cancelling wedding

Hi Kd123

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forums.

Firstly, how bitterly disappointed you must be. Not only because of the money that's been spent - it could have benefitted you both so much - but, much more importantly, the breach of trust; this isn't the first time. It's all very well him suggesting you visit counselling with him, his olive branch, having, I presume, been caught or had no choice but to confess - but is it enough?

A compulsive gambler, by nature, possesses some unfortunate attributes, and I know this because I am one, albeit a recovering compulsive gambler, currently 4 months gambling free. Those attributes include being sneaky, lying and a general disregard for others because of the addiction; it leads to self-loathing and guilt (but the damage is done). A compulsive gambler isn't necessarily a 'bad' person, in fact, more often than not, there's a 'good' person inside who is often desperate to escape his or her's personal "hell" (especially after losses).

When you first, 3 1/2 years ago, discovered about your partner's gambling, you took over his finances. I assume that, after a while, things were getting 'back to normal' and so financial control was handed back to him. This is a classic reaction, but, sadly, a classic mistake. Regretably, and others may disagree, the gambling 'devil', sitting on the compulsive gambler's shoulder, never really goes away and, without a solid backup plan in place, the gambling can return.

All it can take is some trigger, some event, some lame 'excuse' even, and the gambling returns. Counselling and visits to GA etc. can make a big difference but ultimately it comes down to the individual, his/her's support network and, critically, the practical restrictions put in place.

Here, perhaps, his trigger might be because you have found out you'll need IVF in order to have the child that you would both love to have. However, him resorting to gambling is not the answer. For compulsive gamblers, it can never be the answer.

So, here you are today and you are naturally very upset, bewildered even, wondering where to go from here. One things for certain; handing back financial control didn't work; it has to be an "all or nothing" approach where you permanently take control - for ever - with a very disciplined approached too. You have learned, and he must realise, that him having financial control is a no-go. But this is just a practical consideration.

What matters more, much more, is the issue of trust. Is the kind of man you can marry, and share your life with forever? Does he really think you going to counselling with him is enough? It's not as simple as this. Does he really want to stop? Can he see what this is doing to do? Is there some underlying reason, that you're perhaps not aware of, that's the reason for this (not just this time, but last time?). A calm, honest, heart-to-heart meeting is the very least he owes you.

Living with a compulsive gambler isn't easy - I know, I am one (recovering). In my situation, my wife controls my finances to a very tight degree. It has to be forever. I accept, am getting used to, and can see the benefits of, this approach. There is no other way, and I wonder, if this would suit your circumstance.

But I re-itterate. It's much more than this; this is your future, your life and your happiness. You need to look into your potential husband's eye and see if he gets it, if he understands, and if he will really focus, more than ever, "this time". This could be the breaking of you; or it could be the making of you.

But I won't 'guild the lily' here ... this is for life. It requires a lifetime plan. If the plan is stuck to, you'll have a much better life.

I hope this helps; just a view. You'll get others! I wish you all the best.

Mixer

Hi kd123, I'm so sorry to see you here with all this and your other problems (if that wasn't enough!). You have an advantage, you know. This is not a personal thing, he didn't do it to hurt anyone and it is not your fault. It's his coping mechanism, his 'go to' when there's a crisis. Unfortunately last time he didn't realise the problem. Handing over finances is great but as I know from experience it doesn't work for everyone. Now to me handing over finance means forever, everything, no access, no cards. Only money for a specific thing, change and receipts to the penny. But reality is if a compulsive gambler wants to gamble they will. We cannot stop them, we can only offer support. No bailouts, no payment of their debt. My cg goes to GA and has no money it's the only way for him. I go to gamanon. You are obviously and understandably very upset. You can have counselling from gamcare, you don't have to go together but you can if you want to. I personally think GA is best especially as this is ongoing. You can go to gamanon and talk to relatives and wives, girlfriends of gamblers and see real people who are living with compulsive gamblers. If you take control and he is honest and abstains from gambling you can have a good life. The biggest step is him admitting it's a problem. He then needs to actively seek help and put in place all barriers. The money is gone and they can't win it back. A compulsive gambler is not a bad person they are taken over by addiction. Find out what you can, seek advice, call the helpline. When you have all the information then you can make an informed choice.

Sorry to hear what’s happening, not a nice club to join.

The answers to your present situation lie with you and not with your partner. You can’t stop gambling because it’s not you gambling in the first place. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. But you have choices about how you live your life. The way forward for you is to take ownership of your life and the choices that you make.

The gambling isn’t going to go away, the compulsion to gamble is an addiction, it’s progressive and each outbreak will be worse, with more being lost faster. At all times, the basic problem remains the urge to use (place a bet) and the financial consequences are exactly those - consequences. Addressing the money and ignoring the addiction is futile but many make the mistake of focusing on the debts, because emotionally that’s easier. Addiction can be arrested by the efforts of the addict to change his or her own life, best achieved by attending Gamblers Anonymous and working a recovery program. Not an overnight fix but rather a lifetime’s work. And it is each person for themselves, you can’t sort him out.

Keep your focus on you. Get help not to stop him from gambling but to deal with the effects that he’s having on you. Best is via GamAnon or CoDA, go to meetings to learn how to look after yourself.

re couple’s counselling, be wary. Active addicts are v manipulative and you may find yourself being blamed for his problems whilst he stays in denial. Better to wait until you both have some degree of recovery before you make any attempt to recover the relationship.

Take care,

CW

Thankyou everyone it's so helpful to know that there are people out there to talk to, my parents see it as totally black and white you can't trust him you can't be with him. But it's not that easy. We have been through so much in 5 years, Ive decided to go to the councelling with him, it might help me get my head around this all a little more. He has also given me his bank card bank statements etc.

You have all made me realise it's not that I wasn't enough for him to stop it's a problem he has. He is going to go to gambling anonymous and although I don't feel I can marry him I don't want to give up totally. He is a lovely person who has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life, whether we stay together or not I can't give up on him yet.

Great, the counseling and time will give you greater clarity so that in the future you don't wonder what could have happened... since you love each other so much. All the best.