Hi
Well I never thought that I would have to come here for help in my life but here I am unfortunately.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year next week, here I was thinking about how we could celebrate our anniversary when he comes home and drops the bomb shell he's gambled again.
He told me fairly early on in the relationship that he'd had issues in the past with gambling and that these issues had contributed to the failure of his marriage. He told me that he had the problem under control and that he'd had help but was still trying to get over the debt he had accumulated. I informed him that I wouldn't put up with him gambling and that if he started again that would be the end of our relationship. That was almost a year ago....before I fell in love with him& before his two children became to mean the world to me. I would do anything for them and I've found myself looking forward to the weekends we spend together as a family. Things are strained with his ex wife but I thought we were getting there slowly, she's still very bitter as are her family and I could never fully understand their anger towards him but now I'm slowly starting to.
We currently live in the rented house i lived in before meting him, when he moved in it was agreed everything would remain in my name and he would give me money each month. Its worked well and as we have to leave this house in six months due to the landlord returning from overseas we have decided to renovate a property that his parents own. Due to his financial state we decided that I would co own the property with his parents as he couldn't get a mortgage. With a view to the two if us owning the property when his credit score is better and his debt paid off.
We have been scrimping and saving for a while to try and make the house livable before we have to move. He's been in a bad mood for a few weeks I put it down to tiredness as we've both been working hard to get the house ready and to earn enough money to live and pay for the house.
Last night he came home late and refused to tell me why he was so late. After a few hours of the silent treatment he finally told me that he had gambled away ВЈ2500. As you can imagine I was furious I had spent £40 on a pair of shoes for my sister's upcoming wedding and was trying to justify the spend....Whilst he was sat in his office gambling away everything.
He seems to know what he's done, he's asked me to take control of all his finances and he's set up some councilling sessions but I can't help but feel that something is off. Should I stick to my initial instinct from a year ago and walk away now or do I stick by him. He's told me he wouldn't blame me if I leave but I can't seem to do it my hearts telling me to stand by him and help him with his problems but I'm worried that this isn't the end of it.
He hasn't stole from me, it was his money that he's gambled but it's scared me.
I'm out of my depth here...any advice would be welcomed.
Thanks
OK so its done, now you can take control.
No second chances, no going back on this your in control of every penny from now on other wise his illness will just reappear again. I would be insisting he attends a GA meeting weekly too. Counsellors are good too. but you have limited time with them, GA is there for life.
The best help you can give him isnt the cuddley friendly "its all going ot be ok" type help, be cause if he keeps gambling it wont be ok. Definite boundaries, they sund like limitations on life, but actually they are security and you need that.
Handing over financial comtrol should be a relief for him.
Get to a agam anon meeting yourself if you can, i know its not you that has the problem, but sme extra mental tools in your armoury wouldnt go amiss and we have years of experience and positivity to share.
Best thing you have done is to start talking, so keep talking....
I guess there are a couple of positives to come out of what has happened. He has confided in you, a bit late but better now than later. He has sought counselling and asked you to take control of the finances. All good and necessary measures.
How did he get his gambling 'under control' previously? If it was due to attending GA and/or counselling, why did he stop attending same?
I attend GA weekly. It's my reminder that I have a gambling issue. I have been clean for more than 3 years now, and intend to go on attending GA. Am I cured? No, I can never be cured, but I can manage my addiction. I think many ex-gamblers feel that once they have been off the punt for a while that they can have a bet again, because they feel that they are in control again. One thing we can never do is have a bet again. We can do everything else except gamble.
Follow Pangolin's advice. She has been where you are now so her knowledge is invaluable to you.
Best wishes
Thank you to both of you for the advice. He has told me that before the other day he hasn't gambled for 9 months. He was attending counselling and ga meetings before I met him but said he was still gambling whilst he was going so stopped. When he stopped last time he said that something just clicked in his mind and he knew he had to stop.
I'm not making excuses but I think the stress of moving etc has triggered this set back although he won't admit that. My main worry is that he's going to do this every time something stressful happens in life.
I now have full control of all his finances and he has booked a session next week for councilling.
He still doesn't want anyone else to know and I don't know what to think about this....is this normal?
I know the full extent of the damage now and we've tried to think of a plan of action to clear the debt. He's looking at it as his debt but doesn't seem to realise that it does effect me as I'm going to have to keep him and provide for us and his kids while he's paying of the mountain of debt he's accumulated. We will never be able to get a joint mortgage and now I'm not going to be able to provide for us and save...its a vicious circle.
He said to me earlier that this is rock bottom and things can only get better and I have to be honest I was quite mean to him as I told him he didn't know that and if he carried on things were going to get so much worse. I don't think it was the response he was expecting. I feel bad now as he probably was looking for support and I just had another go at him. I suppose we have to be cruel to be kind I suppose.
Yes we do, and keep in mind that this an immense kindness you are doing. Gam anon meeting or some counselling for yourself will help your feelings about your feelings, if that makes sense.
Debts - stepchange were brilliant. Normal household expenses must come first, his contribution to the household pot comes first.
Thanks ill contact them. Should I go to the meetings with him or separately?
Gamblers anonymous meetings are for the gamblers, GAM anon meetings are for people who's lives have been affected by someone else's gambling. They tend to be held at the same venue but in different rooms.
GA is his business, let him do that alone, let him talk honestly and freely, if you're there he will hold back things he doesn't want you to know. You can come and talk with equal honesty and freedom to GAM anon meetings, he wont be there to have his ego damaged and we are unshockable, keep talking...
..."He still doesn't want anyone else to know and I don't know what to think about this....is this normal?" Yes it is nornal, but not advisable. He has told you, now he should be telling his family. If he gets his gambling problems out in the open, he will feel much better, and his family can then also become part of his support group.
GA is not just about addicts stopping gambling. It is a process of self-evaluation. We have to 'own' our gambling problem and be willing to accept that to overcome the addiction, be willing to accept that changes have to be made. Those changes are of a spiritual nature. (not religious). When referring to spiritual, I mean a better, nicer person. This occurs over time, and is a gradual process.
I wonder if when he was attending GA/counselling, was he honest enough to tell them that he was still gambling? Unless people are honest, we can't help. Either way, maybe he is ready to accept that he is going to need help now, and is willing to attend and commit to long term GA meetings. I fully intend to go to GA every week for the rest of my life. I consider it my weekly 'medicine'. A reminder that I do have a problem and that if I am not wary I will be in that nightmare again. I really do not want to go back to that place again.
Yake care
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