Hi All
I'm new here and looking for your advice.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and he told me at the beginning that he was in debt and that he was a gambling addict. I did my research and accepted that was his past and believed him when he told me he had stopped gambling and was repaying the debt.
I live in my own house and have 2 children from a previous relationship. He lives with his parents and sharing a bedroom with his adult brother- such is the extent of his addiction on his life.
Our relationship got more serious and we spoke several times about living together, mortgages, marriage and children. We had the same future goals in mind and seemed all set to achieve what we wanted. He became a great step dad to the children.
I have just discovered that the amount of debt was bigger than he said and that he hasn't stopped gambling at all and he has never had any help or support.
I told him he needs to make a choice, gambling or me. I'm not prepared to continue as it stands and he wants me to give him a chance. I'm so worried that if I give him the chance he will relapse anyway and I'm setting up a relationship doomed to fail. Or a lifetime of no trust and me constantly checking he isn't gambling.
What would you do?
Hi budgie77 it's your choice and you need to find out more. Compulsive gambling is not cured only arrested. If you continue don't have any joint accounts. Keep your house in your name. You can have an agreement drawn up by a solicitor stating that house and everything in it is yours. Is he seeking help? Does he want to stop? It's tough isn't it, you knew he gambled and continued, same as I did 20 years ago, the thing they don't tell you is that it's a compulsion. If he is back home sharing a bedroom its a sign. He's told you the debt is more than you originally believed. It sounds like he's trying to be open but if he hasn't stopped that to me means more debt. Find out more about his finances and compulsive gambling before you decide. Call gamcare and talk to someone. Read the stories on here.
If he doesn't want to stop, he will carry on whatever he tells you. A CG is quite capable of looking a partner in the eye and lying.
If he does want to stop he will need to do everything he can to eliminate his access to cash and gambling, show you he's doing it and ask you to set passwords for things like blockers and PC's.
If you do give him a chance you will need to be on top of everything financial permanently. No joint accounts, no allowing him access to your banking or savings and no bailing him out of his debt. After several years I have just, just started to allow Mr L potential access to savings but it's a limited amount and it's in accounts I check daily. Everything else remains where he can't touch it and things will stay that way indefinitely. It's up to you to decide if you can tolerate the level of vigilance required but don't let him convince you he's cured. They can arrest the addiction but it's with them for life and they are only ever one bet away from repeating the whole cycle of disaster all over agan. Think hard about the life you and the kids want, need and deserve.
HI Budgie77, you seem to be in a very similar situation to myself but my partner lives with me, however he has no access to any accounts etc, he gives me all his money every week, which ultimately comes from his mum. I give him money whenever he wants or needs it but I have no way of knowing if what I give him is to do what he says or to just go to the bookies. I do not trust him with money at all. The money side of it is not really the issue for me .....if he wants to spend his spare cash at the bookies then there is nothing I can do about it I guess but it makes me ill constantly thinking about the whole scenario and what I got myself into being involved with him. Its so hard because on one hand they are one person who you love then they have this demon in them and I hate that side. I thought I could handle this and help him but as time goes on I realise that I can't and he doesn't want help and I get told its none of my business if he gambles. I gave my OH a chance and he blew it and now he just thinks he can do whatever he wants. I think its my own doing because I let him just get away with it and so he just thinks oh well I can just keep doing it and have no remorse. Maybe I shouldn't have let him move in and let him carry on sharing a bedroom at his parents house because then I guess it isn;t any of my business
sorry to b**t in, as the CG myself, I am so glad that I was never on the mortgage. I'm trying to recover and seek proper, professional help as I want gambling out of my life but after over 20 years of pretty solid gambling I know that I would do anything I could (legally, thankfully) to get my hands on money- twisting and bending the truth, 'skimming' money from wherever I could, food shopping, petrol etc etc and I was always convinced I could 'sort it out' - in reality I have spent 20 years lurching from one payday to another. Bolt everything down, If he is serious and wants to make it work, he will understand and will do whatever he can to get help and start looking forwards, if not - don't trust a word he says about finances, you need 100% access
and actually right now, I have set up my experian credit profile with full alerts, all of which go directly to my wife, If I miss a payment, apply for credit, she will know and I'm really happy as I removes a massive amount of temptation from my brain!
Hi Budgie77.
You need to focus and learn that a gambling addiction is one of the most powerful mind controlling adictions. It will empty a bank account and destroy a relationship as fast, if not faster than other addictions. I would say its more dangerous as compulsive gambling wastes money very quickly indeed.
Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt live with one. I know how dangerous to relationships it is. I was destroying my family and they didnt even live with me.
He needs to be ready to enter full recovery. The choice is right......Its either you or the gambling
My best advice is protect yourself and never be naive. Do not let it be a blind love because his gambling will take you down as well.
I remind you thats its an addiction so he wont just be able to click his fingers to stop. It takes all the help on offer and someone else controlling his finances.
You cant make him stop and you are in for a world of heartache if he doesnt really want to stop. Learn about the addiction because a compulsive gambler will continue to gamble away all food and housing money
My best advice is that you protect your finances...dont give him any money and dont enter any joint arrangements.Tell him that gambling is just not acceptable to you. Im sorry to say that having a relationship with a problem gambler is one of the fastest routes to homelessness and bankruptcy
Its a hard lesson but he may not be the one for you.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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