Will it get worse before it gets better?

Hi redrock glad to see you've come back, but not to hear your story. I can relate to everything and had my own moments of stupidity and madness, but no more. We've been married 18 years so I'm still hanging in there. Advice, my husband told this, he'll give you the cards then order new ones. So you need access to his accounts, change all passwords so he can't do anything without you. Better still close his accounts. Long term payment plans in his name so he has constant reminder. Proper credit reports and alerts as compulsive gambler said. Online blocking. If you can't get to a meeting call gamcare. He is thinking he can gamble because inheritance etc will come and make it better. Secrets, gambling thrives on them, he doesn't want you to tell because he's probably borrowed money. You can tell who you like they are not your secrets. My family know everything my cg is still waiting to tell his mother, I doubt he will. She knows he's a gambler but thinks it stopped 15 years ago! As for your relationship it can recover if he admits his problem and extent of debt. You can't deal with what you don't know. Taking control of finance is also paramount. It's not foolproof but it will mean your bills get paid. I manage all money, if he asks me to check accounts I do it when I want not him, when he's at work. Then I show him and transfer it all in front of him. We have petty arguments about money but tough. 50p for a coffee at work, that's it. It's hard, it's frustrating but in my experience when the person comes back, you see a difference. As others have said sounds like he's still in the midst of the panic. Keep talking

Red rock. I honestly see where you're coming from. You are are totally frustrated with your other half with his gambling exploits but feel unable to do anything about it, It's a common problem but unless he agrees to talk about it honestly and agree to a way forward, there's no hope. I wish you hope and strength.

Hey Red rock - how are things?

Sorry - I've not been about for the last couple of weeks (summer holidays).

It is red flag central here. Still no access to his finances. Still no access to credit report. Is there any way I can just access his report without him? Or is it something he has to show me / provide me with access?

We went to a marriage counselling session earlier this week. And I just came away feeling more angry than ever. He said there were problems in the marriage anyway and that's why he turned to gambling. Apparently, I became more distant and I used to be more laid back but I'm not anymore. We've got 4 young kids, I'm exhausted, I haven't had a full night's sleep in over 7 years and I really struggled with PND after the birth of our fourth child. Yet, instead of supporting me, he turned to gambling instead. I'm just repeating to myself: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it." in the hope I can keep myself sane.

He is still adamant that he hasn't gambled since I found out at the beginning of June. He suddenly seems to have money again (which he says is because he isn't spending it on gambling).

I'm so, so angry with him at the moment. I can barely look at him. And yet, he is carrying on as usual - as if nothing is wrong. Meanwhile, I have this terrible secret festering inside me.

Part of me wants to believe that it was all a terrible mistake and that he's learnt his lesson and that it will never happen again. He told the marriage counsellor he started gambling seriously 18 months ago - I'm not convinced as I'm pretty sure I saw gambling transactions on a statement dating back to 2012.

But the other, sensible part of me is saying, don't believe a word he says. I'm the one that's done all the running. I'm the one that directed him to GA. I'm the one that organised the marriage counselling. I'm the one that is constantly asking for financial information and he's the one that's doing the bare minimum just to try and keep me sweet.

At the moment, I can't see a future for us. But, at the same time, I can't see a future without him. He makes me feel like I'm completely over-reacting. But then I get a reality check and realise that he's d**n lucky I'm still with him at all.

Why can't he realise that without giving me complete access, I can't trust him? He just turned around and said all the bills are in the filing cabinet - you can see them anytime you want. But the bills aren't the issue - it's the online statements, the PayPal account and credit reports he still won't let me access. So why do I feel like I'm being the unreasonable one? Probably because I'm being manipulated - but I can't bear the thought of the man I thought of as my partner, my equal, treating me like that.

Sorry if this is really rambly. I've just got so many confused thoughts in my head and I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and the alternative - leaving him - is just a bit too scary right now. I'm a Roman Catholic, so while divorce is tolerated we're really supposed to try and forgive and work through stuff like this. I might try and chat to our priest and see if he can offer any words of wisdom. If nothing else, at least it will be an opportunity to tell someone I trust about what's been going on.

Next week I am definitely going to CAB to get info to protect my finances and also to find out how I can ensure he's not taken finance out against the house. I'm also going to try and see a solicitor to get the lie of the land on how things pan out if I was to decide to leave him.

I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. Why oh why was he so stupid?

hey, sorry to hear the turmoil is continuing.

I don't think you can do his credit reports but you can do your own which should also show anything joint

Im the CG - i can only talk from that angle - I have panicked many many times through gambling, convinced the truth would be the end of me, in reality it's the lies that almost tipped me over the edge. If he has nothing further to hide then he would show you whatever you want to see.

Until that day I personally wouldn't trust him.

just two hours ago my Wife was asking me how come I had £4 in change in my pocket, she wanted to know rhat money had come from - thats the detail knowledge of my finance she now has (i.e. that I didn't have any money so where did I get the £4 from) we have multi-thousands of debts, all caused by me and £4 is irrelavent in the grand scheme of things, only it isn't.

It hard to take for me, good job, decent wage, almost 40 and being asked why I have 4 x £1 coins in my shorts but by golly it is the absolute least thing i can do and I willingly accept this as a consequence of my actions

Hi red rock glad to hear from you. He's in denial he doesn't want you to see the real damage, he doesn't want to see it either. It's the blame game, blame you then he doesn't have to be responsible. You didn't make him gamble. I had pnd but my cg was gambling way before that, it's just an excuse. They try and make you feel like you're going mad. Swear black is white. This is all common behaviour, still lying still in denial. CAB and priest are really good ideas. Offload. One thing I did before I went to meetings was get some GA literature sent to me. I also bought a few gamcare books. You can also find out if your house is in joint names, from your credit report if a loan has been secured against the house. It's all exhausting as if you haven't got enough to do already with 4 kids. Stay strong.

