Broken & Lost

I am a gambler. I am compulsive. I hide my spending but I chase addictive needs.  I last spent money gambling yesterday. I thought I had my gambling under control, I stopped myself after losing £1000s online sports betting but then started going to casino's. I stopped that realising I was never really winning to get back into online gambling again losing thousands.  I stopped myself and blocked myself from most service online and picked up online RPG gaming. Before I knew it I was pounding money into online gaming "To be the best" paying for 5% chances to upgrade equipment literally £150 for a 5% chance over and over and over.  My wife has worked extra shifts to pull us out of financial hardship whilst I've been spending off my credit card the whole time. When I stopped myself spending in the game I started to buy crypto coins chasing that dream. Today I sit here a broken and lost man.  My wife and family have now found out the amount I've been spending. We already did TWO remortgages to get finances back straight.  My wife's left yesterday I don't know if she will return. I love them so much that's never in question. The last message received from her was "I don't have the space for your self pity".  That hurt but I can't argue it. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't understand why I even do it. But time after time I can't help myself but spend money I don't have to chase bigger and better.  I called in sick in work so it's also affected my day job. I've no idea if my wife will ever give me a chance after she ALREADY gave me two. I'm a joke. I'm worthless and she's right nobody needs to here the self pity really. I'm sorry. 

I've reached out to beacon for 121 support. I've booked in for a regular Tuesday gamblers annonymus meeting from next week. I've sold everything I could online to get some cash back to pay off some debt.  I've reached out to my GP. 

I can't think what more I can do but I feel an overwhelming shame and need to stop this.

Wednesday 21st January is day 1 without a gamble.