Hello. My name is Becky.
My partner of 3 years, whom I live with has a gambling problem. I first became aware of it over a year ago now when I came home from a weekend away with my friends to him telling me that he's gambled away our tax rebate of £530. I was angry but we spoke and I offered to take control of his money. He said he didn't want me to do that and that he would sort this out and to trust him that it wouldn't happen again. I trusted him and he went to a gambling support group. He said that it didn't help him as he didn't want to hear other people's problems. He didn't go again, he banned himself from all the gambling websites and that was it (or so I thought).
A week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find that he wasn't in bed. I went into the living room to discover that he had tried to take his own life. Luckily, I wasn't too late, and he later disclosed to me that he did it because he was gambling again, had spent over 5 grand and all the rent money for that month. He thought I was going to leave him and that if I knew, he would lose everything, so opted to take "the easy way out".
Of course, this was a huge shock to me as I had no idea that it was still a problem, let alone to this scale. Of course, I vowed to stand by him and support him in anything that he needs. I told him that I was now going to take full control of his income and our finances. I took him to the doctor, which resulted in them giving him a course of 8 weeks of councelling. I want to support him as best I can, but is councelling enough? I've assured him I'd never leave him when he needs me so hopefully he knows now that instead of suffer in silence, he has someone to go to, to talk to and who will help and love and support him through everything?
I just feel helpless. My family aren't local at all and his mum's reaction to it all was heartbreaking as she hasn't done a thing or made an effort at all (but that's just the type of person she is).
I love him unconditionally and want to help him in any way I can but alternatively, I feel so angry that he's put me in this position and I have nobody to turn to so feel like I have to fix this all on my own. I feel like it's such a huge burden on my shoulders that I don't know if I'm strong enough to bear.
How do I help him? How do I ever learn to trust him again?
I just feel so lost at the moment.
Hi Becky
I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. I recently had a similar experience although my partner did not try to take his own life. That must have been awful for you.
One interesting thing i read was that you love your partner unconditionally. I think it would be good for you to think about this. We love children unconditionally, but can we say that for our partner? We choose a partner and in turn we expect things from them : trust, an equal relationship, no abuse.
Can you say you have these things? I feel the love and hope you have in your message and you have done all the right things. I think YOU need to go for some counselling and you may never trust him again, particularly as this is the second time it has happened (same with me so i know how absoloutely devestated you feel because YOU tried really hard to trust him the first time.) All you can do is think about how you are, how you react and damage limitation. I went to couples counselling with my CG OH and she stopped us half way through our consultation and said "hang on, your partner is having two types of therapy, support and group therapy and i hope it works, but what about YOU?
Cynical Wife and Half Life have said as much to me when i first reached out on here but it took someone who didn't know me to look me in the eye and say that. Loved ones of addicts go through a loss, for the trust and for what you thought you had. This needs to be dealt with. I so admire Cynical Wife and Half Lifes approach, they are clearly strong, capable women who have chosen to continue to love their partners but not at any risk to their finances and with strict conditions in place.
My partner and i will go back to therapy once we have bothed worked on ourselves. It is so telling that my first instinct was to "fix us" rather than "fix me". I need to either accept that it is really likely he will gamble again ( the fact i have all the cards/credit checks/bank log ins means it is likely to be minimal, or i may never know) and that i would need to foster a relationship where he could tell me without thinking it would be the end of the world.
This is a horrible thought as a non CG you cannot understand why the hell someone could ever make the same mistake over and over again, but you don't need to understand, you are not his therapist or fixer. Take the time to think if you want to live like this and what YOU want.
How are things now? I really hope you have some good friends to talk to about this.
Take Care.
I think you need to put yourself first. I learned that nobody can help CG'S other than themselves.
Unless he gets help by his own decision you will always be in pain. Sorry.
Much love xx
Hi Becky
Welcome to the forum you will find alot of support here and advice from people who understand.
You have had some good advice and I would just like to suggest that you may like to contact our free phone Helpline: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers for further help and support. We can also refer you for 12 sessions of free counselling where you can talk confidentially about how your partners actions have impacted on you and how you are feeling and also the best way for you to be able to support him at the moment.
Our lines are open every day from 8am until midnight.
Best wishes
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