Where do I start? I've been a gambler since I stopped drinking around 24 years ago ... I jumped from one addiction to another! I have a bit of an eating disorder too, but one thing at a time.
I am very fortunate in that I have a wonderful job in nursing, fantastic colleagues, a handful of good friends and three great sisters. I have my own home (with mortgage) and some lovely neighbours. From the outside looking in, people might think I've got it made. Compared to an awful lot of people, I acknowledge I have.
Then why do I keep doing what I keep doing? Gambling uncontrollably? Spending (wasting) around £17,000 in the last 6 months. I say 'around' because I am too scared to add up the true amount ... Don't get me wrong, I'm not well off. I've had a loan of £7,000, cashed in some shares I was given and cashed in an endowment policy and worked numerous extra shifts to fund my habit. But it's making me ill. I feel so depressed that I've felt like topping myself. I feel so ashamed and disgusted at myself. How could I? I sponsor a little boy in Africa, giving £15 a month, and £5 to WaterAid ... big deal!! How much more I could have done for those in need with all that money I've wasted. I know when I stopped drinking, someone said it's when it's costing you more than money then you really need to do something. Well it is. I don't respect myself anymore. I disgust myself.
Today I've put a permanent exclusion on myself from online gambling sites and I'm going to look at adding software people have mentioned. But I am so scared. Is that stupid? I need to start being true to myself ... I feel I'm living a lie at the moment and feel so alone. This sites looks so supportive and hope some can help me. I'm too ashamed to speak to my family or friends about how I'm feeling. Sorry I've rambled on.
I really feel for you and can understand where you're coming from. I wish you the best of luck. I have found it hard and the only way I was successful in the early days was to put anything that I could access sites on out of bounds (I used to leave it at work). The software was good but found myself uninstalling at one low moment and excluding was brilliant but sometimes found a new site. The other thing that helped was to keep my last credit card statement, as shaming as it was, and look at it when I felt the urge. The best thing for me would have been to confided in someone but I wasn't able to. It's a really hard fight BUT it is worth it. Good luck
Hi JustOneMore,
Welcome to the Forum. It sounds like you are being too harsh on yourself. Try to be kind to yourself, and understand that you have developed this addiction for a reason you may not be aware of at the moment. You managed to overcome alcohol addiction, so you can do this too, one step at a time.
We offer a lot of support, including face-to-face counselling. It may help you to start opening up about what you are going through to a professional who would not judge you and help you make sense of this behaviour.
You will need a lot of support to overcome this, so be patient with yourself and get the right help. Our lines our open from 8am until midnight, seven days a week. Why don't you get in touch and speak to one of our friendly advisers? Our freephone number is 0808 8020 133. Alternatively, you can use the Netline:
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline/
All the best,
Ana
Thanks T2c and Ana. I really do appreciate your responses. I know where you are coming from about leaving devices to access the website at work. Unfortunately i tend to use my phone for gambling websites so impossible as this would also cut off my lifeline to this website. I like the idea of keeping the credit card statement, although at the moment i can't even bring myself to look at it at the moment. Maybe next week. I hope you are doing OK yourself. I wish I had accessed this site earlier. Day 1 almost completed!! Work tomorrow so hopefully this will give me something else to think about.
Hi JustOneMore - You are definitely not alone in your struggle - we are all here to support you and each other. And you should definitely not be so hard on yourself - as a nurse you are one of the most worthwhile people in society. This awful gambling secret which we often keep to ourselves is soul-destroying and demoralising, but you must remember that often gambling lulls us into believing that we are having fun and escaping from whatever it is that is causing us stress, boredom etc.
We all know now that it simply causes us more problems. So well done for realising this and making a fresh start to a saner and happier life - you can do it, and you'll find loads of advice and support here.
Best wishes,
Joanna
Hi there Justonemore, funny enough my user name for online bingo sites use to be onlyonce. I too am a gambler, a female and surrounded by people who love me, and life looks very good from the outside. If i put my mind to things i can and have been very successful in life, but I hide a pain that i carry and instead of enjoying the things in life I am reminded of how much of a fool I have been with gambling. Two days ago, I hit rock bottom, again. No one will lend us money (credit cards etc), the payday loans are coming out of my ears, and it's not me that's just paying for them it's my husband. It has been like this for years. I'm sure you feel as shocked at your own decline into this quiet and deadly disease, I feel like it is an illness. It's lonely, I understand, because you dare not tell anyone for fear of them being shocked, or that you are irresponsible and sullied. I won't tell the loved ones in my life about my problem, i think it will hurt them to know. I plan on getting better, slowly but surely and in confidence that we can both get better together. I don't know you, but I know how it feels, to want to smash your head against something because of the things you do when gambling, and the frightening feeling when you attempt to quantify how much money you spend. I am going to make an effort to post on here, I would like to know how you are getting on, and perhaps we can make each other feel better by talking about our day. Dale Carnegie said "live in day tight compartments", I suppose, as a gambler or recovering gambler as I would like to be known as, then all we can do is take one day at a time, without thinking or fearing what will come next. I'm looking forward the day when gambling and owing money isn't a problem, this is my goal. I can't put a date on it, it's too early to see that far, but if I work towards this day by day, for the sake of my 8 week old son, my husband and for myself, then I will be more proud of myself than if I ever became Prime Minister 😉 I would like to know how you feel about this. My real name is Helen.
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