Try and fail - no longer happy

Hi Sara, my husband went to gp and he told him to go to GA. I can't even remember why he went to gp. He listened to him not me. Anyway, don't ever give him your bank card, only cash, ask for receipt. You're paying for everything and his loan. Call gamcare, go to a gamanon meeting if you can. Get some support and help for you.You've got to get strong, be tough. Can you cancel broadband? When my husband asked me to sign a loan I said no. I called his dad and asked him to come over and talk to him. He didn't get it, he said get the loan. We couldn't make the repayments, he'd borrowed about £50k. It was unbelievable. So that brought it all out in the open, he went to a GA meeting, they advised him to hand over finances which he did. That was 12 years ago. He's been active for last 11 with just his lunch money, and an isa. His latest big lapse was in May, so I went to a gamanon meeting alone. He followed 2 weeks later. He has finally realised he can't have money. In your shoes I would be as devious as he is. I would block him any way I could. Can you get someone from his family to come over and help you talk to him? Do people know? He needs to know how you feel. Please get some help asap. Good luck!

Hi Sara and welcome :))

I'm a Compulsive Gambler myself so the only thing I can advidse you on is to some extent what went on in my mind before I quit Gambling just short of 2yrs ago .

I think your almost trying to look for reasons not to walk away instead of reasons to stay ( if that makes sense ) ?.

I hate to break it to you but I don't think it will change for you unless firstly he admits he really has a problem and secondly He actively seeks some help for his addiction and as much as he promises you it will never happen again it clearly is still happening . If he doesn't want to stop then the chances are he'll just go into secretive mode and try and find away of continuing to gamble without being rumbled , I became a dab hand at excuses and covering my tracks so I could continue with my secret world and looking back now it wasn't my proudest moment but that's what addiction does to us and it's only now I see how much carnage I left in my wake .

Only you know yourself what your limit is and how long you will tolerate this for , all I can say is by all means support him if that's what you want but don't enable him by bailing him out and unless you see some solid proof that he's doing what you need to see then don't believe a word as transparency is the only way .

Most importantly look after you :))

i tried get my husband to appreciate how low I feel at times due to what he's done and he pretty much sneered and said he hoped I was getting help.

I feel your pain. The reality is it's so hard to look after yourself when your family and finances are so closely linked. It's a horrible place to be. I too am looking for reasons to stay vs go and the answer is for me both are bad outcomes. One commits me to a life of little means and massive changes and one commits me to a life of unhappiness and insecurity. And also- little means as debt . Trying to protect children is so important and so hard. I'm so sorry not to have advice other than try not to feel alone, there's others out here going through the same. My husband says the right things but I still feel they're empty promises and he's avoiding getting real help and now considering asking family members (his) to bail him out of debt . I have until next wed to decide whether pull kids out of school. (Private school).if it was quick to walk away and easy to move children to new school/ sell house etc then that would be solution but it's so long and potentially so messy I worry it will mess children up and the only thing I have left to do is make sure they are as happy as possible.

But yes if it were someone else I'd say go- I'd ask what they would choose/ deserve from life and a life partner and is this it. The answer is straight forward but the solution is not. Keep being brave xxx

Hi Sara

i am in the same position as you and looktothefuture, it's devastating and no one really understands unless it's happened to them. I have put up with my husband's gambling for 23 years but did not realise (I know I must be stupid) that he was an addict. He lost 15K quite a few years ago and I thought that was the end of it.....until three weeks ago when quite by accident all came to light (via his bank account) whilst he was at work. He'd been telling me these past few years that business was slow/poor, our outgoings are huge (no more than other people's) and that is why our holidays abroad had stopped.....all lies!

Long story short it was his immediate reaction to lie when I contacted him at work that decided my next move. I told him not to come home. It was the vast web of lies, his inability to own up even when caught. We are now living apart and our marriage is pretty much over. I know it is a big scary step and I admit it's terrifying but now that he has gone I feel a strange peace, no more lies, no more coldness/indifference. I have no family therefore no help, just myself and two children. Both children very upset but a life of lies, sneaking around, lack of concern for damage he's done.....I have done with that.

