, but the bottom line is that all of this needs to come from him and there is only so much you can do. So if this is the end of the line, then you can walk away with your head held high my friend - don't let him make you his emotional prisoner as I said above; he had a responsibility to do more - it is ok to try and fail, but to not try at all and not make any kind of progress is unacceptable, and those actions have consequences.

JamesP

Thanks JamesP for giving me an insight of why he is so cruel. His job finished at xmas and since then he has done nothing but lie in bed reading his kindle, or going to get his prescription drugs. He is not eating a lot and has lost weight. He also hasnt had a bath/shower or shave since around the 23rd December. Although he did drive me to the shops today and has started walking the dog! I realise he is depressed, but i havnt a clue what to do. The doctor has given him antidepressents. He cant gamble anymore because i have his bankcard and as he isnt working, there is no money in it anyway.

Hi Belamc,

I am compulsive gambler ( a year of self destruction mode )..and 8 mnths in recovery.

I think ur husband is not in the bestest of places at the mo...but..as i say this, don't give in to the false reflections...and i say it not couse of my own experience, but i believe how this addiction can work ... no limits my friend, bearing in mind he just been on a gambling binge...to come down with depression ( no accsess to money?? )...well, i am not trying to judge Hun...but me and you know that only HE can stop this madness...he can't get u into situ feeling sorry for him...keep fighting girl...YOU ARE NO 1...never ever forget this..NEVER... you can give a chance..yeah..fair enough...but not to the point to tk *** out of the situ.

My point of wiev - we put ourselves in this s**t - we drag ourselves out...nobody else should be involved....not loved ones for sure...but there are exceptions i can't argue against...

Look after urself...

Just my opinion...not much sense i suppose...but it's out there Hun...look after urself!!!

Sandra x

Thank you Sandra for the advice. Admire you greatly for being gambling free for 8 months, it couldnt have been easy. I only wish that he was as strong willed as you. Thanks again.

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Hi Belamc

Your posts show just how much this illness affects other people and not just the gambler. The ex took nearly a year off work with depression but managed to spend 14-16 hours a day online gambling whilst I went out to work.

I have very little sympathy as I have been depressed myself in my 20s and took time off and could not even summon the motivation to do anything let alone an activity such as gambling.

If he was pushed on anything to be responsible he made references to not wanting to be alive so I felt a kind of emotional blackmail.

As someone who has been depressed myself I consider this type a form of rebellion, like a going on strike and a form of stubbornness and sulking which is why I have very little sympathy for it. I had a boyfriend once in my 20s who behaved the same when the mere mention of working for a living came up as he felt he was "above work""and not like other people and "different"

It was actually the recent exes mum who could not take it anymore and ended up in A &E and yet this still did not stop him , in fact it made him very angry . One time I was put in a position with her very distressed and suicidal and him giving me an ultimatum to get in the car with him or stay with his mother who was alone and in no state to be alone.

Just writing this reminds me of how Insane those times were and how I know I did the right thing and got out to regain some sort of normal life.

Edited by GamCare.

R and D xx

Hi exdoormat,

Love your posts, they give me strength. I myself have been off work twice in the last 4 years with depression. Both times due to the partner. First time when i had to go bankrupt and the second when i had to sell my seaside caravan to pay his debts to moneylenders. I am an avid reader and when depressed couldnt even read. Used to sit all day with my eyes on the tv, but wasnt watching it and couldnt go out of the house. I tend to agree with you on the attention seeking behaviour, but because he has never taken an overdose in the past, i am concerned. Personally I think his mother spoiled him rotten. I used to give him money to pay the bills and he would bet it. If he won, he would pay the bill, but if not his mum would take out loans, so I didnt know. She was very fond of me and didnt want me to know how bad a gambler he was. Its all very sad, but the worst thing is, im doing the mother thing now and getting him out of the mess everytime, plus cleaning washing and making his dinners. Frankly the only thing that has stopped me leaving up till now, is that i really dont think he will survive without me. Trouble is, i dont think i will survive with him. Another silly thing i do, is look back at the good times, before all this and i was probably happier than ive ever been. I know its going to be a hard slog and i pray i have the strength to turn away when he comes crawling back in a right state, because i know he will. Thanks soo much for your support. xx

Dear Bel,

Three or four months ago I was in your position. I know my critics poo poo the fact that I read books that help me. We are often guided to books and people that we are meant to encounter for the good of our lives.

During the last three months, through educating myself and working on myself I have changed my attitude, lost my fear, see things more clearly, especially my CG! I feel clean and light.

