Walking away

I think it depends on the person who you are supporting. My husband was paralysed when we had been married only a year and he has worked so hard to get on with his life despite some very difficult times and we have always been honest with each other and we are stronger than ever.

I have recently joined this group to help support my brother who is a CG. I will support him 100% but he needs to also want to get on with his life without gambling and we are in the very early days of this process.

Both of these men mean the world to me.

I don't think there is a right answer whatever situation you find yourself in.

Hi orchid,

I think the difference with this 'illness' is the 'victim' can choose to heal themselves. Someone who becomes paralysed does not have that option. So no I don't think it makes you a bad person. In fact if your health and happiness suffers then it would make sense to walk away. I'm seriously considering ending my marriage due to the circumstances I find myself in but I've never thought it would make me a bad person. I think more of breaking up my family and how my teenage daughters would cope and if they would consider me to be deserting him.

I'm a former CG and a partner ended our relationship due to my gambling. It was painful and I was broken hearted but I got what I deserved. She did totally the right thing and made a new life for herself. I look back now and I'm glad for her that she did it. If she'd stuck with me her life would have become absolutely intolerable.

I got what I deserved. In this life I believe you reap what you sow.

Gradually I got my life together and managed to give up gambling for long periods at a time. I had relapses and these were triggered by family/personal traumas. I now recognise these triggers and how to deal with them and I do not give in to gambling urges. I've learned my lesson and cannot go back to that destructive way of life.

CG's enjoy gambling immensely. It's a totally selfish all consuming occupation. It is a lifestyle choice. Other people whom are close to them end up paying a heavy price both emotionally and financially.

If you are ultimately forced to walk away from the CG. It makes you a very brave and sensible individual. You can only be dragged down so far and ultimately it becomes a self preservation concern.

In order to give up gambling the CG has to really want to do that. If the desire is not there, they carry on to the total exclusion of all the consequences.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

No, no one would blame you for walking away.

I have a close friend who's brother had a mental illness that led to him to commit an awful act of violence against her mother, he was ill, so not his fault, but it was too much for her and everyone understands that.

My cousin was paralysed in a car accident (he will be the first to say that the accident was entirely his fault, he can only live with himself because his injuries were the worst), his girlfriend tried, but ultimately it was all too much, no one blames her for leaving.

And theres plenty of people i knwo that have left relationships for hurtful, stupid or just immature reasons, but really, it's your life and only you know what is tolerable at the time.

No-ones all good or all bad, we just do our best.

Compulsive gambling is right up there with the things that are most difficult to live with.

I dont believe any one would blame you for walking away while living with a compulsive gambler is incredibly hard, it got too much for us as parents.

My son is a compulsive gambler and life with him was intolerable, on many fronts, and we had no choice but to tell him to leave. It was the last thing we wanted and tried everything to help him and avoid this happening but ultimaterly we had to start thinking of ourselves, he didnt care about us.

I am disabled but my husband never left me, so what does that say about us, its one rule for me and another for our son.? I dont think so weve made the best decisions for us at that time.

We all know just how chaotic and sad our lives become living with a compulsive gambler and it takes a while to realise it but you have to look after yourself first, the gambler wont be thinking of you.

We have been judged as parents intitally, couple of people thought they would tell us what they thought, I was very upset at the time. Now I know different, they havent got a clue what our lives were like and if they were in the same position as us would they still be so judgemental I highly doubt it. I know now Id tell them to get lost and mind their own business.

On the flip side we have recently told our families, and they have all been fantastic, very supportive and understanding, I wish we had told them a long time ago, rather than hide it as we did.

Anyone who cares for you will be understanding with what ever you decide and anyone else who feels they can judge you dont matter. You deserve to be happy

Hi

I am a recovering CG.

I think that you can only do so much, take so much. In the end, as MrStop has said, it really is up to the Cg. If he really wants to stop, he can. There is no guarantee that he will, but he really has to put the effort in if he is to have any chance at success.

At some stage you will have to make a choice. Stay with the CG, knowing that if he continues to gamble, your life will be a life of misery. OR Choose to leave him to what he wants to do with his life, gamble away any possibility of happiness.

Unless someone has been in your position they have no right to judge, or even comment. You have read comments from both sides here. MrStop and I are recovering CGs, while the others are all partners, mothers or relatives of the CG. The result is pretty clear to me.

You deserve to have a chance at a happy life. Don't let a CG hold you back if he is unwilling to try to recover from his problem. Only you will know when enough is enough.