I'm back. Apologies in advance for the essay. I have to have a bit of a brain dump. I've had my head buried in the sand for the past few weeks. And my biggest frustration with my husband is that he seems to be massively burying his head in the sand - ignoring the issues in the hope that they'll just disappear.

We went on holiday (luckily already paid for before everything came out). And before we went he said he hoped I wouldn't spoil it by being in a bad mood the whole time so I just tried to put everything to the back of my mind and tried to enjoy being a family and make happy memories for the kids.

However, since we've been back I've been getting really frustrated with him saying he'll do stuff I ask - like giving me access to credit reports - but then not following through. I've been torn between trying not to nag him but needing the peace of mind. Last week I'd had enough and said I was fed up of getting half stories and that it felt like he was only giving me an edited version of what he wanted me to see. There were just too many red flags. He finally admitted that there were even more loans and credit cards. But this time he was telling me everything and there would be no more lies (funnily enough that's exactly what he told me last time!)

I'm just so sick of the lies and the inaction. So now I've gone into detective mode. I managed to log into his PayPal (which he told me he'd closed down) and found lots of transactions of money coming in from a gambling site - but none coming out. I then managed to log into the gambling site and looked at his recent activity. He's stopped spending money, but he's still playing the free games. So now I'm really confused. He's not lying when he says he hasn't gambled, but he's still gone behind my back by playing these free games on the site. I don't really know what to think. It just seems very dangerous to me.

He's not been to GA for a couple of weeks either - we were on holiday and then he had man flu and then he had to take the kids swimming because I'm laid up after a foot operation. But when I've questioned him about whether he has a sponsor he's said he doesn't need one because he's got me. I can't believe that's how GA works - I have no experience of the 12 steps and I'm far too close to the damage so now I'm doubting if he's actually been since the first meeting or not.

I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously thinking of leaving him. I can't deal with the lies - he even lied about feeding the guinea pigs this week!

When I first confronted him he admitted he had a problem with gambling and appeared to be doing something about it - but the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that he's been saying and doing the bare minimum just to get me off his back.

He seems to think the debt doesn't matter because there'll be some sort of miracle and it will suddenly disappear. I'm made to feel like an inconvenience by reminding him that he owes so much money and has spent all OUR savings but because we can just about manage our mont outgoings and we still own our house it isn't an issue.

I'm so heartbroken that he continues to lie to me. I thought we were a team. I thought we'd be able to rebuild a bit of trust. I thought we would work together to tackle his addiction. But he just can't stop going behind my back.

So now I'm going to give him one more chance to hand over financial control and to sign over the house. And if he doesn't I'm saddened that I will have no option but to seek legal advice about divorce. And as a catholic- that is a massive thing for me. But I have no choice because I will not let him threaten the future security of our kids.

The thing is - he just keeps acting like everything is fine and it is so easy to get sucked into his charm. Nobody would believe the secrets he hides.

I'll keep checking in to let you know how I'm getting on. Your support means the world to me. And I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be very tough.

Hi red rock o*g I can't believe this is still going on, he's up to his neck in it. He's waiting for the bond and inheritance to bail him out. He's keeping the fire burning by playing free games. Watch the documentary that is posted on here , the thread is 'watch this if you're a slot machine addict' . It's about how the brain is trained to keep pressing the button for dopamine release. All about rigged machines, the gambler can NEVER win. I think legally you should see a solicitor if you want the house in your name. GA he should be back to, if he'd gone he would be needing a meeting. Have you told anyone? His mother, the priest, a friend? This will drive you insane trying to outwit him alone. No more chance, what is it? 3 months now since you found out? Can you call your internet provider and stop the gambling sites? Turn off the broadband? Arrange for the priest to come over? Anything to give him a taste of reality!! He's relying on the fact that you don't want a divorce to manipulate you. He's emotionally blackmailing you so you don't tell anyone. He's blaming you for being moody, don't spoil the holiday. All the things that he is doing. I'd have changed all the passwords on his accounts if I could log in. I'd move all the money. What's he going to do? If he questions you he's admitting the gambling site is still active. See how he likes it when someone steals from him. You have to be ruthless. I hope it's not worse than you already know.

It's a nightmare.

I spoke to my priest and confided in my mum, so I've been able to get some of it off my chest.

I also spoke to CAB, but they were about as helpful as a chocolate teapot and suggested I seek legal advice - so that's my next step. That and continuing with marriage counselling.

I also rang the Gamcare helpline, which was useful in terms of how I can raise these issues with my husband.

It's all a bit of a mess at the moment, but I'm gathering info about my options, which is making me feel positive that I'm taking some action and that I'll be making the right decisions in the coming weeks and months.

Hi redrock we went to CAB together years ago and the guy was a retired bank manager. o*g I thought he was going to ... I don't know, but he was so angry. He said to him 'look what you are doing to your wife!' Taught me how to list absolutely everything and how to keep a budget. Have you talked to your husband any more? I really feel for you, when they are determined and gripped in chasing there is no talking to them. I have so many memories of catching him out, standing in front of the door so he couldn't avoid me. I can't count the amount of times I've said 'do you think I'm stupid?' Be safe, good luck!