WHY DO THEY NOT JUST STOP

I don't think I was being personal & if it was taken as such, then apologies.
CW this was very much about my relationships working through my recovery & my biggest by far mistake & also the one I have seen cause the most destruction in others is the failure to work recovery together. The addict goes one way & the co-dependent another.
I'm not saying this is how it is for any of you but a generalised view of my experiences thus far.
I actually think you ladies do a stand up job in replying to those looking for help.
I also understand that when replying to them you are giving crisis management advice rather than longer term solutions.
I asked the questions of you because I was genuinely interested in what your experiences were of an on going life after the initial stages of repairing the devastation. Outside of the financial consequences, have things improved. Is there a life to be had living with an addict or is it one frought with mistrust & resentment?
We don't really have a diary on here that describes living with an addict in recovery, just thought one reflecting the challenges that brings from your perspectives would be of interest to those seeking hope as there have been an awful lot of posts recently advising & advocating that partner's should up & leave. You didn't, I would like to hear how as I'm sure would many

I have a diary. I don't have resentment. I go to meetings, I've had counselling. I'm far more open to change and recovery than my husband. I think you recover at different rates because you're recovering from different things. Addicts don't want emotions so struggle with looking at their defects. It's all relative. My situation will be different from others. I'm totally aware of dysfunctional relationships from childhood. I'm just dealing with today.

We don't live on a knife edge of suspicion day to day but that doesn't mean I'm going to be taken for a mug again. We have non negotiable barriers and Mr L goes to his meetings. He chooses to live here on those terms. TBH we don't discuss the issue very much at all these days. I've never been overly interested in the guts of the whys and wherefores. When it all came out I was too busy fire fighting and now I'm not prepared to do his navel gazing for him. It's his work to do in the way that works for him.

day@atime wrote: Thanks ladies, I don't really see why being aware of what lies behind addiction isn't your joint responsibility though. If my partner had a chronic life threatening illness that not only destroys them but myself & all those close to me & them, I would be availing myself of every piece of information I could lay my hands on. The stopping of the gambling isn't yours to control of course, that is your partner's responsibility to address their symptoms. But recovery is a joint project & to separate the two is a continuing cycle of the lack of honesty & real intimacy that has in many cases led many to where they are today.
Sympathy or rather empathy do not have to result in a get out of free card for the addict.
If I could ask a question?
What's the plan?
Do you continue to live on a knifedge, where no new communication skills are learnt on how you communicate with one another, is every monetary transaction treated with suspicion & terror.
Or do you go forward?
Ripping up your old dysfunctional relationship because let's face it, it sucked & starting again from scratch where you both openly communicate without the fear of condemnation.
Or is more of the same being perpetuated under a different umbrella

Excellent post.

I agree to a certain extent with what you’re saying but having been on the receiving end of major lies and betrayal and having my money stolen by a CG, I think it’s all about good choices and decisions and being a responsible person. Seriously, how did the dysfunctional relationship happen in the first place... it’s not the CG’s partner that caused the addiction...the addiction is for the CG to sort out. My CG hasn’t even started his recovery path. I’m struggling at the moment to correct the damage that has been done to me. Support can only be given to a CG when they acknowledge that they have a problem and seek the relevant supports. If the CG in my life actively sought the right supports, I would consider looking further into the cause of his addiction. All I can see at the moment is a selfish man who is financially irresponsible and dysfunctional in significant relationships. I need to prioritize myself and ensure I manage to get through this awful situation

My husband is in recovery. We have things in place so that he can’t hurt me financially if he starts gambling again and I would know pretty quickly if he did. I love him but gambling has changed our relationship for ever. It has taken away the future I thought we had. I understand at the time he couldn’t help it but and I empathise with his addiction but that is it. It has hurt me financially but worse it has hurt me and others emotionally. We didn’t have a choice, we didn’t know what was happening because he didn’t tell us. It is a massive betrayal, I am trying to get over it. I love him but my feelings towards him have changed. I have to learn how to live with that. I feel angry, sad, overwhelmed, guilty and I wish it hadn’t happened, but it did and he did it, TO US. When I went to counselling the counsellor said very much what you had posted. I don’t want to sound cruel but I really I don’t care, understanding charges nothing that happened or that will happen in the future. As others have said you have GA for that the other people there support you, they really understand, they’ve been there. We are just trying to get through one day at a time and hoping that through recovery we can make a future. We are powerless to deal with the addiction only the addict can do that. I wonder why you posted that here are you looking for forgiveness? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh and I wish you well with your recovery.

Hi, I think the posts are excellent on this thread, dan as usual so explorative with the addication and the possible ways forward for both parties. I feel Sarah has an extremely valid point, in that understanding why ? will not change what happened and it wont put the money back or put the relationship back where it was .... a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, I think most partners addicts can do without the damage in their lives, (after all most people have stuff to deal with on a daily basis whatever level that stuff is at), so understanding the addicts 'stuff' is for some 'too' much, why should they?. So for me who lost my partner over this 'stuff' I am of the mind- as yo name says dan 'a day at a time' complete and utter willpower to achieve absistence, take away one of the three gamblers needs 'time,location,money', and take the consequences of our actions (end of) we made bad choices, take yo medicine, wherever that road takes you, but involving loved ones not sure bout that, why should they have their lives turned upside down by a cg's actions. I am glad my partner chose to leave me, she deserved her happiness, the constant worry for her, will he wont he? is gone for her, she can have a happy life again. I have to face this issue on my own (albeit with the support of fellow cg's and Gamcare), but that is how it should be. Responsibility for your own actions. A day at a time

LML.