Best wishes

Thank you for your replies everyone. It's interesting to see it from both 'sides of the fence' and I think the point about CGs having a choice about their 'illness' is a very valid one.

While my husband says he is committed to stopping, I would challenge that judging by what's happened today... We were meant to be celebrating our anniversary by going out for lunch. I treated us for dinner the last time we went out, so the deal was that he would pay for lunch today. Anyway, he arrived and told me he had no money, asked if I would pay and he'd give me the money back in a few days. I didn't understand why he wouldn't have any money (he works full time and is also having to work in the evening delivering take-aways to get some extra cash to pay off debts, he also pays a minimal amount of rent to his friend who he is living with). Anyway, it turns out that he got a parking ticket the other day (again!) and when I pressed him, he told me that he had been to the bookies about 3 weeks ago and gambled on the machines (again). Not a huge amount (in the great scheme of things) but he stood there and said to me that he is committed to stopping. How can he be committed to stopping when the last time he went to GA was three weeks ago? When his life just doesn't seem to be any different now than it was when we separated a year and a half ago? So, needless to say, we didn't bother going out.

I think my path is becoming clearer. I think my life will be one disappointment after another if we stay together. More and more I think that I need to move on and make a life for myself. I can't wait forever and if a year and a half isn't enough time to see some change / committment, how much time does he need?!

Thanks for listening x

Hi Orchid

I do wonder why he has not attended GA regularly. At the most it would be 2 hours of his time. That's not a great deal of time when you are trying to recover from this addiction. Ideally in the early stages of recovery he should be attending as many meetings of GA as possible.

A recovering gambler with no money is generally a sure sign that he is gambling again. We all go through bad patches where money is tight, but for him not to be able to buy an anniversary dinner speaks volumes. If I was in his position I would have made sure I had that covered.

Take care

It is good to read a post from someone thinking so clearly and independently of their gambler, you know best.

I'd have to agree with Wal that the 'recovering' gambler who keeps finding himself with no money rings alarm bells.

I haven't posted for a while though I have been checking the site every few days...

So things have moved on a bit since I last posted. I spoke to my husband about getting a divorce last weekend. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I see no other option given that he continues to gamble, despite everything. It's incredibly sad as he's a lovely, kind person but I simply can't cope with it and it's not the life I want. I went for a walk today and I felt a sense of relief, happy for the first time in AGES. The last few years have been unbelievably hard - I literally feel like I have been to hell and back and I never want to go there again. That's not to say it's easy now and I am sure that emotional times are ahead, but to have a sense of normality back in my life, just felt so good.

I am posting this so I can read it myself if I ever start to have doubts about my decision. I really need to stick to it and start to make a better life for myself.

There's another thread here with much the same situation, you aren't alone at all. We cannot go through life with someone else's addiction at the top of our priority list. There is a way if living, an outlook on life that you have been dragged away from, but you will find it again, and you deserve some happiness, so I hope it all comes soon.
I hope you will still post here occasionally, your experience is a valuable one that could help many others, your strength could inspire, and it all takes a long time to come to terms with, we're always here, keep talking...

Thanks Pangolin, I appreciate your words of encouragment. You're right - I think this will take me a long time to get over. I admire those who are able to work through everything that being with a CG entails but, as hard as I tried (I literally think I tried everything I possibly could), I just wasn't able to do it. I guess I came to the point where I thought "enough is enough" and I need to move on with my life. I think only those that have lived through this knows what it is like and I wish everyone on this forum that have been affected by compulsive gambling in some way all the strength and 'self-care' possible.

I knew I had to go, Mr P had the change of heart and salvaged the marriage not me, I had used up all my strength.
You are right, no one knows this particular path unless they walk it themselves.

I think you are extremely brave to have made that decision so well done! I've recently found out that my fiancГ© has been gambling and when I initially found out I was so close to walking away. The problem is we have a 7 week old baby so I feel like I owe it to my son to try and keep the family together, despite it not being my fault that it's being ripped apart. I have told my other half that if I don't see him make an effort to try to stop/go to counselling/tell his family etc then I would leave but in all honesty I'm in two minds about whether or not I'd be strong enough to leave as I'm terrified of being alone. It's only been just over 2 weeks so still a long way to go and he has taken some steps (handed finances over to me/excluded himself from the betting sites he used) but since the initial conversation there has been no further action where counselling is concerned (no GAM anon in our town unfortunately) and he hasn't yet told anyone but his dad. I may need to start thinking about making a similar decision to you if there is no further progression soon as to our future as a family and reading this has helped me realise I am not a bad person for considering this and that it is possible to be that strong so thank you for posting here!