Unexpected return to G after 3 years

Hi, Luci,

Being somewhat cynical, it's certainly a relief that my husband is presently in recovery but I wouldn't say that I'm proud of him, nor would I praise his newly found honesty. I'm actually still rather angry about the devastation that he has caused. And to me, refraining from wasting family money on betting, refraining from lying and refraining from stealing are duties, not virtues.

However cynical my perspective, I have lived with a CG for a long time and my experience is that he has behaved like other CGs as described on this forum, that is, mood swings, lies, denial, in short, addictive behaviour. But you mention nothing of this, is your husband being loving, is he concerned for you, do you have his undivided attention? Or are you overlooking some odd behaviours that would be explained by him gambling more than you would like to think about? Are you quite sure that you're not ignoring warning signs? No critisism is intended, I'm just suggesting that you do think, I certainly ignored obvious red flags.

My experience is that you can't trust what a CG says about money, this is the general consensus on the forum. I realise that you won't like what I'm saying but please, for your own sake, check bank statements for all of his accounts, go back as far as possible, ideally for the last five years. Get your credit reports and his from the three main credit reference agencies, so that all credit shows up. If he is in recovery, he should cooperate because he will accept the need for transparency and openness. But if he refuses you access to financial information, tells you it's not necessary, makes excuses... in my experience, he's still gambling.

He chooses recovery or to stay active, it's not because of anything that you do or don't say or do. If he is in recovery, he will see the need for you to take over the finances. If he makes excuses, gets aggressive or tells you that you're taking away his self worth...he still wants to gamble.

It's not all about him, get help for you because it is a big deal, you will need support.

Take care,

CW

Hi, Luci,

One other thing. If he's serious about recovery then he will need help. GA have multiple locations, each with regular weekly meetings, there's no waiting list. He could also get counselling from GamCare, again, the waiting time is short.

CW

Thank you CW for your advice, maybe I am being a little naive. This is all very new to me. I will chase him up on attending meetings and organising the counselling, and will ask for access to his bank accounts this evening. I understand what you have said and I will keep that in mind if he refuses. I know now that this can not be ignored and that he needs professional help.

I believe him in that, until recently, he hadn't gambled for three years. He has been a consistantly caring and attentive partner and I can't think of any odd behaviour or missing money until last month. The only thing is his occassional low times when he gets depressed, without an obvious cause, for a few days. I will try to be more alert to warning signs from now on though. I know now that I shouldn't have let him off so easily when he gambled a year into our relationship, I hadn't had any experience of CG and believed him when he said it wouldn't happen again.

I can see now that this is the beginning of a long and stressful road, and that things are going to be different from now on.

L x

Hi Luci, I'd love these episodes to be isolated incidents & for your sake, I really hope that they are but we CG's are very sneaky & manipulative! If he is serious about his recovery, he should understand that you offering to manage his finances (for now, you will always need to monitor them) is you offering to take a weight off of his shoulders, you showing him how much you care & that you are willing to put yourself out to help him. Low self esteem is certainly a common trait of a CG but it's not an excuse...Gambling batters it lower & lower every episode & the cycle must be broken but only he can do that!

Fingers crossed these are isolated incidents & not progression that cannot be disguised! Whatever you discover, know that you are not to blame & be sure to look after you - ODAAT

You can be in control of finances without ruining his self esteem, obviously you could run them in a way that is demeaning and hurtful, but equally it can be done in a considerate way. Mr P cannot be allowed a bank card, I can't even think about him having access to them without feeling like screaming, learned that the hard way, but he can be trusted with some cash for a night out with friends, so he can buy drinks or a meal etc, somehow cash is more real and respected a little better, but I know other partners here have found the opposite to be true.

I control everything, but I do it with the aim of making everyone happier and more secure, I don't make it undermining or demeaning for anyone, you will work out what works for you

Thank you for your support and advice ODAAT and Pangolin, I will talk with my partner and decide what would be best about cash, we have agreed to move his wages and all payments to a little used account of mine for me to manage. But this won't take affect until his next payday in the middle of next month so I have to hope that he still agrees then.

Our local GA group meets this evening and he says he's going to go, fingers crossed!!

Hi, Luci,

If there's anything left after his bender, move it asap. On line if you can, otherwise draw out cash together at the branch or whatever works. But leaving money lying around where he can access it is just a temptation. Don't wait for pay day. When my husband came home from his first GA meeting, late after a long day, I insisted that he hand over his bank card then and there because it was an urgent measure. He didn't like it but I had to, I wasn't being nasty or malicious, we had to start as we meant to go on and removing his card removed one aspect of his access to gambling. The timing on that occasion had to be a secondary consideration.

Get help for you, too.

CW

Thank you all, HL- it's hard coming to terms with the idea that I can't trust him but I am determined to do this by the book and will follow all your advice. CW- I'm afraid that there is nothing left to move or withdraw.

My partner went to GA Tuesday, he was very quiet and moody after but apologised for this the next day and said that the meeting had made him feel like even more of a failure. But he said he'll keep going so that's good. We are on the waiting list for Gamcare counselling so I feel like things are happening.

I am going to spend Saturday having a thorough look through his finances, credit reports etc and write up the ground rules for money, I know this is going to cause a lot of upset and an arguement so I can't face doing it on an evening after work. Please don't tell me off for waiting til Sat- he has no money at the moment so I don't think there is any immediate risk.

I don't want to tell my family as they are already trying to deal with a number of health problems and this would only add to their stress, but I told a close friend yesterday and they were really supportive and confided in me their own troubles. I think with her and this forum I'm going to be ok. I have a local gamanon group so I can go to that too if times get really tough.

L x

I'd be a bit worried if he didn't open up to you after the GA meeting. Generally people are encouraged to be as open as possible and share. Maybe he didn't want to do that?

I wonder if he let on that Gamblers Anonymous has a 12 step program and that members are supposed to get a sponsor to help them?

Did he bring home a phone list from the group? Has he been using it?

Unfortunately so many gamblers come for a few meetings if that and then say GA doesn't work for them. Problem often is they've not given it a chance.

Hi Triangle, thank you for your concern.

His second group meeting went much better, he came out really positive and it was the first time we were able to speak about the whole situation without him getting angry or upset. He spoke really nicely about the two men who headed up the group, he said he told them his story and got a lot of support and understanding. I don't think he had joined in much the first time. He even said that there is a group for families there if I needed some support, which I appriciated as it shows he understands how this is affecting me.

I think he just needed a little time to get his head around it all. He does have some leaflets and peices of paper from GA but I don't think he has a sponsor yet. I'll keep an eye out for that and make sure he sorts it asap, thanks for the inside info.

We have sorted out his finances and made a payment plan to pay off his debt. I know it's a long road and that words are easy- it's the actions that count, so I will stay viligant but I am feeling in a much better place now.

x