Will it get worse before it gets better?

Hi

Sorry to see this. Unfortunately as you've realised even though you're still coming to terms with what you've discovered you are going to have to be the one who steps up to the plate.

First thing is if there's anything of the loan left you must get your hands on it immediately. If he's given you control of his accounts that shouldn't be a problem but you will need to make sure he can't access anything. Next thing is you must not take out any more finance on his behalf. It's in your name and you can and very well may be left liable for it. Bailing a CG out just gives them a clean slate to carry right on. The debts are his. He can run round looking into repayment plans and figuring out a way to deal with whatever it is that's allegedly so very urgent. Be wary if he can't provide proof as to why. A gambler will look you in the eye and lie to get their hands on cash to gamble with as you've already found. Payplan and Stepchange are well regarded and free. His mother needs to be aware too that bailing him out isn't the answer. It's a natural reaction and we've probably all done it but it means he's not making the connection between action and consequence.

You can't trust a word he says so don't without seeing proof of it for yourself. You will need to establish the true extent of the debt and whether there are any secret bank accounts with credit reports from all three agencies which are all available free via Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's Credit Club. Check your own too. It's not unknown for a CG to take out loans in a partner's name.

Once you've protected the finances you have breathing space to see if he means what he says about giving up gambling. It's not a particularly good sign that he's been found out rather than coming clean of his own accord but if he means what he says he will be getting himself signed up for counselling (Gamcare offer free sessions) and getting himself along to GA meetings.

Read up ojn the addiction, get yourself some RL support from friends and family and Gamanon if you need to. Don't worry about keeping his secrets. He may want you to but it rarely ends well when we do. Put yourself and the children first. It's easy to get overwhelmed by it all but once you've protected the finances and looked to getting support the rest of it is up to him. If he doesn't want to stop he won't and you can't control that but you can minimise any further damage he can do and get support for yourself. Put you and the kids first.

Thanks Lethe

I don't yet have control of his accounts - he keeps coming up with reasons why I can't have access until next week, which is setting off alarm bells. You're right about not being able to trust him. We chatted again when he came home from work and I asked him about credit cards. He lied to me and said he had maxed 3. But I spent the hour while my youngest napped trying to find paperwork and found details of 6.

I told him that I will support him in getting help to overcome his gambling, but if he keeps lying then we won't have a marriage.

I am working all day tomorrow at the polling station (so 6:30am until gone 10pm and he will be working from home (which is dangerous). I've given him a list of things I need him to do for me if we are going to get through this, including writing down everything he owes, making an appointment to see his GP and coming clean to his mum.

I'm still in shock that someone who has been so a**l with money has got us into such a mess, but with the benefit of hindsight I'm beginning to realise that there have been warning flags for a while. I feel so stupid for not picking up on the problem earlier and so angry with him for abusing my trust and jeopardising our family.

I've been totally calm when talking about it with him because I want to make it easier for him to tell me the truth but I'm absolutely devastated by what he's done - especially the secrecy and lies. And the fact that he's being evasive when I'm questioning him about how much he actually owes and what bills are due and when. This is a msn who can usually tell you exactly how much fuel he has put in the car over a week or a month and how much it cost, so it's completely out of character. .

I tried to start a spreadsheet today of income and outgoings, but nap time wasn't long enough, so that is my priority for Friday. I will not be lending him anymore money - especially after he lied about why he needed the money before.

Ahh, the legendary 'next week' huh? Yep, he's buying time although I suspect he will be somehow justifying his actions to himself along the lines of protecting you. I also suspect he still knows exactly how much fuel he has used because that needs to be carefully balanced to free up as much money as possible with which to gamble...The gambling debt can be something quite different.

The online stuff is an alien concept to me but there is a pending time frame for 'withdrawals' which can be reversed before they hit your bank. There is much bemoaning of that on here because people seem to genuinely believe that they have only gambled it because it didn't hit their bank. The reality is that we lose track of deposits & withdrawals and as the deposits get more frequent, the withdrawals dwindle. I'm wondering if he maybe has pending withdrawals to clear down those additional cards that he hasn't told you about?

