When you love a compulsive gambler :(

Hi and welcome tbh you have probably made the best decision kicking him out. Especially if he his stealing to fund his habbit
But all is not lost. He needs to show you he is committed to giving up and he's at least making changes if your are to give him another chance.
There is plenty of help out there for him to give stopping a good chance. There's a chat line here to call and a netline also there's free counselling funded through gamcare. There's also groups like ga where he can attend regular meetings that will help him overcome his addiction. But all will only be of help if he wants to stop.
The best thing you can do is look after yourself and your child.
If it means away from your partner then unfortunately that's what's best

I've used the website and given him advice and I think he is going to do something about it. He's been the doctors today but only gave him a leaflet and said fill in a depression questionnaire and hand to reception. He's that broke he can't afford pictures to exclude from the bookies and he also said he's getting a cash card so he can't spend on the net but I've heard this all before. So I don't know what to believe.
I don't want to be the gf who has to check everything that's not the life I want. He started with trust from me and I don't know where we can go from here

You can exclude from all bookies in your area in one phone call now there's a post in the overcoming section I will bump it up for you it's by Oldham ktf.
I would suggest he also hand over full financial control to you or a parent. And ask for receipts for everything. It may seem like your treating him like a child bit it's necessary for him to at least show you his commitment

He handed over financial control 2 years ago and thus didn't stop him once he got it back.
I will look at the post about exclusion and give him the info.
I just feel I'm being really hard on him but at the same time I can't afford not to be. It's just so hard to be strong

You're not being hard on him and don't let him convince you other wise. If he's committed to stopping he will be willing to do anything you ask

A few questions for you: Why is it for you to get him to stop? Why is his gambling your responsibility and not his?

And the one that I still can't answer: why don't you think that you deserve better from your relationship?

CW

Hi Jade. Well done for being here. First and foremost you need to look after yourself and your daughter. Your partner needs to have a desire to give up. I describe it as a burning desire to change his life. No lottery tickets. No bets. No raffle tickets. Ever. He needs blocks in place. Internet software to block gaming sites. He can self exclude from all bookies in your town or area in one 15 minute call. 0800 294 2060. Control his financial affairs and give him a daily lunch allowance. These blocks are a must. If he's prepared to steal cash once then he'll do it again. Bumpy road ahead, can lead to happiness. Proceed with care and I wish you well.

Well I spoke to him yesterday and he came round.
He has rang the number and they are self excluding him from all the bookies.
He's ringing some numbers that they gave from the net line as the doctor was useless and referred him to counselling but they don't deal with gambling so gave him other numbers.
He has given me his bank details and is happy for me to check all his transactions.
I really want us to work but I suppose only time will tell and he needs to find out the root cause of why he feels the need to do this. Because like before I can control it but I don't want that sort of relationship forever.

Hi Jade123

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It sounds like a worrying time for you and so it's good that you're using the forum for some support. I can see you've received a lot of useful advice and support already. We've copied your post across to the Family & Friends section as you should receive a lot of support there too from others who may have had similar experiences.

From what you have said it seems like the steps your partner had taken (e.g. limiting his access to money) were not enough to enable him to stop gambling. You mentioned that your partner has now started to take other steps to stop gambling, and that he has looked into getting help for his gambling problem. We offer free counselling, both online and face-to-face. So if he would like to know more about the counselling we offer, or to be referred, he can give us a call on the helpline or netline. Both services are open daily 8am - midnight and contact details are displayed at the top of each page on our website. You would also be very welcome to access counselling with us if you feel it would be beneficial to have some more support at the moment.

I can see that you've been really supportive but try to remember that it's also important for your partner to take responsibility for seeking help and overcoming his problem.

I hope things improve for you all very soon.

Best wishes

Laura

Jade123 wrote: I've used the website and given him advice and I think he is going to do something about it. He's been the doctors today but only gave him a leaflet and said fill in a depression questionnaire and hand to reception. He's that broke he can't afford pictures to exclude from the bookies and he also said he's getting a cash card so he can't spend on the net but I've heard this all before. So I don't know what to believe. I don't want to be the gf who has to check everything that's not the life I want. He started with trust from me and I don't know where we can go from here

Jade 123.

Its a fiver for five pictures in a booth and its the best fiver I EVER spent! even someone on the dole can pull a fiver out so dont let that be an excuse! A gambler can be in self denial for a long time and just doesnt want to stop.

Youve done the right thing but you cant put yourself through all the excuses and pain just at the moment.

Going to the doctor is a good thing and he must seek all the help. If he was stealing from you....... too right he had to go. The main reason is that he would have had you on the rollercoaster of confusion just like he started doing.