I know I sound quite strong, but if you only knew what utter misery I have struggled through in the last three months. I used to wake up filled with dread, I used to go to work in tears, I dreaded going home.......But I came through and you can too, Bel..

The best thing is that on February 1st I will be moving into my own place, on my own, without the burden of an unrepentant addict hanging around my neck. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it. Three months ago I was filled with fear and trepidation about being on my own. But I'm not on my own. By having the courage to jump into the void, as it were, I have found so much support both outer and inner, if you understand me. It doesn't mean that that I don't love and pity my ex partner, because I do. And it doesn't mean that I don't loathe and abhor the disgusting industry that has encouraged his miserable addiction and all the nasty behaviour that goes with it( I bet that will be "moderated") because I do.

But I have to live MY life, and he has to live his, and I can't help him because he doesn't want help. I see that he's bent on self-destruction. And I'm not. That's my story. I hope yours is as hopeful. Love from Kristi xxx

Hi Belamc,

I can understand in how much confusion and pain you are at the minute...you mentioned those good times before all this cripling addiction come out.

I always stood by the question/opinion - there is a reason why he turned to make that choice...if u live happy and fulfilling life...what is it to make that turn??

Was u honest to each other along the way..did sparkle gone? Work problems? Issues he was not ready to overcome sharing with you??

A lot can add to his behaviour i'm affraid...but as well, i am not taking sides here...arrogance can be huge issue i'm affraid. If he thinks he "knows" how to overcome dreadful machines...he is out of mind i'm affraid...only he has to come to realize what the stakes between u two are...

If he was suicidal..it is real issue..it can be fake( don't get me wrong...last straw to get the attention)...but if it was last bit to ask for understanding and belief in him?? Only he can show what was he planning to say through this....but then again..why to act so childish???

I would suggest a good break apart darling...i know i'm not the one to make suggestions..but that's what i would do..and that's what i would personally ask my partner if I HURT him in this stuation( being an addict)....don't be his "mum". He is grown enough to look after himself...you are nothing to do with this addiction...never ever try to bail him out..ans as of his mum...well...all i can say he must of been spoilt from early age..she won't see him having problems....it is a mentallity of a person and the road he is prepare to walk..for you in this case, and for himself...you should matter more..

You still are no 1...always be..it just all depends how strong bond you two have...give some space for urself..only he can prove what he is worth..only his actions...

Don't get me wrong...there are arrogant addicts out there, who will never admit having problem....and there are human beings who are ready to take that one chance....all lies within the soul...

I just wish u strenght and belief....don't judge book by it's cover...but don't give in to false hopes too...to u to decide....but he needs to do the hard work aswell...he has to be ready for it.

Take care

Warm Regards,

Sandra x

Hi Sandra.

Thanks for your reply. I mentioned the good times. This was before I realised how bad a gambler he was! Am afraid thats when I started losing respect because of the lies and deceit and this certainly was the start of the change in our relationship. Have asked him numerous times to leave, as the house we are in is privately rented and in my name, but he always tells me that as soon as he has somewhere else to go he will. Thats why I need to go. Have applied for a council house and hopefully soon will get one. He admits he has a problem, but the pattern seems to be that he gambles the money and so lets me have his bankcard. This is ok for a couple of months and then he usually takes it out of my purse and tells me he is ok now. Sometimes he is for a couple of months at the most, but then he goes and bets it all again. I have refused him it before and he gets quite aggressive and nasty (not physically, but I have been scared), so in the end I have to give it back. After he has gambled he gets depressed and just goes to his bed and wont speak or move. He is also addicted to strong painkillers and other tablets, which he takes more of when depressed. The doctor is trying to wean him off them. I dont see a future, probably because of what he has put me through in the past and what I know he will put me through in the future. We did split up for a year a few years ago and he moved in across the road from me. He went down to about seven and a half stone and I couldnt stand to see him like that! He promised me that it would be different if I let him come back and stupid me believed him. I am in my late fifties and he is ten years younger and im not strong enough anymore to keep living like this. Thank you so much for your comments though xx

Kristi, I so admire you and aim to be as strong as you, but even though am planning to go, im so scared of being on my own. Hopefully I will become stronger as my plans come to fruition. Thank you for your comments they are giving me more strength and good luck on your move xx

Appologies for interfering in your thoughts. Now i see the situation very clear. Zero tolerance dear belamc, i am 100% behind you on this one.

Run as fast as you can and as far as u can...shame he has no balls to leave the house which is rightly yours.

Take care and all the best

Respect to you

Sandra x