Been with my partner 11years, have 2 kids 9 and 6, mortgage. I found out in September he had about £29kcredit card debts due to gambling online. Over the summer he left his wallet behind before we went on holiday, no money to mend his car and excuses for not contributing to the bills. I only found out there was a problem by going through his coat pockets. borrowed £10k from my mum, took over managing the money and had a plan to get it paid off. He’s obviously not on board though. Doesnt want to get help. I found a wallet of his with the credit card (barclaycard)and bank card inthe other day.Post arrives from barclaycard and is quickly whisked away today. At the moment he is delaying talking to me about the finances. There is always an excuse. Has said to me he is not gambling but there is no trust after keeping it secret for so long. Fed up with his laziness and bad moods/mood swings. I’d like to help him but he doesn’t think he needs help. Feels so c**P he’s got so little respect for me. In denial about the problems. Doesn’t want me to leave but just to maintain a sham of a relationship so he can waste his cash in peace. He won’t leave the house which I have majority share in. Selfish man that only thinks of himself not the welfare of his kids. Just want to run,but I can’t because of the kids/my job and all my money is tied up in the house. Got a lot to work out. My sympathy to all family of gamblers it’s not an easy road
Dear Winnielost,
really sorry to read about your situation, it sounds quite worrying. Especially the fact that he doesn't leave when you ask him and that he decided to take over the finances. Have you spoken to your mom or any of your family and friends about what is going on? If not, I would recommend you do, it will be perhaps easier to deal with if you don't have to cope with it all by yourself.
Please call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here for some 1:1 support and advice.
Wishing you all the best,
Eva
Forum Admin
Hi winnielost. Please try not to sort his debt. It's his mess, his debt. Safeguard your finances. No joint accounts. If you sort it out he takes no responsibility. If you pay his cards he can get more credit. Money is the same as drugs to a compulsive gambler. Don't do it. Tell family and friends because he's seen you borrow from they he will think he can. He may have already borrowed from his f&f. Find a gamanon meeting. It's close to Christmas so they may not be open but there is an online meeting 8-9 Sunday nights, go to website. It's almost impossible to do this alone, get some real support. Your money is for you and your children, not his debt.
Thank you both for replying and the advice. waiting to hear from a local councillor that the helpline have referred me to. I speak to his Mum about it a lot as well as my best friend and my Mum, so I’m lucky to have support, although I get a mix of different advice about what I should do. He’s swung from being exceedingly grouchy earlier to in a fine mood, being helpful and kind. Expect it’s because I’ve given him some of his wages back into his own account to pay the debts himself (gamble a bit more). Glad I know his problem as it makes the moods more predictable! Went to get some legal advice today about the house, and it looks as though even if they were to get a charging order for the debt, me and the kids would have a home due to the percentage share I have 🙂 also hopefully I’m picking up more hours at work. His Mum is going to try and have him there for a month or two, and I really hope he’ll go and give me some space. He can’t afford to rent privately due to the debt.Still denying there is a problem and won’t talk. In denial I think. Me and his Mum were talking about driving him to a gamanon meeting (even though he won’t be happy about it) and going for support, or maybe this would be counterproductive if he’s just doing it to humour us. To any former gamblers out there, I know it is up to the gambler to make the decision to try and quit, but was there anything your loved ones did or said that influenced you to get help?
Hi Gamanon is for friends and family, GA for him. You're wasting time taking him to meetings. You need to stop worrying about him and safeguard yourself. This is probably far worse then you think and he's still playing trying to win it back. Don't give a gambler money!
Hi winnielost,
It depends so much on the individual, but he does have to do it himself. For me, I just never believed I could stop & thought I'd wasted so much of my life & was in such debt (£35 - £40k) that what was the point anyway.
GA say that you need to hit "rock bottom". That's probably true, but for me I'd had worse periods in my life through gambling, but when I stopped (and its not even 4 months) I'd just had enough. I was just really tired of it. What I did know was that I was going to commit to stopping properly and not go at in a half arsed fashion.
There was an interesting article in the Guardian the other day about general recovery from life problems.
What I took from it is that you need;
Acceptance - you need to understand that you are an addict
Hope - you need to know that you can stop, that it is possible
Resiliance - its not easy. It's hard, really hard for some.
Communication - with your partner & other addicts.
Its a process - you are never 'cured'. You keep working on it for ever.
There is also a comment below the line by someone called Sidfishes
"Show me a gambler and I'll show you a selfish b*****d and I was the most selfish of them all. In the end everyone left me to preserve their own well being and I don't blame them one bit."
Put your own and the kids needs first everytime.
You can only point him in the right direction.
Sorry to see this.
Echo the advice above. He has to want this for himself. He has to do this himself. From what you've said at the moment he doesn't and won't and there is nothing you can do or say to influence this.
You must protect your financial interests. If you can get access to credit reports to assess the true picture all the better but the minimum requirement is no access to household funds for him. There's help out there for him when he's ready. Save your energy for you and the kids.
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