You must not take on any more of his debts, it sounds as though you are getting in a mess yourself because of him. Don't want to scare you but "He's constantly on his phone, messaging friends/playing candy crush" I though exactly that too....yes they were games, addictive Poker/Las Vagas type games at £75.00 a go, others at £250.00. Spending between £500-£1000 a week entirely via his phone. Please be careful! Get advice from Citizens Advice re your debts.

Good luck Sara

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Last night my husband was very quiet and looking guilty, not even playing games on his phone. We sat in silence for a little while but then I asked him if anything was wrong. I didn't know what else to say. He then broke down and told me that he had been an idiot again and gambled all of his money. He called himself several names and got upset.

This is where I did get a angry, worrying how we are going to pull through another month. I didn't shout at him, I felt so let down again. I asked him how we were going to manage the bills and food shopping, which he remained silent. He promised again that this was the last time and that he would never do it again. I asked to to seek help, to go to a meeting or we can both go. He seems to believe that he can beat this on his own. His family live abroad, so I can't ask them to have a word with him and my family know he gambles, just not how bad. I know they worry (I would too) and when I discuss it with them they get angry before I even start really, so I stop.

Should I keep pushing him into a meeting, if I go on my own would he follow? This is what I find hard. I hate the secrets and constant worry. I can't shut down the internet at home because I work from home from time to time and he has unlimited data on his phone. He deleted his betting app last month, which I thought was good but didn't shut his account down. I have checked this morning and his account is still live. If I shut it down i'm worried he will create another or sneak into the betting shops.

I listened to him and his promises and it really did upset me. I know he means them when he makes them but there is no trust for me. He saw we had no milk or bread, which I said i'll get in the morning, but he said he will pick them up and he didn't mind. I had no cash so I handed over my card, which now i'm wondering if he offered because he had no petrol in his car as when he got home he told me he brought some petrol without asking me, or if I had enough money. I feel bad for even thinking it, let alone writing it on here.

At the moment I feel all over the place. I went to bed last night not feeling any better and I feel worse this morning. I really don't want to give up on him and every month I think he will change. One more chance. He looked worried last night, as if he knew that I had had enough.

I'm glad I can just talk it about it on here with no judgement or angry words, I feel better for it. I know that if i spoke to friends and family they would all get angry and ask why I would stay, think of your kids. And I do think about my children, I constantly worry about them. It's hard. I really don't know at the moment what's the way forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Sara

Sara if he's sorry get him to hand over finances. That's the only way. If he can't get to money he can't gamble it. Please try not to give him your card. We've all done it but now is the time to stop. Check your card today, see latest movement. Good luck!

Hi,

Rubbish as it is, the priority is for you to do what's needed to help you. At the moment, you're caught up in what he's doing and you're not acting for yourself. He's not going to take care of things or of you.

Absolutely call theHelpline and go to GamAnon (regularly), regardless of what he does. Protect yourself financially but don't wait for him, otherwise he'll drag you down.

CW

I'm the girlfriend of a gambler who every so often will hit the casino and not come home to me. He will put thousands on the roulette table and we are in debt again. It's a nightmare and it's always apologies and being remorseful the next day. Same pattern. Just want to meet people in a similar situation just to talk. Never expected this to happen to me in my life.

Hi Sara's husband.

You and I are addicts. I'm sorry to read via your wife's posts that we share such similarities. I'm also sorry to hear that you are still not ready to make good choices. Getting petrol when you can, via your wife's card - I've done that too. The feelings, a mixture of guilt and relief, I remember that all so clearly as well. I remember not having enough fuel to get to and from work, being desperate about how I was going to manage, finding any reason I could to use my wifes car or being overly 'kind' oh you sneezed, I'll go and get you medicine - bosh, out the door before she could argue - £10 cash back, relief - i can get to work tomorrow. Guilt, self reasoning, justification - it's alright, I'll put that money back before she even notices. only we hardly ever do.

I don't know how long you've carried your addiction for, I've been an addict for twenty years now. My wife, my children, my mum, her Partner, his daughters, their children, my sister, her Partner, their children, my in-laws (parents and siblings) and their offspring have all been directly effected by my gambling. Not all of them know that, most do but not all. Imagine that, it's so many people, all their lives adversely affected by my choice to gamble. How many people do you continue to impact?