Tough love is in order and you want to see positive steps. You cant hold his hand through everything and its a deadly serious addiction and illness which works in mysterious and devious ways to fuel itself. You may well have heard it all before so only cast iron receipts and proof of action are good enough now...You must not lend any money or have joint financial liabilty with him

With openess honesty and the right help it is beatable.

I wish you all the best but please remember you arent the gambler so you must protect your quality of life at all times. He doesnt deserve you unless fully straightened out ....Im afraid its as simple as that. Gambling is so dangerous and it shreds families and relationships for breakfast

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank u for all the support and advice. I know it's not something that will change over night and that's what I need to get into my head.

He is taking positive steps and has today got in touch with gamcare for counselling which he has never done before

His new bank card will come in a couple of days and I have his banking app and he says he's happy for me have his new card too.

He's also asked work for all the overtime he can get so that he can pay for the holiday and start paying me back for what he's stolen. So who knows maybe we will still go away.

I know all these steps are a knee j**k reaction I just hope he's able to sustain the commitment to beat this. I just need to come to terms with the fact that I may have to walk away from this until he helps himself.

It's just such a shame as without the addiction he's such a loving guy and someone I could see myself being with forever.

Just a quick one when his new card comes see if he will let you open and let you scratch of the last 3 numbers on the back. Without them numbers he can't use the card online you can remember the numbers so if he needs a genuine online purchase you can do it for him.

Hi Jade.

I haven't been on here for a while and have read your post and wanted to offer something from my own personal experience.

PLEASE be very wary. I don't want to be a pessimist and P*$s all over what he has done already in terms of self exclusion, Drs, gamcare counselling and handing over financial control....I do hope this is the start of his recovery journey and it works out for you all...BUT....and I talk from experience....he HAS to follow through with attending all of his sessions, not take back control of his financial affairs and show full willingness to change and STOP for good. I fell into the trap with my husband of believing that he will attend counselling...he did...for 4 sessions, then convinced himself he had things under control in every way and refused to go again. He has handed full financial control to me but I get regular abuse verbally and mentally from him as I am a control freak, if I don't give him money I am every vile name under the sun and more and love to watch him squirm. He has now started to become more volatile as his gambling has again taken hold and he is throwing things directly at me now...luckily they miss but it is only a matter of time until something connects. I pray that I come to no physical harm. Mentally and emotionally, the damage is done. I have to add, I left him in March and took our three children and I stupidly listened to all his BS about changing for himself, me and the kids and we got back together. He is the biggest, most manipulative, nasty, son of a b***h I have ever had the misfortune to be stuck with and I won't leave again as I am petrified of the repercussions the next time round. My life would be hell.

I have had counselling, and I would highly recommend you do to as it does help you identify behaviours etc. It helped me find calm and a strong sense of self realisation with this whole mess. I no longer react to him the way I used to, which stops the children seeing me raging back at him, and inevitably, making me just as bad as him! I do not raise my voice. I talk calmly to him but am unmovable once my decision is made. He hates it and unfortunately, has made him worse. He looks at me like he hates me and sometimes I think if he lost it completely, he'd go at me more than just verbally.

I am sorry to sound like the grim reaper...I just want to warn you to be on your guard at all times, question everything, do not be bullied or manipulated into doing what he wants, do not fall for it when he blames you for everything that's wrong for him. If you feel you can survive all that, if it comes, and still love him then carry on...but if that's not how you want things to be, please walk away and never look back if it should ever start. I wish I had. Now I'm stuck.

I honestly and wholeheartedly wish you all the best of luck and happiness in the world.

Be strong

Sad x

Oldhamktf wrote:

Just a quick one when his new card comes see if he will let you open and let you scratch of the last 3 numbers on the back. Without them numbers he can't use the card online you can remember the numbers so if he needs a genuine online purchase you can do it for him.

I never even thought of that. I will do this when he gets it. And he said he's not going to open it so I will do as u have advised.

I'm Sorry to hear what you have been going through. Sadandlonely80 and have read similar stories from the people above. It has helped. To see I am not alone in all of this but at the same time it is so sad that these situations have happened and hurt so many of us. Especially when it it someone we love that is doing it.

This is last chance saloon for me and him and in my head I know this. It's very difficult because he is such a wonderful person day to day. It's just the horrible addiction he has been hiding and again something he needs to work on.

I wish it was a simple as just taking it away from him and stopping him.but in the long run he needs to realise why he is doing it and like everyone says wants to stop.

I hope he chooses to stop because I know together we could have a great relationship and up until finding out that's what I thought we had. (Obviously based on lies I now know) but without that we would be good