What's real?

Hi Lottie I'm so sorry to read your story, I'm shocked. My first reaction is why are you paying his debts? Unfortunately I know nothing about ccj and only minimal knowledge of what a charge on the house is. Is he still employed and off sick or just unemployed? Credit reports might show if there is more debt. I think you really need to get some professional advice. National debt line, stepchange and debt camel are all there to help. Call gamcare and get some advice, you can have counselling too. You need to safeguard your money and stop all loopholes. Get a safe to lock your cards in. Has he sought any help? Hopefully some other people will have more advice and come on later. Keep posting and asking questions. Definitely call gamcare.

Hi Lottie76.

It's good that you have joined this forum and asked for help. You don't have to cope with this alone. You have supported your partner for many years, paying his debts, taking over responsibility for finances, and now he has run up debts in your name. It's your choice whether to take action on that, but you have to realise that is fraud and it's not OK.

Depending on where you live, we may be able to offer free counselling for you and your partner, to help you cope with the situation you're in, and to help him change his gambling. There are also support groups such as GamAnon for you and Gamblers Anonymous for him. As Merry go round says, there are expert debt helplines and you can find several examples here:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/finance-and-debt-management

You titled your post 'what's real?'. I'm not sure what you meant by that, but it sounds as though this whole situation is leaving you feeling confused. Why not give us a call on the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133, or chat to us on the NetLine. It's free, and will give you a chance to talk this over without any pressure.

Keep posting and keep getting support from forum users.

Best wishes

Deirdre

Forum Admin

Thank you both for getting back to me. I do feel very alone at the minute as I don't know of anyone else in same situation as myself.i have contacted gamcare

The debt he run up in my name was 2 /3 years ago now and when he was working he was paying it back gradually. However since he has been ill and had no wage I have had to ensure these bills are still paid. I don't pay any of the debt in his name- I can't afford to. He is still employed but on long term sick.

I meant what's real because I don't actually know anymore what's the truth and what's a lie and it's so frustrating. I want to support as much as I can but am just completely drained with it all now and can't see the light. I thought after a very long stint in hospital things may change. I realise it's a long road ahead and I shouldn't expect overnight miracles but I just don't know what to do.

Hi Lottie is there a gamanon meeting near you? Realistically he probably doesn't know what the truth anymore. Sounds like he's not in a great place. None of that helps you though. Just believe what you see in black and white. Credit reports for debt. Open the post. Ask lots of questions here.

Hi

What does he say about all this? Does he want to stop gambling? If he does there's a wealth of advice and support available to him starting with this forum and continuing with counselling and GA. You don't have to be his sole prop. If he doesn't want to stop he won't and there isn't anything you can do or say to stop him. Your priority for now must be to protect yourself emotionally and financially. That will give you breathing space to assess what if anything he means to do.

You can't trust a word he says so don't unless you see cold, hard independent proof for yourself. That means access to all areas of his finances starting with his credit reports from all three agencies. All are available free from Noddle(Callcredit) Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian via MSE's Credit club and then access to every account shown on them. Check yours too. There could be more fraudulent finance taken out in your name. It's not entirely foolproof. It won't show loans from friends or family (not any kind of priority in any case) and CG's have been known to use different addresses for credit purposes but it will give you a clearer indication of the situation than you have right now.

Think hard about what you want and need. He'll be quite happy for you to do the worrying and the subbing all the time you let him. Time to put yourself and your interests first.

He says he isn't gambling anymore but I don't believe it. He hasn't shown any hard evidence to prove otherwise. He refuses to show me his bank account and I'm not allowed to look on his phone. He is constantly on his phone and if I question him he accuses me of trying to control him. I do ask lots of questions and am quite paranoid about things now so I can see his frustration with me. He has had some counselling in the past but didn't like it and now says he doesn't need help.

I do keep a close eye on my finances through credit reports and I open the post however he refuses to let me see his credit reports and insists he doesn't have to prove himself. I know he has had loans off friends and family

In the US, it’s called gaslighting, after a play in which an abusive husband dims the gas powered lights and when his wife comments that the room seems dark, he tells her that she’s imagining it. When I first googled gaslighting, I definitely related to it.

It’s crucial to know what’s real. What’s real for you is that you don’t know, that you have lost faith in your own perception. But you haven’t, haven’t lost your choices. It isn’t normal to live this way and the gambling isn’t normal. But it’s entirely possible for you to relearn how to trust yourself, to protect yourself, and to look after yourself. The starting point is to take the help that’s out there, at GamAnon or CoDA. Learning to recognise what’s real and to deal with it is key, support from others in the same position is key, changing your responses is key. It’s doable.

Move the focus onto you, take care.

CW

Hi Lottie

Agree with CW. When we live with an addict we lose our perspective and confidence in ourselves. Our "normal" is so dysfunctional but it's hard to tell as we are in the middle of it.

Please if you can seek some support through above mentioned. Real life support from other's who know what you are going through helps us to feel we are not losing our minds or a nasty ***** that just want to make the gambler's life he**..

Take care

Cathyx

I certainly have lost faith in my own perception and am currently doubting every decision I make in all aspects of life. I constantly feel I am to blame for this whole mess.

I am currently in contact with a counsellor from gamcare and we are just in process of arranging a telephone appt. unfortunately there are no accessible meetings near me.

Hi Lottie just to say, if he doesn't think he has a problem, he's in denial. Not letting you see bank accounts big red flag! In my situation my cg is bipolar 2. No access to money at all, I control all bank accounts. Cash and receipts, change to the penny. My cg did exactly same, long term sick, complete inability to mentally cope with juggling work stress and gambling. Gambling is their go to, their escape. He's probably had counselling, takes the meds, and doesn't tell anyone he's a gambler. I chose not to interfere, let him get on with counselling, meds. I knew he was lying, but the meds worked. You need to get strong and safeguard you. Telling you you're controlling him is avoidance, blame.

It's not for him to get frustrated with you. He's the one who has lied, cheated and stolen and caused the situation. The anger and accusations you are facing are standard behaviour from an addict whose addiction is under threat but none of it is your fault. Never believe that.

Decide what you want and stick to it. Keep repeating it calmly and don't be drawn or sidetracked into anything else.

Is there CoDA or Al-Anon? I find that meetings really make the difference.

Hi - there are no CodA meetings near us and I have never thought to look for Al-anon. Will look into that.

Yes Merry go round he is definitely in denial with it all. Several times I ask to prove things and he just won't. He knows i suffer with terrible anxiety and always have and quite often proving things would make it so much easier for me and then of course himself because I wouldn't be fretting. It's a huge red flag you're right but I don't know how to see the solution.

Thank you everyone- I do need to focus on myself and my children and rebuild my strength with it all its just not always easy to switch off

Suggest that you take the refusal to show you his finances as evidence of active gambling. When active, my husband was passionately defensive of his “privacy”. The question for you isn’t how to stop the gambling - you can’t because it’s not you doing it. The question for you is what to do about the effect that it’s having on your life, doing nothing being one of the options. I tried that but it wasn’t of any long term benefit all round.

As well as meetings, there’s a lot of useful literature out there, the better of which in my view comes from addicts in long term recovery. I have looked at some of the American writers of the 1980’s, can’t see that behaviour has since changed. Robin Norwood, “Women who love too much” is hard work but revealing.

If you do decide to get support to change yourself and your responses, be aware that it won’t result in instant improvement, if anything things will probably get harder short term. Addicts like to be around people who help them to stay sick, they resist changed responses that make using more uncomfortable for them. But your basic choice comes back to living as you are or doing what it takes to change your life and also to break the cycle for future generations.

Look after you.

CW