Another thing I did was drip feed my now hubby when I 1st started asking for help. He'd baulk @ the idea of a figure I plucked out of the air when in reality I'd done a number of times that. When I actually started recovery, I handed him the finances as a needs must. There's no way he could have coped with trying to take it all on so I still managed the bills but he had all my cards bar the joint account one & passwords access to all of my online accounts. It is exhausting managing someone else's money, I have to do it for my mum who is also a gambler because otherwise her bills would not get paid. Maybe he could do the spreadsheet & show you his plan of how he's going to repay his debt? As Lethe says, don't believe it unless he proves it...You'd be surprised what sorts of emergencies we can come up with when trying to get our hands on funds. I'm sure I've got a couple of Unicorns in my cupboard that I 'needed' over the years.

In our heads, it's all about the money, on yoir side, it's invariably the lies & deceit that hurt the most but it may take a while for him to process that. Most of us are very adept @ kidding others because, largely, we genuinely believe we are gonna get out of the mess we find ourselves in...You're not a fool for trusting the man who is supposed to be on your side. He's the idiot for not being completely truthful when he was busted!

I can't give you any more advice than the excellent stuff Lethe has already written & will echo it all. Decide what you will accept & don't give any ultimatums you are not prepared to carry through...He won't just stop being an addict. There's a long road ahead & things may well get worse so you must stay strong & tell anyone you feel you need to to help you through this. I wish you every strength - ODAAT

Hi again

No need to feel stupid. You're supposed to have been able to trust him although truth be told the feeling of being taken for a mug is probably one of the hardest things about the whole thing I've had to deal with. What matters now is that it doesn't happen again and yes, you may well need to step out of the comfort zone in demanding access to the things you will need to see and do both now and ongoing.

Refusing to hand over access to his accounts isn't acceptable. It's also a massive alarm bell. If he really wanted to give up that is one of the things he could do which would have an immediate effect on his ability to gamble. A list of credit cards will be a start but if you've already found three more than he admitted to there's every chance there are further lines of credit he's hiding which is why you need to establish everything for yourself.

Don't worry too much about walking on eggshells and not frightening the horses either. I did that first time round and got it thrown back in my face with the kids conned out of their savings and a doubling of the debt behind my back as a reward. After that the gloves were off. Concentrate on what you want and need for your reassurance. Keep stating it and don't be drawn into anything else. It would also be very well worth while making sure his mother knows for yourself. At the very least it dries up a potential source of further funds for gambling.

Thanks for your responses Lethe and ODAAT. I've spent the last 2 days working. I left him a list of what I needed him to do - GA meeting, list of all debts, call his mum, start transferring all DDs and accounts to me, hand over cards etc. I was really worried about him gambling while I wasn't there but I checked his browser history and it just showed him searching GA, looking for cheaper broadband and other work stuff. I know it's early days, but I am pleased he is making an effort.

His mum is away until Sunday, so I've given him a reprieve until after the weekend. I think he's worried it will get back to his nan and that he'll lose his inheritance- I told him that it will be one less temptation in the future and would it be such a massive problem if she bypassed him and put it in trust for the great grandchildren instead? He sort of agreed.

He's working his way down the list and is planning to go to GA on Tuesday. He admits he has a massive problem and agrees it's going to be a long hard road ahead but that he doesn't ever want to gamble again because if he does he knows he will lose everything.

So - together we're going to get through this. He's going to get help to overcome his addiction. He is going to pay back all his debts through hard work and not try for any quick wins and he is planning to get fitter and do more with the children. I'm going to control our finances and encourage him to enjoy a life free from gambling.

It's not going to be easy, but we're going to try and get through this and come out stronger.

I'll keep you posted

Quick update: more revelations over the weekend. Numerous credit cards all maxed plus a massive loan. He seems to think everything will be fine. We have some money in bonds that no-one can touch until next year and he is likely to get some inheritance at some point in the next few years. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the money in bonds is both of ours, it's only in his name. I'm worried that he will just use this money to gamble again to try and recoup his losses and get enough to pay back the debts. He has assured me this won't happen, but I just can't allow myself to believe him.

