(12-04-25) The day I Surrendered

Hello NeverAgain,

Thank you for sharing this reflective piece,

You describe the impact of your gambling and have great insight. Part of gambling recovery can be not just the physical changes but as you describe acceptance of what has been lost and an intention to rebuild. Peace of mind is a valuable goal that I am sure many people reading this would share. We look forward to hearing your Forum diary updates.

Wishing you well on your recovery journey,

Louise

Forum Admin

Thankyou, yes the acceptance of what has been lost over so many years is one of the hardest parts of stopping gambling completely. I believe this is because you are finally at the crossroads and that slight bit of hope of a "big win" to recoup your losses stays with the gambling and you cant take it with you. I believe this is why so many people return and have slip-ups.

So since Saturday I have been feeling a little better about my situation and have been feeling proud that I havent gambled or felt like gambling. However, today i received an email saying you have been credited 10 x £10 chips for use on roulette. When reading it I felt the nervous flutters in my stomach and said to myself I will not use it, be strong. About half an hour passed and I noticed my thoughts were consumed by this "free money" sitting an account. I told myself I should just use it and put it all on one number (just so I know I will not win) but if i did win it would be a good amount. 

I logged in and instead of putting it all on one number, which my number is 0. I decided to put it on red telling myself it has a 1x wager requirement so if it wins I can withdraw the £100 (as they take the initial stake back), and that £100 would really help out. When the ball started spinning i realised I made a huge mistake. I told myself I dont care if i dont win please just dont be zero. The ball goes a little past zero so I think FEWW, I'm in the clear, only to bounce back two or three numbers and land in the ZERO!!

I could not believe it, but now Iv had time to think, of course I can believe it. Its what happens, its the addiction trying to suck me back in. I honestly believe there is more than we will ever know to gambling, it is pure evil and part of me believes there is an evil gambling spirit that attempts to suck the life out of us and replace it with misery. Sounds crazy I know but over the 20 years or so of gambling, thats what makes the most sense.

The feeling is still painful as I'm writing this message. The only positive is that I logged straight out and didn't deposit any of my own money. If this was one week ago, I wouldn't have been this strong, but since Iv been visiting this site daily (since Sat) and made my first post, I believe this helped me walk away and made me somewhat accountable to myself. Reading other people's situations also helped, as I can relate to pretty much everything I read. 

Although today I caved a little, it could have been so much worse, and I am actually quite proud of myself for walking away.