Hi,
I need some advice on if I'm doing the right thing. My boyfriend of 4 years is a gambler. He admitted it to me and his family over a year ago. Since admitting it he asks for help goes to the groups but then says he feels ok so stops going. He will be ok for a while then he will relapse. His mum has taken full control of his bank accounts. And it seemed to be working. He started a new well paid job so we were able to save.
We brought a house at the end of last year and last month went away to Thailand for 3 weeks. Our relationship has been the best it's ever been and I thought things were fine.
In January he started gambling again. He asked his mum for money to buy clothes and exchange money for the holiday. It started with some of that money. He has spent all of his wages this month as his mum was on holiday so he went into the bank with his ID and withdrew all the money and has taken a £2000 loan out on his car. He stole bank details of an account in my name that had £2000 in that we had saved to decorate our house.
He came clean to me on Monday after his mum realise he had taken the money out if his account. He text me then left before I returned home. He attempted to take tablets to kill himself but fortunately threw them back up. I asked him to come home and talk which he did. I'm so upset we had everything we wanted and he does this again.
Every other time he has done it I've tried to be understanding and supportive but I feel he doesn't ever really feel the consequences of his actions. So I spit up with him we were both emotional wrecks and I told him I just couldn't be with him while he has this problem. I don't mean to stay spilt up with him I just wanted him to face the consequences of what he has done. Hopefully make him think twice before doing it again and to make him continue getting help not just for a little while. His family say it's working and they have never seen him in such a state. He keeps texting and calling me but I don't reply. I think it's made him realise how much he does love me. I thought maybe making him hit rock bottom would be the push he needs? Have I done the right thing?
He has been to a counselling session they have said he has the tools to stop himself gambling but he needs private sessions to come to the root cause.
I honestly do love him so much I can't imagine not being with him after 4 years I'm still crazy about him. I'm just a little bit confused as I don't want to go through this again and I know after buying a house the next thing I want is kids but how can I do that when in a instant he could bring everything crashing down around us? What can I do to help him make sure he stops? Will it help if he goes to regular groups and doesn't just stop when he thinks he feels better? His mum is now going to take all his money out of his account when he gets paid so his opportunity to gamble will be minimal. I really do want to be with him but can it work? I know he admits he has a problem is willing to get help and doesn't want to gamble. He is planning on selling his car to pay things off and then but himself a cheap car. I know this will hurt him as well because he loves his car! He says he knows if he carries on he won't survive he will loose himself. He wants me to see him tonight I initially said no but other than the gambling we have an amazing relationship and are so happy and in love. Im tempted to see him and say we can work through it. I know I need to make sure he goes to the groups and counselling and he needs to know that is a condition of us continuing our relationship.
I've had a lot of advice and opinions from people I'm close to I just thought it would be useful to get advice from people who have been in either my shoes or his
thsnk you. Sorry it is so long x
I have been in his shoes and my partner in yours. I cant comment on your relationship as that is your call but I can advise on the gambling. Taking his money will be a huge barrier to being able to gamble. And by that I mean not having the money in his account. My wages get paid into my partners account. I couldnt get to them if I wanted to. I would never use ger account though, but this is something you mentioned he has done so you would need to put extra safeguards in place. Unless he handles cash in his job he really wont be able to gamble and if he wants to stop he wont protest this. I handle cash in mine so for me it meant excluding from all betting shops within 50 miles. Its no small task but you gotta do what you gotta do.
I will add that from my experience not having money has been liberating. I am free from urges when I dont have money, they only come if I have access to cash that I could potentially gamble with.
Also if he has taken out a logbook loan against his car he wont be able to sell it until the loan is paid off. Again speaking from experience unfortunately.
Hi Daniellecarla
Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm a CG and must say from reading your story you do love your boyfriend very much and want to spend the rest of your lives together by the sounds of it ! The one thing I will say is that your boyfriend has to WANT to stop gambling and sort this horrible addiction out ! I like him have had councilling and gone to GA meetings before and then think I can do this on my own and how wrong I was. It's an addiction that will be with us for the rest of our lives unfortunately but is manageable if we WANT it to be by putting things in place !! I have lost my wife and 2 boys due to my addiction to gambling and there is not a worse feeling, my wife she says she still loves me but I'm not the person she thought I was ! I've told her if I've got a 1% chance of working things out I will fight tooth n nail to win em all back, like your boyfriend I txt my wife everyday and tell her how much I love her and ashamed and embarrassed I am for what I've done to them all. I can also relate when you say you both have being emotional wrecks as for most of the time I've done nothing but cry ! I hope you can sort things out and have a future together and it will be a bumpy road ahead in these early days but worth it in the long run and you could have a healthy relationship and long life. Hope your boyfriend can realise what he potentially could lose and gets sorted. Get in touch with the gamcare helpline and use everything open to you both.
