Hello,
I'm new here and I'm here because my best friend is getting himself deeper and deeper into trouble and I don't know how to help him. He's always been a gambler but over the last few months its spiraled out of control. He always seemed to win back what he put in and although he knew it was wrong he didnt think it was a problem. The amount he is now gambling is out of control. He has Adult ADHD and his behaviour is always very erractic. I deal with everything for him as he just doesn't have concentration or focus to do it. I lent him money 2 weeks ago to pay some bills. To be fair, anything he borrows from me he pays back but then borrows again. Last week, he sent me a screenshot of his online backing to show that "a a click of a button" he was authorised for a £1600 overdraft. He has 3 bank accounts and the one he got his overdraft on is the worst. They're are endless charges for going over, the statement is just a list of online gambling sites and the money going in is going straight to these sites. He spent the £1600 in about 30 minutes. He felt really low after. He keep saying that he can't see no way out and that he can see no future. We are so so close so killed me to hear him say this and I've been wracked with worry. I went to his house on Monday and he was telling me how easy it was to get the money. He logged on to the same bank account and was authorised then and there for another £1800! I told him to call and get it revoked. Instead, in the time it took me to make a cup of tea (so minutes) he'd lost it all. I was sorting through his paperwork (something he asks and knows I do) and there were 2 letters from different companies refusing him for loans. He has regular debt collecting letters.
He's in a pit of depression. I have a background in financial managment so I can help him to get to a point where it can all be sorted through and he can see it organised and structured and see the repayments coming down. The problem is, he thinks he can get medication to stop the urge to gamble. He keeps saying "When I get my head sorted, we can sort the rest out". I've told him its not going to work like that, the sooner we can get on top of it he'll know where he is with it all. He's burying his head in the sand. I've not been hounding him because I know it'll do no good. He's on a self destruct and I don't know where to start and what I can do to help. I don't want to do something trying to help him but indirectly make things worse.
Sorry for the essay of a post. I'd be grateful for any advice, ideas or suggestions. Many Thanks
Hi kiki, no need to appolagize for the long speech, in cases like these sometimes more information is better than less. i completely understand both sides.
speaking as a gambler himself who has had this addiction for the passed 10 /11 years and is recovering and is towards being being clean and close to it... i use to spend thousands a night for days and weeks at a time.. iv lost 4000 in 30 minutes before and 7 in a matter of 2 days maybe not even that. i have also been in self destruct mode, the shakes, hyperventlated etc etc. if i began to to tell you everything we would be here for days..
firstly you are doing the right thing for seeking help!
secondly he should know just how / what an amazing friend he has that is doing this for him truely you are.
thirdly.. now i think you need to get his mind of it.. make it focused on something else like take him out of the house, spend time with him, take up an activity with him... this will get his mind of the thought of it also you can make him play the games on a demo ... for me the idea of winning and playing games was the bounus and the sound ... if he plays the demo he will eventually get board of it i know this seems like how would that help but it did for me in a way as you can play the game and still get the thrills without spending anything at all... although its the not the same as playing with actual money but it does help regaurdless.. also if he is in deep depression dont moan or have a go at him if he has done something silly because the chances are he knows he has done something stupid and incredible wrong so if you have a go at him it will add more stress on to him to the point where he could topple himself.. best to just act normally by him, be happy take him out as you would for a night out... because why kick guy down when he already is down its just going to push him furthur and furthur away... so keep calm and no matter how madd you are dont explode your load on him because it will just stress him out even more... get him in a social enviroment somewhere where he can relax enjoy the company he without stress.
the other thing to do is to self exclude himself from all the main sites he uses this will block him form the site you can do this if you go to the site - account responsible gambling - self exclude and then get the internet server provide and block all casino sites and add a password so he cant change it.
there are a ton of way that help me through my recovering state to date where now im at the end and i can see the finish.. i would love to help you more so you can message me any time you want and we can discuss all the options you can do if you want but i think i have said a few things that will help.
so get him out the house
self exclude
and most importantly dont add more stress to him, keep calm and be their for him.. spend time with him talk to him about things he likes and what he is interested in and gt him out of the house in a socail enviroment away from s**t..
kiki i hope this helps and if you need to talk more please do as it will help me too.
cheers all the best george x
Hi Kiki I'm wife of cg. This is what I would do. If he asks for money for bills, you pay direct, don't give him money. Then I'd go with him to meeting at bank and explain ADHD and gambling and ask for charges to be revoked, pay overdraft but if poss get them to drop that bit I'm sure that's how but works now as charges just make debt bigger. Call the helpline for gambling issues, see if he will call and speak too. The other thing is self exclusion online, download software to stop gambling sites, do it with him so you know passwords not him. If he's depressed go to gp. I think you've been amazing friend and support for him. This is a difficult addiction to stop. It is a solitary pastime and tough to resist if you live alone. As George said try and distract him and get him out. Keep talking, good luck
Hello kiki1809
Your friend is indeed lucky to have a friend like you who cares about him so much. However, one of the first and most difficult lessons to learn is that he has to ask for help himself, he has to come to the realisation that he needs to ask for help. Yes it can help to keep him busy but try not to take the responsibility for his recovery on his shoulders.
