Hello
I have no idea why I gamble. I hate to gamble.
I was never a big gambler. Then, around 5 years ago I started to bet online. I became stupid and bet more than I could afford. I had a 3 year old autistic son so why was I betting and not taking care of him better? I started to go silly, betting more and more. I changed in myself as well. My wife noticed and in the end it all came out. This was early 2014. I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with depression that I still use medication for now. I was also diagnosed with severe thought absed OCD, a condition I had had since as child and had not known. I had always just thought that I was strange. I was also considered to be borderline ASD. I was ashamed of everything and with the help of CBT therapy I began to get a grip on things.
I stopped gambling. Not one bet from that early 2014 until June this year. My wife had a huge heart attack and cardiac arrest. I found her having a fit, and I also saw her slump lifeless. I did CPR until the medical team arrived. They worked on her for over an hour and she later that day went onto an ICU unit. It was all touch and go, they were worried she may not survive, and about the time she was worked on as it may have caused brain damage. I could not sleep, I had nightmares. After putting the little guy to bed each evening I would drink in the hope of sleeping. I still could not sleep. I started looking at the internet and like a complete idiot I joined a bingo website. Then I started gambling again. I was disgusted by myself but thought "I will just do it until she recovers" of course, I was now trapped again. My wife did pull through and for the record she is doing amazing and almost fully recovered. I could not be a man and tell her what I had done as I did not want to lay it on her after what she had been through. I have just kept gambling until yesterday when it was found out. I have now ruined our lives again. Why am I doing this when I know it is wrong? Yes, I was in a bad place when my wife became ill, but that is no excuse. I know it is wrong and my boy needs my help not me going stupid again.
I was so happy when I did not agmble. I do not even enjoy it. I just wonder how I can be so stupid?
I have talked to someone at Gamcare and someone will ring me in the next few days as they are going to make an appointment for me for counselling.
My wife is angry at me and I do not blame her. This will probably end everything. She was too good taking me back last time and she cannot keep going through this, nor can our boy. I just wonder if this will ever leave me or not? I just hate it so much.
Sorry to rant on here, I just want to try and and rid myself (again) of the gambling.
It sounds like you used gambling as a form of escapism, this is common among CG's. Sometimes when faced with a difficult situation (which you no doubt were) we don't want to deal with the issues at hand and just want to escape into a world of fantasy for a while. For some it's alcohol, drugs, over-eating etc., for us it's gambling.
Hopefully you get the counselling sorted soon as you have a lot to talk about. Gambling was a consequence of the distress in your life at the time and not something you necessarily wanted to do. I used gambling as a form of escapism in the past too so can relate to a degree. One thing I can say is even though the gambling takes our minds elsewhere and gives a reprieve from our problems for a while they will still be there when the fog lifts when we're done. The problems are actually compounded by adding the gambling, lies, deceit and financial implications so it's actually like self-harming in a way.
You were going well in recovery before, this is a blip. Get back on the wagon, talk about your problems (not just gambling) with family/friends and professionals. We can't do this alone.
All the best
Thank you Sam.
This it it. It does cause more problems when the fog lifts.
I never enjoy the gambling or want to do it. I have no idea why I did ita gain when I know it is wrong. The escapism does make sense, though I cannot go blaming my mental health conditions when I know what I am doing is wrong.
Totally agree Ant. I am very much for taking personal responsibility and not blaming others or certain things. Right now you need to get as much support as you can starting with your gambling problem. GA (Gamblers Anonymous) is an excellent support network. It's much like counselling only with more people and they are all in the same boat so will be able to relate to your story in a way non-CG's can not. I've been attending for almost 16 months now and it helps me with all aspects of my life not just gambling.
When you are faced with a difficult or distressing situation in future (which you no doubt will be) then look for support from others instead of turning to gambling. Talk to someone, anyone and do what is necessary to stay away from a bet. Life will be better without gambling in it, you know this as well as I do
short update. Gamcare put me in touch with a counsellor and I have had a session with them. I have not gambled for over a week and have no intention to either. Now this is what gets me? why when I am found out do I find it a relief and just stop gambling? Why can I not do that all of the time? The docs think I may be Bipolar 2 and want me to see a psychiatrist. Of course I am willing to do anything taht will help me.
My wife has had enough and says we are finished for good. She even went and sold her wedding rings. I cannot blame her, why should she keep putting up with it? Though I am heartbroken and cannot believe I have messed up something so special. I have no idea what life will be without her in it and that scares me.
I am determined to keep going and beat this. I just feel so alone and ashamed.
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