so I'm sat in a coffee shop second day missing from work too anghst ridden to contemplate another 8.5 hour stint with the veneer of respectability.. Today is maybe the 100th low point and I have decided I need to share it because I have been living in my thoughts too close to my silenced emotions for far too long I cannot hold it in anymore .. You see for me I was raised in the wealthy part of London in council housing but thanks to a loving mom who sacrificed her life I had no want or need that wasn't made available .. I was an A grade student who since secondary school was doing paper round and progressively in other roles and I had a penchant for spending and being generous was my trait .. Looking back at life I think the bright lights of the arcade games where I would willingly squander my paper round money was a sign of the long windy road ahead .. There are too many horror and come back stories to recant but I will share a few as unbelievable as some of them are to the ' real' us in the gambling world are all to aware of this fantasy land we inhabit ...
You see since leaving a top ten uni with a bright career ahead I had no game plan for life , I just had this gut feeling I would make it somehow someway .. When I left uni in 2005 I ended up in a series of dead end jobs not being able to get a break into the city (that's another story) and I found myself living homeless in soho after arguments with family , when I fell into the hostel world literally full of society's rejects I too subconsciously felt an outcast and avoided contact with my friends and family for what was little over 2 years moving from sofa to sofa and continuing the uni lifestyle . I rejected love , friendship and for me what started off as a simple bet in a virtual horse became an all encompassing affair.. Fast forward to 2008 after leaving numerous jobs and squandering wages weekly on horses I graduated to machines through a friend , having previously sniggered at people that played them .. Missing countless engagements , birthdays , weddings and what have you inwardly I knew I had lost the spark but outwardly I was the life and souk making friends and fleeting romances at will but I never let them into my inner sanctum .. I was mysterious but inside all I could think about was the next dopamine hit ,the next horse to romp home , the ball hitting my number on roulette fobt .. I was cognizant that this habit had taken its toll and consumed my every move and I was merely an avatar going to work to collect more chips to lose ..I kid you not I estimate i have lost 85% of my salary and some other investments , I'd even stolen from girlfriends and family , sold my belongings and possessions , I had lost all self worth ..
yet life threw me another bone and I was now earning good money fast forward to 2014 After bouncing about in shi**ty jobs . You see I am a sales man . Never had I been concerned about a basic salary as this was easily spent in under a week most times .. When I was earning 3-4k a month is when I realised money and me had a dangerous relationship .. Money was just a tool to exchange for cheap thrills and subsequently I just drifted in these jobs never seeking to excel as the fear of more money scared me to the core. I Lost all passion and interests and to this day retain a few close friends after shunning people and never wanting close relations . This dirty habit has cost me over 300k since the day I started , hopes to build a future , a reckless attitude , greedy and stingy but it is not really my essence .. I am loving I make people laugh and forget their pain but mine is such I cannot share it . I lost countless partners because my true love was myself and once again this is not me. Recently I lost 5k in four hours that was money meant to be sent to someone else aka not mine , I have lost all my wages since starting my new job where I am appreciated and valued . Today the 28th I lost a grand after being paid on the 26th . I have lost a stone and a half walking 3 miles to work daily there and back for the last 8 months, I have lost wages before lunch and come back in and smiled and went about my day but dying inside. I want to salvage my life back . I am genuinely one of the most mindful people but slowly this habit has me not care about life itself . I trudge along but I am determined to make up for lost time , let my blessings reach me , embrace life .
i feel a slight relief today as I sit in this coffee shop typing this with tears in my eyes . Anybody going through the same share your thoughts j would appreciate it
finsHi there,
I feel your pain, I too am on this journey, I have done it once before and I will do it again.
The best thing I did was ring up the central self exclusion. It’s a little bit embarrassing for some, but just drop your pride and do it for you.
Take away that window of opportunity, if you can’t get in the shop to gamble it’s so much easier to walk past. Trust me !
Find yourself a hobby, i keep myself busy in the gym, you need something to fill your time when you’d otherwise be gambling.
Maybe find someone on here to talk to when you feel like gambling. I actually enjoy gambling I just can’t control the amount I spend so I have to do this for me and my partner.
It’s easier to give up when you have support, be honest with someone and talk about your problem. They’ll respect you more for being open, also they can keep an eye on your money and spending.
I hope this helps
Hi Sonofadam,
I feel you. In fact keeping things to yourself, I can very well relate to it. I was losing money while being with my family and acting completely normal. However, on the inside I was getting choked by the spinning wheel. I kept trying to recover my losses until I pretty much emptied my bank. Internally, I feel absolutely c**P every day but it is not going to help me. I have been chasing my losses because I did not want anyone to find about my screw up. But, I eventually gave up and told my wife. Since then I have not had the same urge to gamble as I had before.
To be honest, I cannot even remember when I started, how I continued, and why did I not stop before. It is almost like I do not know that me that was there. Since I have stopped for 2 weeks now, I feel my old self again. I will suggest open up to someone you really trust and know they will stand by you. Opening up to wrong person can only make it more destructive.
At the end, do not carry a pressure of being from a top uni, it does not help and I know it very well. I have been brighter than my mates, earned more than them, but I still do not have a house of my own and they all do. I could have if I would not have thrown my money away for curing my boredom, taking my anger out, or just simply trying to make more money than what i had worked for.
I am now trying to save and see how I could earn more in a proper way. Wish you the same.
Hi guys,
Thank you both for taking the time out to reply it is appreciated. Tomsoldier I know what you mean abut opening up the wrong person , at times I feel I have left myself in a no better off situation by being so open about it but then again I wear my flaws and come what may I have an open heart the good and bad of it. I don't get down about the money as much as i do about the time and events missed..Pertaining to money it has gone beyond playing to double up , in any case your words are truthful I wish you the best on your journey and we will come out the other end and be a testimony to those that have suffered.
Elliot1212 is the central exclusion for all bookies, if so I am on the phone to them tomorrow. I have never self excluded in the past as they are in every high street so im not losing in a specific one as i only need to go a 10-15min walk max to catch the thrill...In any case I have another 25 days till pay and will try and spend each day wisely and do myself justice
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