Hi,
I'm looking for some advice removed link
The backstory - I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 5. We've got two children 9 and 7, both good jobs and a nice house. We live well and are lucky enough to be able to afford family holidays/days out ect.
5 years ago, not long after we got married his behaviour started changing; was stressed a lot and snappy, one day it came out he was gambling, online on some stupid apps. He was in a lot of debt just under 20k, I'd always know he had gambled when he was younger he was open about that but until that point, I didn't know it was a problem. He admitted then it was an addiction, swore he wouldn't do it again and we worked together to pay off the debt, close all the cards and get back in control. He kept a diary and did so well I stupidly started relaxing about it. I told him for my and my kids security if he did it again I couldn't stay as couldn't trust him.
About 6 weeks ago his brother (who knows none of this history) encouraged him to go and play poker at a local club, hubby works from home helps loads around the house and rarely goes out so I was fine with this, helps socially and sees his brother - does this need to stop? .
Tonight he has arrived home from said poker, I was asleep in bed as it was late but woke when he came in, he has told me he is gambling again. Been going on and off for about a year he said but I suspect longer, again online to the point where today is pay day and he's spent his disposable income for the month already! He says that there is no debt apparently apart from a small amount borrowed from a friend and an overdraft. So not the same as last time with the debt secrets but still will mean probably £4-500 a month wasted. He now wants to hand his finances over to me and has said he will go to meetings which he wasn't willing to do before.
I guess my question is what now? I am heartbroken at the prospect of losing him and us not being a family, my kids would be utterly devastated and he is saying all the right things so it would be easy to just take over the financial stuff and move on but the future worries me I can't keep going round this loop, feeling like I can't trust him or being scared he will endanger our security.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi SLW
i control finances. I also went to a solicitor initially filing for divorce which never happened, but did do ‘tenants in common’. This protects your share of the house.
regarding finances initially we did cash and receipts. Now he has a card which he can’t use online without a text coming to me, I have passwords to account online not him, he tells me if he draws cash and what for.
we did go to meetings before lockdown. For me they were support and I learned how to protect myself.
Merry Go Round talks a lot of sense.
I am not one to be sympathetic but I think he's done the right thing.....he has told you so you could perhaps understand that is a big step and trust that he is serious. Give him a chance....and I don't often say that after you have already given him a chance once before.
Its a terrible terrible addiction is gambling and not easy to stop lying and deceiving those you love even when you know you could lose them.
Firstly, I'd ask him for complete honesty as the problem is likely worse than he's told you (borrowing off mates to gamble is pretty desperate). Sit down and give him a chance to tell you everything - one chance to come clean.
Secondly, you have to have control of all bank statements and his banking passwords. You can look for your self what he has done over the last couple of years. Dont take no for an answer - he may turn it around and suggest you dont trust him as thats what we gamblers do - but don't accept it as he only wants to hide stuff from you. Thats what I would have done.....very sadly..
Tell his brother. Get an assurance that he understands that he must never include him or encourage him to gamble under any circumstances again - thats what I had to do with my brothers - and it works. Tell his brother that if it happens again he would not be welcome in your house. Be blunt with him. Its not his fault but thats how it has to be or the marriage will end.
Most importantly, ring GamCare and get help in self-exclusion etc etc. It works so do it.
The very best of luck to you both - remember, dont be soft with your husband but give him a chance as he has told you. You are not to blame no matter what he says to your demands for openness, control of finances and honesty.
Hi
New here and hoping I can help as an ex gambler .
Both need to sit down together and talk about it , understand it and make sure he tells everything matter how hard it is for him.
Control all finances and income and make sure he gets some help.
It's a life destroyer and can affect so many people
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