It is interesting that George has found playing free demos helpful in his recovery. Everyone has their own strategies which help them as individuals, but it's worth knowing that some people find playing free demos can be a trigger to return to playing for money.
Your friend's situation is celarly causing you a lot of pain. Whether or not your friend accepts help, we can be here for you. Why not give us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133? We may also be able to offer free counselling to help you cope with this situation.
Take care,
Forum Admin
Yes good advice mary go round,
kiki i wanted to just say also quickly like i said before and MGR. the best thing to do is -
1. if he is stressed and feeling really depressed dont have a go or moan at him when he has done something wrong (exsample if you found out he gamble again - dont shout out at him because it could stress him out even more and push him further into depression) but of course any confrintation when anyone is in a state of real depression or self destruct could push them futher so keep calm and relax no matter how bad you want to you have to keep calm. i only say this from exprience.
2.- get him out of the house, foucus his mind on something else. get him in a social enviroment even if its taking an activity up or going out with friends, having fun.
3. talk to him or atleast get his friends to come round and spend time with him chilling talking. for me but i know its not the same for everyone talking to an advisor can be stressfull and feel demeaning and not that right advice and just talking a friend in a relaxed enviroment can be so much better as its geniune and can help you alot rather than talking to someone random.
4. self exclusion this block him from the site you also if it is a chain self exclude your self from multibles sites of theirs, also if he self excludes him self big company such as ********** not only will you be blocked online but from the casinos in general.
5. as MGR said and you can download a gamblig block for the internet so it will block all gambling sites or you can go to your internet sever provide (the company that provides you with internet) and change the settings on their to block it out that way. you can also put a password on it so you only know it.
6. as MGR said get rid of the overdraft its just going to add more stress and more debt explain to the bank situtation and they will get overdraft removed but what they will probably do is they will cap it so if your are / he is overdrawn you have to pay the existing amount off without them adding extra incriments on like fines so you just pay the set number off and then after that he wont be able to go overdrawn. so when he has run out of money he cant go overdrawn. also state not to give him loan and they will try and sort something.
7.tak his wallet and etc and be in charge of his banking etc etc and when he wants some money he can ask you you and you can give him like 10 pounds for the night or something and when he spent it he spent it. that way you and he knows when and where the money has gone and you can keep track.
8.you can talk to the bank and get them to stop any transactions that are gambling related with this im not sure how you can do this but im pretty sure you can do this again this is a good way as well.
9. you can also which is not a coventional way of doing it but it will get him the procss of stopping is you can set limits within gambling sites so they will not let you go over 100 pounds for exsample and will stop you from depositing any more etc for the day and their are a load of other settings with it.. but again its not the most conventual way but its a way that i know has helped a few people.
10. make him right down on a calender the last time he gambled and then make him count a 100 days find the 100th day and make him wright 100days sober and each day he does without make him cross out the day. this will make him and you see and know how on track he is. and if he does slip up you can just add a little circle on the corner and then count 100 days then and repeat the system.
kiki these are just things that will help him, but most importantly keep calm and get him out .
hope this helps
all the best george
x
Thank you all so very much! There is so much information here for me look through and try and put into action. A few days ago, I told him I could help him and I left it at that. I know that it needs to come from him. Out of the blue last night he messaged me "Help me". I think now he's asked, that it's been said off his own back, he truly does want to find a way out. With the information you've given me, I feel I'm better equipped for us to start sorting through everything and getting him on the right track...so thank you.
Today, I've been able to get all of his banking paperwork together so I can see what the best way forward is. The situation is worse than I first thought, but with him accepting help, it's a start.
Thank you all again!
Sorry some of the advice you've been given I would completely dismiss. @akon I can't believe you're linking a gambling YouTube station on a site for gambling addicts. I can't understand the advice you're giving to Kiki saying do this for him do that for him . And then saying let him play demo games ?
Hi Kiki1809,
I would like to reiterate what previous admin has said: this is his problem, he has to do the work, you can't do it for him.
Please get in touch with the Helpline or the Netline and talk to an adviser, and give your self the space to reflect and find a way forward that doesn't just include you taking all the responisibility and doing the work for your friend.
All the best,
Forum Admin
I am amazed the bank are authorising £3K+ in overdraft limits when he's already proved he can't keep a lid on what's going on with the existing charges for contravening account limits but a good place to start now he's asked for help is insisting this bank don't approve further extensions. If he will agree to you handling his finances fully it will give you a lot more scope to limit his access to gambling.
Don't set limits with the gambling sites. Get him to self exclude for the longest possible time. Push for permanent SE even if the T&C's set out a max of a few years. Once that's done install password protected blockers onto everything he uses to gamble .
Agree with Deano that playing demo games is playing with fire. Just don't go there but the advice to use other means of distraction is sound.
Practical barriers only go so far though. The real desire for change has to come from him. He could look into the free counselling Gamcare offer along with finding and attending his nearest GA meeting. He needs to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion.
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