What to do next

Would love some advice please, I’m struggling with if I help him or leave him

Dear Kirsty,

This must be a very challenging time for you. Unfortunately, problem gambling doesn’t just go away so, even though your partner managed to stop for a while the problem returned since he didn’t have any treatment. It would be good if you encourage him to get in touch with our services for an informal chat. It may also help you to speak to an adviser about your situation. We are open from 8am until midnight, 7 days a week. Also, it would be wise for you to take full financial control in the meantime.

Wishing you all the best

Forum Admin

Sorry to hear what’s going on but time for a reality check: it isn’t that he “had” a “little” gambling problem, it was and still is that he has an addiction to gambling and therefore behaves accordingly. His addiction isn’t temporary, it’s permanent but he can arrest it...if that’s what he chooses to do.

Advice to you isn’t a stranger’s opinion as to whether you help him or leave him. The best advice for you is to look at the reality of your situation: you are in a relationship with a compulsive gambler. If he’s been gambling, then that involves emotional absence, lying, manipulation etc. Is this how you want to be treated? Are these the examples and life lessons that you want for your son? And what is your part in it all? What makes you think that tolerating the intolerable (as I did) is better than the alternative? If you want to make changes to a dysfunctional pattern of behaviour, then accept that it takes time.

In the short term, educate yourself about addiction and how to protect yourself financially. Find a GamAnon meeting and go regularly to learn how to take care of yourself.

Longer term, if you stop trying (in vain) to dictate what he does and move your focus over to you, if you let go of what he does or doesn’t do or thinks or doesn’t think and focus on what you allow or expect or encourage or tolerate, if you look at what you want and need and deserve, if you approach it from a position of knowing yourself and what you want, the answers become clearer. But not on Day 1, it’s a long process that takes time and meetings.

CW

Hi Kirsty, I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation. My husband is a compulsive gambler he has been gambling on and off his whole adult life. We have been together for 19 years, he has gambled secretly twice in our relationship, I have only recently found out about the most recent episode.

Only you can decide if you should stay with him. My husband has never got help before, this time he has admitted he has an addiction which he can’t control. He has allowed me full control of our finances as he can’t be trusted, he is going to counselling and Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t think I could stay with him if he didn’t do these things as I know that he would just start gambling again, even if he stopped now (he stopped for four years since last time).

Get yourself some support see if there is a Gam Anon meeting near you. If not they do an online meeting, I have found it helpful to talk to people who understand. My husband also gets support and help from his GA meeting. Gambling is devastating, it’s a horrible shock to find out what your loved one is capable of. I hope you get the support you need. Take it one day at a time but my advice is don’t trust him when it comes to gambling if he doesn’t want/get help.

Hi Kristy

I am so sorry. This is a really c**P situation for both your partner and yourself.

Gambling isn't about the money. It is a coping mechanism for a deeper problem. It doesn't go away without addressing the issues that triggered it. Unfortunately all this lands squarely in your partner's court.

I know it feels like it but this isn't any indication of his love for you or his family. This is an addiction and is very progressive. First and foremost you need to take control of the finances in order to protect yourself and your child. I would also try and find a Gam Anon that you can attend to get some support for yourself.

Nobody can tell you whether to stay or go. It's a huge shock and undoubtedly turned your world upside down. Give yourself some time.

Cathyx

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your comments, I have no idea about gambling and have been reading about it all day and trying to educate myself and that’s how I come across the site, your comments mean a lot thank you

Hi Kirsty the first time I found out I was in complete shock, it wasn't the gambling it was the extent of the debt. How did that happen? He promised never again! He just became secretive and didn't stop. So few months later when the debt was more he went to GA. He did a year, handed over finance, I went to gamanon. I learnt to safeguard myself, keep the finances, and that I couldn't stop him. The one thing I didn't learn was how easy it was to get credit even without money going into a bank account. He also used colleagues gambling accounts. Going back to gamanon meetings has opened my eyes to how easy it is to gamble without anyone knowing. The extent they will go to to gamble. Desperate measures. Support is vital for you to look after yourself. He will tell you it's not a problem. But in real terms he's probably thinking 'how can I win it back?'. He will be bombarded by invitations from the sites he gambled on. It's really important for you to stay strong, to set a few ground rules. Don't feel guilty, don't take the blame. Safeguard your money. Don't think this gets better and stops. It is forever and they are always one bet away from disaster. If he's being open and honest, handing over finance, attending GA, then these are all signs of recovery. The best thing for you, as everyone else has said, is get to a meeting. Please don't ignore this.

I have been talking to him and he has realized his problem, his going to book a doctors appointment he has found a gamblers anonymous meeting to go to, he has been reading other people’s stories, maybe this is step one for him.

Hi again, more talking has been done, I’ve seen the bank statement from him, it’s not a nice feeling, he has handed me over bank cards, he has no access to money, and he says he is going to a meeting next week but we will see.

Those are all positive signs Kristy! I am not a spouse of a gambler (I'm a mom) but the trick with this is to find the balance between being supportive and not taking over their recovery. The best way to do this is to work on yourself and find lots of support for yourself.

Cathyx

Thank you, I do feel like I really need some support as I’m so confused as to what to do how to feel etc, I feel like I’m having to put on a brave face all the time for the sake of our child I dread anyone asking me if I’m ok because I just break down all the time. I’m so emotionally drained.

Have you checked to see if any counselling is available in your area. I've managed to get an appointment through Gamcare - if you follow the links on the website. My first session is next Wednesday.

I have also found it very hard identifying how I feel. My husband is seeking help and addressing the issues and I think he feels relief that we all know now. I'm not sure how I feel, we have been together for 19 years and I do really love him but at the same time I'm not sure who he really is. He has lied to me on many occasions but the worst thing for me is he lied to my daughter. She caught him gambling on his phone in Feburary this year and challenged him. She found this very difficult and discussed it first with her brother and father, my husband is her step father since she was 3, she is 24 now. My husband denied it very strongly and she felt awful that she had wrongly accused him. Turns out he was gambling. She is heart broken, it was hard for her to confront him and she thought that they had a close relationship and of course she trusted him. For me this is one of the worst things that he has done and I don't know if I can forgive him. I'm not sure if she ever will. Everytime I think about it, it makes me feel sick. It is so hard to live with that level of emotional stress, I don't think anyone who isn't going through it can understand how exhausting it is. That is why I decided to try counselling to get a bit clearer on things, so I can feel more resilient.

Have you checked to see if there is a gam-anon meeting in your area that you could attend?

I have looked and there is counseling but it’s about half hour away and I don’t drive, so I maybe need to look for somewhere else but feel like I need it very soon as I’m really struggling.

That is exactly how I feel about my partner. I do really love him I’m just finding it extremely hard to believe anything he has said and if I know the extent of the gambling I just can’t believe anything he says, I’m still so angry, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him either and it also makes me feel very sick. I just feel like the relationship has been fake and a lie.

Hi Kirsty some offer phone counselling, that might be better as you don't drive. Call gamcare and find out. There is gamanon online support on Sunday night 8-9.