6 weeks ago I found out my boyfriend has a gambling addiction and I’m distraught. We have a house together, and a baby, and he’s racked up nearly £30k in debt. He also recently messaged other women - which he says is because of how bad the gambling was meant his head was all over the place, but obviously my trust is now gone.
He’s stopped gambling completely, and is going to counselling once a week, and I believe he genuinely wants to change.
I just don’t know how to process this and accept what it means for us - the fact he’s lied to me the last three years, and allowed me to buy a house with him and have a baby all under false pretences.
And then what it means for our future if I stay with him. All of the things we planned, another baby, moving to a bigger house, eventually getting married, all has to be pushed back until the debt is fully paid off.
Right now I’m standing by him for the sake of our family, but will I ever get to a place of acceptance? Or will I resent him forever for what he has done to me and our son.
I am really sorry to hear this has far as gambling is concerned gambling can decieve the way u are lying taking loans out etc is common however i do not agree with the cheating part this just seems to me an excuss as even non gamblier tend to do, i did everything else with my ex accept cheat their no excuss for that kind of behaviour however this is your decision everything else you could work, i took loans out even stole at my worst however for the last 8 years i improved until i had a major relapse and took a loan out since then i have managed to clear my debt and i am over 1 year gamble free
Hi Gem,
I am in a similar position to you, my boyfriend has racked up £100k worth of gambling debts, we have a baby under 1 and we’re planning to move before Christmas (we sold our house and currently living with his parents) I completely understand where you are coming from, can we forgive? I want to support him for the sake of our baby but can we trust again for that trust to possibly be broken. The thought of putting my baby through that again kills me.
@fdl3zj4ex9. Hiya Gem and sorry that you are going through this.
I can't answer your question 'Will I ever forgive' but I realise you aren't looking for someone to tell you. Only you can answer that in time.
A few points I would like to make though...
I hid my gambling from my wife for many years before coming clean I have big feelings of guilt for this however the life that we built together and the children we had were not undertaken under 'false pretences', it was all real. Though I own the issue I had gambling as my own fault 100% I also have come to know that I was ill and it needed treatment.
I just wouldn't want you to think that your whole life has with him has been a lie because he gambled. It was a secret nasty addiction that he probably compartmentalised in his own head.
However I am not defending his actions. You have every right to feel any emotion over this.
The only thing that can really answer your question is time and how he tackles his recovery. Does he give you full access to all of his finances? Is he willing to give you full control of his money? Does he pursue treatment long term and put restrictions in place to stop him gambling?
He (as I did) has to show you he is trying his hardest. Maybe when you see how he applies himself to recovery and slowly gains your trust you can answer the question that you started with.
All the best.
Hi
The recovery program is about abstainig from our addictions and obsessions.
Once we are able to abstain from unhealthy habits then we war are to start healing our pains.
Forgiving is about healing our pains.
In the recovery program I found out that I am abale to learn how to heal my pains.
Living in guilt shame regret and not being able to forgive indicates that we are nto healing our pains.
Our anger and aggression is an unhealthy reaction that is due to our pains fears and frsutrations.
It is important to understand what our emotional triggers are.
My emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness, and my boredom.
A person once said that he was a compulsive Gambler.
In my mind I thought he was another nutter.
The he explained that by being in the recovery program he found out how unhealthy he was.
I understood that by me being in the recovery program I found out how much was missing in my life.
Some people think that every rich people are successful people.
One day I met a very rich person.
I asked are you happy now you have reached your goal being a rich person.
He laughed and asked me if I thought his goal in life was to have lots of money.
He explained to me his goal in life was to be successful.
Now because he is succesful he is richer for it.
I got it.
Me being succesful is about my healthy actions and my healthy words.
I am a non religious person.
Yet in being in the recovery program I am a much healthier spirtual person.
My spirtual is very much spirtual based.
How much do I value m self today.
Have I written down my needs my wants and my goals.
How invested am I in me being a much healthier person today.
Healing Nurturing love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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