20 years of gambling hell

Hi 

Im a 37 year old male now and I’ve been gambling for over 20 years and I don’t just mean the odd flutter I mean every single penny I come into contact with I pay the bookies wages with It.

It doesn’t matter how much or how little I've got,  I gamble like a demon possessed.

I argue with myself about why I do it, What it’s doing to me and how it’s killing me with stress.

I have done everything possible to get money to gamble.

Ive stolen, been to prison, fell out with all my family, lost tons of partners and lost children due to abortions because they can’t be with sumone like me.

I can’t hold down a job because I lose every penny as soon as I get paid and borrow all week to get to work and never pay it back.

I don’t claim benefits because as soon as I get paid it all goes with in an hour of gambling.

The list is endless so I got involved with people who do drugs and gambled all there money away which they want me in a body bag for and now they are constantly hounding my family and terrorising them by demanding money.

Im that low I’d take money out of birthday cards and sell all my family’s jewellery just to gamble it all away.

Ive used there bank cards and stole all there savings.

They’ve bailed Me out 100s of times and it never ends.

I’ve a daughter I don’t see due to my gambling.

My most recent partner left me a few days ago she’s pregnant and having to get a termination because of people going to her door demanding money.

When I mean the list is endless I could go on for hours about things I do to get money.

I’ve never paid anyone back ever, Who loaned me money if you give me money you ain’t seeing it again.

I take it with good intentions but the outcomes always the same.

The betting shop workers literally tell me I’m the reason there shops don’t close due to the amount of bets I place.

I’m running up and betting on anything that moves in a trance and  I got to the point were no matter what I win it goes back now.

I might as well not write the bet out just walk in, empty my pockets at the desk and walk out oh and I’ve tried to stop hundreds of times I’ve been to Ga been to therapy been hypnotised I’ve had people control my money for me and I’d then just borrow and they’d have to pay my debts so nothing works.

I’ve applied again today for the Gordon moody rehab it’s my 7th time applying but I’m yet to ever get in.

I really don’t see any way out anymore.

I’m a walking time bomb waiting to hand the bookmakers every penny I have.

I’ve tried mosses and self exclusion and just ended up driving up and down the country to find shops I wasn’t banned from I drove a 200 mile round trip once to lose a thousand pounds and had to rob petrol on my way home because I was running out.

I’m now what you call a born liar I lie about everything to everyone about everything to try and hide the fact I gamble so severely, I’ve used every excuse in the book now I even make the lies up of we’re the money’s gone before I’ve lost it.

I can’t go to the local shop with out coming back empty handed because I’ve lost the money and I’ll say I forgot hmmm what you’ve been out an hour went to the shop and forgot to buy anything and the money’s gone, let’s just say I don’t think that excuse has done me any favours in the past.

Anyone who knows me doesn’t trust me I don’t even trust myself why would anyone else.

How do I feel health wise exhausted, physically and mentally it’s a million times harder to live a life of lies than it is to have an honest one.

Then there’s the feelings I get when I walk away after losing every penny I owned the feeling of disparity and sickness, Then the worry hits you what do I say to people, What am I gonna do but it’s all to late by then.

One of the hardest things for me is when people blame you, Things like you’ve done this to yourself no one else, I get that that’s what it look likes but do you think I wake up in a morning and say you know what, I wanna lose all my money and feel depressed about it and lose everything that means something to you, No it’s living in hell.

So I thought I’d share sum of this with you guys maybe it relates, Maybe you’ve got some ideas, I don’t really no, I just thought I’d share it with you’s, Maybe some people might not think there in as bad a position as they first think, Who knows.

One last thing do I wanna stop let’s just say I’d sell my soul to the devil himself for as little as a year free of gambling