Hi,
My finance on Monday night admitted to me he has been gambling on his credit card. Thousands of pounds. We are currently living with his grandparents saving for a mortage. We have been here a year with our 2 year old son. It hasn’t been a great year for me adjusting to being here and I’ve made it clear I can’t wait for us to get our own place. We used to rent before. We also have our wedding booked for next May. We have been through money issues in the past on his end again, pay day loans, gambling, missing payments on direct debits. Lying and trying to cover up stuff before. In the past I’ve taken the approach of don’t worry I can fix it all and have done this for him. Sorted his finances, managed his money and made sure no one was aware of what happened.
This time I can’t do that, he has jepodised the next year of our lives by doing this as all the money we have saved for a mortage is practically pointless as now he is in debt with interest amounting thick and fast. I’ve asked him to leave and tell the family of what has happened. He has been doing a lot of research and has come to terms with the fact he has a gambling problem. He attending his frost G.A. meeting last night with his mum in tow. He is an amazing pattern and father to our son and other than this we have the best relationship going. But this whole week I have felt sick, haven’t been able to eat really talk to anyone and now I feel like I’m being a terrible mum. He’s taking the right steps but I’m the one struggling with what the future holds. Our family has helped a lot with our wedding plans and I feel this terrible guilt that what if that’s all a waste and we don’t end up getting married? And that now it has mucked our chances of ever getting a mortage and now I feel even more trapped than ever. I can’t believe that this is my life and this is what’s happening. I can’t look at him or talk to him as I can’t believe this is the case.
I thought I knew him and that he would never do anything like this. Although me and him are both starting to realise that he’s a had a problem a lot longer than we thought. Can anyone relate? Does it get better? What do I do?
Thanks
Any relationship is a test of love and devotion. If your in a relationship with an addict of any sort then even more so. If you have a job so your both providing an income you need to take control of your own finances, having a shared account is risky n even the most stable of relationships. It's a catch 22, I highly doubt your partner lost all that money out of selfishness as he probably wanted to make the situation better for your family. If we doubled that money by gambling ensuring yourselves a mortgage would you have still made an account on here questioning your relationship angered that he risked it all or would you celebrate together and hope he doesn't do it again? Point being he probably risked it all out of love. If you both have an income and want a mutual relationship built on trust I suggest you separate your finances. If you you talk things through and he accepts he's got a problem and you both want to make it work I suggest you take full control of both your finances and give him 'pocket money' until your both financially secure
Hi trapped! Yes that's how we all feel initially. If you have savings do not give them to him. If he can't pay his debt he needs to talk to stepchange. Keep your money for you and your child. If you give him the savings he will be free, his credit rating will look good and he will be able to borrow more. You want him to stop getting credit. For you, you need to find a gamanon meeting and so should his mother. You must secure your finances, as Sam says, completely separate. I control all money, all bank accounts. My husband has cash for coffee or topup travel, he gives a receipt and change to the penny. If your partner is online he must put blocks in place, sign up to gamstop, attend GA every week, more if he can. Yes he has a problem and it is forever. If you can't get to a gamanon meeting call gamcare and talk. There is also online gamanon Sunday night 8-9. This doesn't have to be the end of your relationship but you do need to learn how to deal with an addict and take control. This is all a terrible shock. You will be totally incredulous as to how he could do this. It will get better but you must be able to see changes. He should handover the finances or be totally transparent. Get support, no more secrets.
Hi Trapped,
As a compulsive gambler, I was on the other side of the coin. My partner stood by me but it took me hitting rock bottom before I really admitted to myself I had a problem. GA has helped turn my life around but there is no magic bullet or quick fix, it takes time and effort for compulsive gamblers to change our behaviour and mindset.
For me when things go tough, gambling was my escape bubble. A win made me feel great and when gambling I could zone out and forget about everything and everyone else in my life. It can be very hard to explain and this is one of the reasons GA meetings work so well, as fellow CGs know exactly what we are going through.
GamAnon is for family or loved ones of CGs so would be a good place for you get some support as you also should not have to go through this alone. Its good to get eveything out in the open as much as possible also, hiding and secrets are the life blood of addictions, honesty and openess are the cures.
If you keeping him in your life you do have to set strict rules Im afraid, these may ease over time but for the fore seeable furture these must be in place if your living with a compulsive gambler.
Support - he cannot give up by will power alone, he needs support. GA is a good place for him to go which he is doing.
Gambling Barriers - He is a compulsive gambler, he will have urges to gamble again just like any other addiction. Putting up barriers simply means making it as difficult for him to gamble as possible when these urges occur. He should self exclude from all betting shops nearby (he should do this with you) and also form any onlide sites he is a signed up to. He should also sign up with Gamstop which will help prevent him from signing up with more sites in future. There is Gamban software that can be installed on his phone or laptop (its a tenner for the year but you need to install it so he cant turn it off).
Financial Barriers - Gamblers like to leave some access to cash open to themselves that their partners may not be aware of, this is common and can easily trigger a replase. You shoul dhave access to everything, he should not have anything to hide. You should have access to his emails, accounts, credit rating (my partner has full access to my Clearscore account, this shows my credit ratings and if I take out a loans or credit card it shows up here). Some partners are, understandably reluctant to take full finacial control but its important to help the recovering addict. There are varying degrees, some hand over everything and dont even have a debit card so partners give them some cash for lunch etc and they have to account for every penny spent with reciepts (as a gambler I would go wothout luch if it meant i could use the fiver or tenner for gambling). In my case my partner and I have a joint account (she has her own seperate account also). My wages go in there and I use a debit card for any transaction as 99% of the time you dont need cash nowadays. This way she can simply check the account on her phone and see all transactions. Again if I withdraw cash I show waht its for and should seldom need cash as everywhere basically accepts card payments now.
You will have to plan ahead for a re-lapse, they are common but you should see changes in his behaviour and personality if he is taking his recovery seriously.
Its not an easy path, but you say he is a good partner and father so hopefully he can battle his demons and you can all enjoy a happy family life gamble free.
Trapped, i really appreciate you have suffered because of your partner gambling.He is not doing it on purpose. Gambling is a very serious addiction and it should be seen as that.I myself can't have any credit card's or Debit card's. You have to put preventitive measures in place all a compulsive gambler need's to function is a savings account. This will help stop the online gambling. Personally i only ever want now is a savings account credt and debit you can't have when your a compulsive Gambler. i wish you well all the best
Johnny 57
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