He says he feels so much happier, like a weight has lifted from his shoulders. I'm normally the optimistic one. But now I'm the one seeing doom and gloom and he just seems to think we'll just repay the debts and carry on our merry way. That it was just a blip.

The good news is that I have all his cards. The bad news is that I think he is expecting me to take on all the day to day expenses and bills so he can pay off his debts, which means I feel like I'm being coerced into enabling behaviour.

He's off to GA tomorrow and I'm hoping he will get a bit of a reality check.

At the moment he seems to think he had a problem, but it's over. He can't accept or admit that he has a problem (ongoing).

I just need to get the house and the bond money put in my name so the family is protected if / when it all comes crashing down again.

How can he feel so upbeat when I just see misery ahead?

Hi red rock can I just say one thing, get to the post before he does. I open everything. If you can close bank accounts. From painful experience any kind of access is a link to money.

Because we live in a dream world 🙁

You are absolutely right not to believe him...We're good enough @ convincing ourselves, don't need any encouragement! Part of my healing has come from my husband refusing to buy into any of my hairbrained schemes to control the madness.

Handing over his cards means relinquishing his finances too, not just washing his hands of family affairs...His debt so he needs to figure out a way to repay it so that he feels the consequences of his actions, not you!

Gambling feels like a financial problem because the mess we get into superceeds all the stuff we are busy escaping...Stuff I didn't & still don't even know I was running from!

He's upbeat because for a time, you knowing will mean he feels like he 'has this' & either he genuinely feels like he will never gamble again or he is 'ready' to gamble responsibly. Either way, addiction can't be fixed, only arrested & yes, hopefully he will have a wake up call @ GA although, call me a cynic, I suspect he is lining you up to tell you he doesn't need it.

Keep working on locking down the finances (I blew through all my inheritances bar the last one because I was here by then, having accepted I had a problem) but really try & get yourself to a GamAnon meeting...Us gamblers aren't keen on you loved ones laying down the law & trampling all over our dreams (read delusions) but finding the strength to stick to your guns is easier with the support of people who have walked in your shoes.

So it's been 6 weeks since I discovered my husband's gambling problem and it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me - he seems fine and much happier now.

I just don't feel like I've made any progress. He showed me his online banking and said I can look anytime, but didn't give me the logins - I will have to ask him to open the app on his phone whenever I want to see them. I had his bank card for about a week, but he took it back when he went to buy me a wedding anniversary present and never gave it back. I do, however, have his credit cards and logins for the online statements. I still haven't seen his credit reports - I think I need to set up a new email address as I used mine to get the reports in my name.

He also refused to tell his mum because it would get back to other members of the family and he'd lose any inheritance and he'd never hear the end of it. He is too ashamed of what he's done and he'd never be able to look them in the eye again. He has also sworn me to secrecy. I am not to tell a soul. If I tell a friend he'd have to leave town and never come back. He can't bear the thought of anyone knowing what he's done. Apparently at the GA meeting, they said it's up to them if and who they tell! I hate the secrecy. It makes me feel as though I've been sucked into his lying and I feel terribly alone and burdened. I can't even to to a GamAnon meeting as the nearest one is 2.5 hours drive and on the same night as his local GA meeting.

The good news is that he has been to GA pretty much every week.

He also says he hasn't gambled since I found out.

As far as he's concerned, it's over now. He will work hard to repay the debts. and he just needs to work to repay the debts. It was a silly mistake.

But I feel really lost. I no longer trust him. I'm scared he'll do it again. I am devastated by the lies and secrecy. I can have a few days where I'm ok and it just seems like a bad dream and then the reality hits me and I get angry and bitterly upset.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I have the energy to carry on as we are. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him. I don't know if I am strong enough to get us through this. I honestly don't know if our marriage will survive because I am utterly heartbroken and when I look at him now I don't see the man I fell in love with.

I'd love to know how those of you who have stayed together managed to get past the initial shock and anger to rebuild your relationships.

the trouble with a forum is we only ever hear one side... yet sadly I would only echo the previous sentiments. He is still lying to you and probably most dangerously he is still lying to himself.

The sums vary from one to another, the behaviour doesn't really.

I see so much of myself in what you have written about your husband.

