What to do next

Hi Kirsty .

You have a lot of spot on advice from many here at Family and friends which I would take heed of .

I'm on the other side of the fence in that for many years I was a compulsive gambler until I came here a few yrs ago and haven't had a bet since , that being said it something that although I can control , I'm very aware that I'll never be cured of .

As a CG I just wanted to give you a little perspective as to the way your partners mind is working and in his mind everything is justifyable because he loves you and wants to provide for you and his child , I understand how hard that must be to take on board but that's how we allow ourselves to carry on self destructing and taking down all those around us both financially and emotionally .

If we can say to ourselves everytime we gamble that whatever we win will provide money and material things for the family well that's the green light and that even justify's us dipping into family savings , loans or maxing out credit cards . In our screwed up world we visulise ourselves winning a massive life changing amount that will repay all those losses that have gone before and set us up nicely again and that's despite all those losing bets that have gone before demonstrating the polar opposite .

He need's help that's for sure and you certainly need support of your own which has been suggested already but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if you feel you can still move forward with your relationship accept nothing less than total transparency from him , protect yourself in any way you need financially and make sure he follows through with any promises he makes or you expect him to make regarding help with his addiction .

Finally just to say that this is all fixable and he can beat it but that it won't happen overnight .

Best wishes

Alan

Your recovery is about learning how to take care of yourself. That means doing what it takes to get the support you need, for no better reason than you need it, it’s important to you so it has to be done. No explanation or justification is required.

Put another way, start investing in yourself the effort needed to get to the counselling or GamAnon or whatever, even if that interferes with other people’s schedule.

CW

Alan thank you for ur insight, I found out last night that he hasn’t just been doing it for 3 months it’s been all year and he’s continued to lie when I gave him the chance to tell me everything, for now I need to get myself some support because I just can’t cope, he didn’t show any remorse I didn’t feel like he was sorry there was just no expression on his face. It’s just so hard but I thank each of you for ur comments.

Hi Kirsty .

Well that's a CG for you unfortunately !! , in denial that we have a problem we will tell you what we believe is enough to get you off our backs so we can continue gambling . He's now realised the games up and he has a choice to make yet all the time trying to figure out if he could let this all blow over in order to continue , 3 yrs of being around here has shown me what from personal experience has already taught me " We become masters of illusion " .

Sorry but if there's no remorse or honesty he's probably not ready to give up ? so just look after you and your family for now .

As with yesterday I wish you well and if I can help you know where I am .

Best wishes

Alan

Sorry to see this.

You can't trust him to tell you the truth and even if he did you couldn't believe it so it's important for your sake to establish independently exactly what's going on for yourself. You've taken over the finances and prevented his accessing them which is fine but you also need access to his credit records with every agency which will show you any borrowing he's made along with any secret bank accounts he hasn't disclosed.

Once you've secured the finances and established the real picture you it will give you a more solid basis to start assessing the future. It also buys you time to see if he's actually doing anything to address and arrest his addiction.

Personally I didn't go down the counselling/Gamanon route. I read everything I could lay my hands on about the whole thing and decided how I wanted things to be if Mr L was going to stand any chance of a future with me. He has complied willingly with everything I've asked.

It's hard to understand and accept but the lying and deceiving isn't personal. They really are not rational in the grip of it and they do things even they would once never have believed possible. There's a lot of advice and support out there for him when and if he's ready. Concentrate on you. Maybe talk to friends and family you can trust. Feeling alone with it all is exhausting.

I felt last night that he wasn’t ready to give up I was going to stand by him and help him but there are just more lies after lies and excuses.

yes I will look after my child now as she is the main priority and I can’t have her knowing what’s gone on but then I feel like I become the bad one as her daddy won’t be around and I don’t want her to blame me when this isn’t my fault.

Thanks Alan there’s probably a good chance u will hear from me again.

How would I get access to credit records? I went on the gambling sites he used that I know of and see he’s betting history but I have now cancelled and closed them accounts. I don’t think I’ll ever know the true extent of the lying and the gambling or how much money has gone.

Hi Kirsty Experian, clearscore, noddle and mse (money saving expert). These are the ones I've heard of, you can sign up to notifications so you know when they apply for loan or credit card. The lack of remorse is common. The numbness is how they become after, their mind is fogged, they are thinking about gambling. They are mentally 'not there'. You will send yourself mad trying to stop him. They become totally withdrawn and all gambling will become 'out of sight'. The most important thing is to look after you. Offer emotional support nothing else.

Just to say one is not every bank or credit agency. Diff bank diff company. Get credit reports from all, not just Experian

Good to know Experian are finally offering a free service themselves rather than just through MSE. That's taken far too long. Thanks for highlighting that, ALN.

Kirsty - agree with MGR. Get reports from every agency. Noddle (CallCredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian.

Use clearscore, it's free and you don't have to pay anything.

Hello Kirsty
Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly.You have helped me understand the way my wife and son must be feeling.
Gambling has come to me late in life and it started as a coping mechanism dealing with loss of job and other issues with parents health at the same time.
In the last 2 years it has made me a person i dont recognise.Lied and used my sons credit card when i had blocked my own trying to stop(i knew i would pay him back but still theft and it was almost a cry for help)
Please believe me when i say my actions were not conscious decisions to hurt my family and i feel nothing but shame and disgust at what i did.
I am now on day 28 fambling free and have finally put all blocks in place,seeing a councellor and filling my time with positive events as well as helping out at local National Trust voluntarily.
My wife has been extremely stressed and angry but cannot talk to me at present and your post has really hit home with what ive put her through.
I am fortunate we had savings and i have not put us in debt though still crazy to throw money away.
I know now that there is no instant fix having gone 9 months then lapsing 4 weeks ago and finding this site and taking all the steps has given me real hope and belief i can beat this.I just hope my wife believes it.
I wish you well for your family and hope for your husbands sake he can beat this addiction.He has to with or without you as it will still ruin his life should you decide you cannot support him.

Cynical wife wrote:

Sorry to hear what’s going on but time for a reality check: it isn’t that he “had” a “little” gambling problem, it was and still is that he has an addiction to gambling and therefore behaves accordingly. His addiction isn’t temporary, it’s permanent but he can arrest it...if that’s what he chooses to do.

Advice to you isn’t a stranger’s opinion as to whether you help him or leave him. The best advice for you is to look at the reality of your situation: you are in a relationship with a compulsive gambler. If he’s been gambling, then that involves emotional absence, lying, manipulation etc. Is this how you want to be treated? Are these the examples and life lessons that you want for your son? And what is your part in it all? What makes you think that tolerating the intolerable (as I did) is better than the alternative? If you want to make changes to a dysfunctional pattern of behaviour, then accept that it takes time.

In the short term, educate yourself about addiction and how to protect yourself financially. Find a GamAnon meeting and go regularly to learn how to take care of yourself.

Longer term, if you stop trying (in vain) to dictate what he does and move your focus over to you, if you let go of what he does or doesn’t do or thinks or doesn’t think and focus on what you allow or expect or encourage or tolerate, if you look at what you want and need and deserve, if you approach it from a position of knowing yourself and what you want, the answers become clearer. But not on Day 1, it’s a long process that takes time and meetings.

CW