I've confessed, broken down, I've spent hours thinking about how to end it all. I've schemed, plotted brought and sold, sold a bit more. I've exaggrated bills, I started by avoiding conversations, progressed onto deflecting and then at some point - I don't know when - I moved into outright lying. Where are you on that chain? honestly? - so far I have found being honest with myself has been a great help. The more I unpick my mind the more I now realise just how much of a muddle I had twisted my mind into. There are some questions those around me have now asked that I can't answer, not because I don't want to but because I can't seperate fact from fiction.

I'm very early stages of my recovery but I am really trying to tackle this head on now, I'm reaching out for help, I'm listening to feedback, I'm working with complete transparency. I'm hurting. I'm struggling and I know there are still tough times to face, the debt legacy will remain for a long time yet, the impact on all those lives will carry on but I also know I am committed to this. I've tried before, many times but I've always kept something hidden, a debt, a lie, a secret, something. I've always manipulated, persuaded others to keep it to themsleves, I've guilt tripped my loved ones. I feel naked right now, I have a proper dad bod, wrecked by years of neglect, bad teeth, bad weight, bad fitness, all consequences of a perpetual battle as i have fought to hide my addiction - I am laying myself down now - ready to take the hits, hear the criticism, listen to the impact. I now know that I don't know the answers, i cannot do this myself, I need help and lots of it

Anyway, I fear I am rambling, why have I written this - because your wife has not given up on you yet. You have a chance fella but YOU have to take it.

Make this your time. Forget about everything else right now and give yourself a chance of living again. I am still living with my wife and children, I don't know if my actions now will be enough, a consquence of my actions are that my marriage may still fail - thankfully right now my wife isn't making that final decision. She is watching, watching the choices I make, when the debt is gone then she will reassess, she may decide to try and work on us but if I pushed for an answer right now, it would be the end - she is hurting badly, the money I chose to spend on gambling has changed our lives forever but it's gone, there is debt and that continues to impact us daily but even that will also go. I am a liar. By my very nature by the actions I took, I have been deceiptful and I have lied, she can't ever forget that and nor should she. To my further embarrasment, I'm not sure I would have made the choices she has, I'm not sure she would be typing that she still has a chance.

It's time, time for you to be honest, to reach out and accept help. The money has gone, the debts need repaying, they need sorting, you need to get practical, you need to deal with this, you need to show by your actions that you can once again be the man your wife fell in love with, if our similarities continue then you might need to go for a walk right now, you might need to take a breath, a big deep breath, you might need to drink a big glass of water and then you need to start talking.

There will be consequences, these will be tough, painful and maybe life changing but whatever those consequences are, they will be better than the choices you keep making

I hope this gets to you, I hope you take a moment to stop, to think and then to make better choices

My name is Dan, I'm a compulsive gambler but today I am choosing not to gamble

best wishes

Hi again,

Thank you everyone. Just wanted to know if it's normal for a cg to act like nothing has happened? My husband called today and spoke as if nothing happened last night - is this a way of trying to brush the problem under the rug?

And hi Hdodd. Sorry to see another person in the same position. Unfortunately I have no words of comfort. I have been trying to help my husband stop for a while now with no luck. But I feel better being able to write my concerns here. Do you have any family members you can talk to? Does he admit he has a problem? Also as advised by others here - separate your money. I joined for the exact same reason - to be able to talk with people in similar situations.

Take care

Sara

Hi Dan,

Thank you so much for writing. It actually brought tears to my eyes reading it and taking it in. I wish all the best for you in the future. Hopefully my husband will try as hard - but I know he's not ready as he has already placed another bet - though a free one that his site gave him. And in my eyes thats still gambling and not working on his problem. This is so hard.

I really do wish you all the best for the future.

Sara

Sara there is no such thing as a free bet, you're right. Can you show him what dan wrote? I think you can call your broadband provider and get them to block gambling sites. There has to be something you can do. Good luck

If you're an addict or living with one leave, you don't belong together! Plenty more fish.com 🙂

Hi hdodd if you start your own thread you will get more help and advice. Got to family and friends, go to bottom. I think it says new topic. Start your story there. Good luck!