Another Day 1 begins

Where do I begin? 

Firstly, I have been here before. I am not sure I really was determined to quit, ever. I just needed to sort out my finances and give myself some breathing space. I have never made a concerted effort to quit, merely to gamble to more managable levels. 

Why am I here today then? I don't know. But I think I need to find the answer to strengthen my resolve to quit. Through documenting my own thoughts I may find some answers. I have been in worse situations financially and I have had worse losing sessions. I have been under greater stress and pressure than I am in right now. In the past I have lost my whole month's wages a minute after it reaching my bank account with no credit available. Nothing of value to sell. But still needing to find money to pay for petrol, train fares, food, bills, rent, debt interest. I don't know what I did but I somehow was able to survive through those desperate situations. During this period I have been managed to become all square financially and in the black although I think this literally lasted under a month. Although I am not sinking as fast, I find that I am treading water each month. 

It is Christmas and thankfully I have everything sorted. I get paid tomorrow but this will only reduce my overdraft rather than leaving me in the black. I guess I am disappointed with myself as I will be starting the new year in a bad position. I got given a huge Christmas bonus in cash yesterday but that all disappeared before lunchtime. I don't feel the great despair of being punched in the gut. Rather I feel rather numb. Part of me is concerned that at 1am tonight I will try to claw back some of those losses and start off the month 'even'.

I went on a date with someone I have known a while this week and will be seeing her over Christmas. It gives me a bit of anxiety and I feel a bit pressured. Being with someone means needing to be more responsible. There is commitment and transparency involved. I have decided not to share my addiction with her at this moment. But any adverse affects from gambling will invariably filter through. If I gamble, it will be to the detriment of my own personal relationships. I feel this with my own family. I isolate myself from friends too and it has become part of my personality now. I feel like a failure and am afraid of being exposed. Gambling gives a false hope that we can become someone else. After a win, we sometimes get a little spring in our step. I have been given so many chances after big wins and unexpected windfalls such as my work bonus which I really could use. But I fritter it all away. The numbness takes over, avoiding having to face the reality. It feels like I have further to fall should I continue to gamble. The gambler in me sees stopping as an end to opportunities to dig myself out with a win. The road to recovery is long and hard. I guess I will just need to make the decision to stop. Easier said than done though. 

A tiny fraction of me was enthusiastic about writing this post as it meant I was heading somewhere new. But my brain then shuts down and I am left with numbness again. But day one is nearly over. The determined feeling to stop and change is not there yet, rather mixed feelings exist. But I will have to go into this one day at a time. Day two to follow in the diary thread...