"It's good to talk and take it one day at a time"
All the Best
Darren
Thank you for replying. His mum is taking all of his wages as soon as he gets paid and he will ask for money off her when needed and she will clarify with me to make sure that what he is saying is true. I am planning to go into my bank to ask for text alerts for if any payments are made online as he he doesn't know my PIN number so at least if he does use my card details I will know before it gets out of hand. Also I know previously he uses my money as a last resort when he has lost everything else to try and win it all back so if he can't access his money to gamble . I also feel from previous experience knowing I will get the texts alerts will be a deterrent for him. As for his car, he did say he can't sell it with the loan on it so is planning to use the bulk of his wages to pay it off so he can sell it. He is happy to hand over control of his money. I do believe he doesn't want to gamble anymore. I think he has realised what he could loose. He has said he will continue going to counselling and the groups long term. I think I am going to speak to him tonight because even after everything he's done I still hate the thought of him hurting. I am waiting to hear back for a counselling session for myself and I know he went on Wednesday and has got one again this Wednesday. Thank you again for your replies x
Hi Daniellecarla1.
Welcome to the forum. Yes the best advice I can give is that the foundation is that your finances are protected and he does not have the means to jeapardise the roof over your head or take loans out in joint names/your name
Im not saying he is bad person. I am saying its eyes wide open time and do not let this be a blind love. You will learn about gambling addiction here and see that its every bit as dangerous as a class A or alcohol addiction. In many ways its more dangerous
His money wil need to be controlled by others and its essential that he is happy to accept that. He should find it a sense of relief so if he rails against it in any way its a sign that the addiction is showing its grip.
Its not about treating him like a baby. It about saving his life and the quality of life for all those around him
It can be beaten but you must both continue to learn about the addiction and its power. I have been a compulsive gambler and I am never complacent.
Its firmly linked to stress depression and not coping with certain aspects of life. There is no shame in the gambler admitting that. Some people seem to have everything...a loving girlfriend and enough possessions but the mind can play tricks and sweep all that aside as if it was nothing. Its a complex addiction where the need for the feeling or the fix overides everything else . Its so complex and it the root cause can be several things working together. It needs to come out in counselling. I was giving up on life. I thought I was semi ok but I was actually clinically depressed to a point where I neded medical help and signing off work or looking for work.
I was actually self destructing and as an escape gambler, my gambling was in a large part was a cry for help. I was hiding from stress by trance gambling which was actually destroying me. Thats how mixed up and indeed ill the mind gets. Sure the money played a part but I must have known it was a losers game and something else was driving me
Relapses can happen at any time until the mind heals. Im afraid you will he to see all bills are being paid and I see he he has a history of getting money in various ways. There is no room for half measures and there may have to be a marker placed on his file so no credit can be taken out
So you can help him greatly but you need to be strong, informed and have your eyes wide open. You may need counselling yourself because this is no easy task.
This can be beaten. I've been gamble free for over a year now and its a great feeling. I've been able to afford things easily and its a whole new life. More than that, I've got my self respect and dignity back
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi,
My husband is a CG and I found out the hard way. Much as you may love him, is this how you want to spend your life? And is this how you want an equal life partner to treat you? You're not his mother. And is this all you deserve? What about your hopes and dreams?
If he wants to gamble then he will. Using log book loans, your money, possibly your credit and whatever he can get his hands on if he's desperate. As you've found out, whatever barriers you put between him and gambling will be overcome if he chooses to overcome them.
Conversely, he can choose to overcome the addiction. He has want to overcome the addiction and he has to be prepared to do what it takes. Meetings, barriers, counselling, personal growth. You can't do it for him. And it's long term, over a lifetime. Its not stable or helpful for you to go, come back a week later because he's making the right noises, then go again because what he does doesn't match what he says, then repeat. The standard advice is to avoid ultimatums unless you are fully prepared to follow it through.
Keep the focus on you, the only person who can save him from himself is him. Look after you, protect your finances, get help and advice for you from GC counselling or via GamAnon.
CW
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