I hope with all my heart I have made a more definitive step 108 days ago but only time will tell

I have done all that has been said, my wife has never gambled and fundamentaly doesn't agree with it on any level yet she has now had almost 15 years living with the aftermath of my despicable behaviour.

I have now:

Set up my credit file alerts to go to a phone that only my wife knows the pin access code of

Asked for written statements of every avenue of credit listed on my file and given them to my wife

Written down every access code for every financial thing I can access

Brought an electronic safe (£25) on which all those codes are written - only my wife knows the code to the safe and she has hidden the override key at her parents house

I have told everyone SHE wanted me to tell

Shared access to my email log in

We have stayed together because of the level of debt I lumped us in, becuase we have young children and becuase so far I have done everything I could (not just said it). Things are fraught and her trust in me is zilch, i don't know if we can actually save the relationship but I fully respect her strength on keeping things together for the children, once the debt is firmly under control we have agreed to spend some time looking at the relationship

I'm currently on the waiting list for an appiintment for CBT and actively pursuing other lines of support

The most important thing in my mind so far is that access to the credit file - which does lag by 4-6 weeks but it's hard to hide anything!

I hope you do not face much more pain or hurt

and sorry to add this but I don't know much about bonds but someone else probably does - I would assume that whilst you cant access the bonds money you can probably - with extortinate charges - borrow against the early release?

Sorry Red Rock, I know you want the loved ones to give you some hope but I have to say, alarm bells were ringing way before you got to the nonsense that he is spouting about GA. They would not advocate the secrecy & he is manipulating you into staying quiet. If you can't get to a GamAnon meeting, can you speak to the netline or organise yourself some counselling through this site? If he had given you full access to the credit reports, I would not be anywhere near as cynical but I'm sorry, he's playing you, nothing has changed & he's getting away with the lip service he is paying! You've danced to his lies for long enough (only a gambler sees inheritance ahead of all else, not that it will last once he gets his hands on it if my experience is anything to go by) & it's little wonder you are completely lost 🙁 You can't rebuild a relationship alone so until he starts showing you proof that he is working his recovery I'm sorry but you are wasting your time. What sort of a man demands his wife not seek comfort from her loved ones?!? I'm sorry for the bad language but the man is an @r*e...Any one of us gamblers here knows how lucky we are to have people like you willing to support us, it's up to us not to mug you off.

I know it sounds crazy when you won't know how to but please, keep working on finding a way to look after you - ODAAT

Congratulations on 108 days CG.

We have four young kids and I'm trying to hold it together for them.

I'm hoping we can try marriage counselling. But my first priority is getting definitive proof of the full extent of the debt and ensure my finances, the house and the children's savings are protected.

Hi Red Rock.

Ive read all of this and the alarm bells are ringing. A gambler can heave a sigh of relief is someone else is sharing the financial load but that is not a real sign of stopping.

A gambler that is ready to stop will be glad to tell you everything and ensure all control is with you.

You have to be extremely careful that you are not paying the bills so he can keep gambling. Its an extremely powerful addiction and it goes through stages where it plays for time. It works its own schemes to take pressure off but keep gambling.

The next crucial point is that there is no way he is ready for an inheritance. No small or large sums of money must go his way. absolutely none without receipts or you standing in the bank with him so seeing receipts for shirts etc. Its that serious Im afraid

Do not let your love be a blind love and rule number one is that you must protect yourself. You can help him from a position of strength not a position of weakness or meekly playing along.

Is he definately going to GA and what control do you definately have? All access to loans for him really need to be stopped.

This is not easy for you and gambling shreds relationships as if they were nothing. I just want you with your eyes open because a gambling addiction has nothing to do with love and loyalty. Its an addiction that leaves gamblers without food in the cupboards because it over-rides the love we have for ourselves never mind anyone else.

Im not saying he is inherently a bad person but the addiction is a controlling factor that will use you. He needs to fully admit to a problem and be glad he has no control over money. He cant be trusted with money until his mind heals. Even then it may always be within him and could trigger again.

You have tough decisions to make. Ive been with a gambler and I wouldnt live with one. At a very minimum I would need all control of finances and I would need to see the real signs he is ready to stop. I know what those signs are.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum