Dark day has arrived

Hi nev, sorry to hear this. Some partners can't handle the devastation. Unfortunately you never know whether gambling is the cause or if this would happen anyway. Life is tough. But you need to stay on track. Stay focused on your recovery. That is what is most important. Gamble free is a good life. There will be many other things in life to enjoy and many difficulties to overcome. Learn from your mistakes. A breakup is devastating and I'm saddened to see another relationship destroyed. I was reading a diary yesterday of the same. Keep moving forward, good luck!

Hi merry go round

Thankyou for your reply. I just cannot come to terms that it's over. 5 years together and now gone in the past 4 months since it all came out. I'm begging her for a chance to put things right which I am fully focused on. I will beat it no doubt about it. She said she's not in love with me anymore and says that it hasn't been right for a time before my confession came out. So maybe it wasn't just the gambling. I'm so hurt right now and don't know which way to turn in that sense but it hasn't faulteted my determination to beat the bug. I don't think it will happen but I'm hoping she will see what I'm doing and possibly change her mind. I guess my biggest downfall is that I can't help feeling down more than feeling up, I need to stay positive but it's much harder to do than just by saying it to myself.

Thankyou

Nev

Hi NevetsEgdelloc,

As the previous poster wrote Life is Tough, relationship break ups are never easy especially after several years of being together. As much as it hurts you have to listen to what she is telling you and take it at face value. I know its not what you want to hear but given time you will move on and eventually find someone new. Like your gambling addiction there is no quick fix, us compulsive/additcve people usually in times of stress like this turn to our escapisim of alcohol, gambling or whatever our drug of choice is. But thats not the answer, in fact it only makes things even worse as we pity ourselves and feel worthless.
In fairness you sound like you know you need to confront this gambling problem. This will also help heal your pain from your relationship break up, as it will make you a better person but it will take time and dedication. There are no quick fixes.

A gambler who is gambling isn't "there" emotionally and the f&f do notice.

She can't prop you up, if you're seeking recovery then it's down to you to sort yourself out and you have to fix yourself. She can't do it for you.

CW

Joe-90.

Thankyou for your reply. I know I am doing everything I possible can to beat this. Not just for those around me but for myself also. I know I can become a better person for it. It's the just trying to stay positive that's a big problem but I woke up today feeling better. I need to stay active and then the people close to me will eventually see the change.

Cynical wife

Thankyou also for your reply. I get that now as she told me that herself. I am doing it on my own, I know I don't need or want sympathy for what I've been through. I will fix this and repair myself. Onwards and upwards to tomorrow, then the next day and day after that

Nev

It's easy to give advice but I can see how painful this must be for you. Taking gambling out of the equation for a moment, you have been together a long time and it is natural for you to feel down and lost, anyone would. I guess you will never know if it was your addiction that caused the break up but it is better to find out now than have her stay with you for the wrong reasons. It must be an awful blow after reaching a brilliant 81 gf days but you sound very focused and determined. There will be many things that test you on your path to recovery but prove to yourself that no matter what happens you will not give in.

As much as this hurts don't let it derail your recovery. Stay focused and look to the future.

I wish you all the best!!

Hi Goodbye my husband

Thankyou for your reply. I get what you say, take the gambling out of the equation. She told me it wasn't right before all this came out because I was an active gambler in my own little world. Maybe I didn't pay her much attention while I was active. But you are right, I am focused and I will not fall back in no matter what happens. She fell out of love with me, is it possible that she could fall back in love with me?? Maybe, maybe not. I do hope she could one day though. Thanks

Nev

Hi nev tough time in your life at the moment but stay focused, stay strong, be determined, think positive about you. Take a hobby up something you have never tryed take your mind of not only your gambling but your relationship. It's unfortunate how we destroy things as gamblers and don't see it while we are playing away the hours until we wake up and smell reality and come to terms with our losses and what we have done then we are in a real bad place worse than being caught, or owning up, as we have to realise how much we have lost, owed, and how it's affecting our nearest and dearest then work hard!!! At rebuilding life's. She may come round nev you never know, but do not hang to to that. One day when you least expect it new life will begin and hopefully you can start it gamble free. I've been very fortunate my relationship has survived just and I'm a new woman since I got caught then came clean. I will never go back to them dark days because these light days are far far more exciting.. Put her out your mind for now focus on you, good luck nev .. Red X

Hi Red

Thanks for your reply. Everything you say there I relate to, being caught and coming clean. It was a huge lift off my shoulders at that moment. I am hoping she may come round eventually but like you say I cannot just hold on to that, I've got to sort myself out first and stay positive throughout and not get complacent. I'm now 84 days gf and loving the gamble free life. In fact I enjoy coming on here watching the day ticker go up and up. I refuse all out to let it reset. I have no urges and can I'm confident in myself to not fall in that hole again. But I need to prove to my friends and loved ones through physical choices I make. Red, I'm so happy for you that your relationship has survived. What was the general feelings like between you two as it was going on, my partner asked me, if it was the other way round would I forgive her? My answer was I'd be hurt, upset, all the things she's going through but YES I would forgive her no doubt, cos I thought our foundations were stronger and the bond was stronger to make it through this. Thanks Red

Nev

Our dark times lasted agessss not only was we going through what I had done, but we also had massive family issues to deal with, my partner had a cancer scare, I nearly set fire to the house (not intentionally) our car died and needed replacing, so what we went through at that time all them days ago I'm surprised any of us made it out alive let alone together. Everyday is a building day for us, the trust in money won't come back for a very long time but I'm happy with my allowance each week, he's happy in control so we both happier. We had ups and downs in the 1st few months but talked about everything openly and honestly. Your right about foundations obviously hers Arnt what you thought and like other has said it may be more deeper than your gambling and was a perfect excuse etc. I like visiting for the timer aswell lol, i tell everyone I havnt seen for a while how long it is be proud nev that timer is like a trophy to me 1st place everyday Red x

Red

Thanks again for your reply. Very touching, sounds like you both went through the mill big time I'm sorry to hear that but I'm pleased you are working through it. I just don't get how after 5 years together that there is no feelings after a matter of a couple of month, it has got to be more to it, just a few weeks ago after a night out she told me her ex boyfriend was getting together with one of her friends, a friend she was really close too but doesn't see her that often, I thought it was a bit strange and asked would it bother her if she ran into them, she said no not at all I'm happy with you so if they can be happy together then so be it, it lifted my spirit a lot, then now to have no feelings at all makes my head spin. Maybe there is more to it, maybe it's fear of always looking over her shoulder thinking what I'm doing, am I gambling again, like you say money trust will be a problem for a long while but I know for a fact I will not fall back into that ever!! It's just getting through to her that I won't. Anyway sorry to ramble on but I'm nev, I WAS a compulsive gambler, I take responsibility for my actions and will not get complacent. Onto another day gf and a better future either with her or on my own. Staying positive

Nev

That's the attitude you need nev... The line at the bottom with or without her staying positive... We women blow hot and cold and tell you men things we think you want to hear and boy we can lie lol, I was married for 20 years and I fell out of love not overnight but my X husband must of thought what you are. " how can she fall,out of love just like that" well I didn't but he didn't realise because I hid it well until I couldn't hide it anymore so to him it felt like how you are felling "just like that" but in reality it was ages.. Don't oppoligise for rambling on nev this site is for you to express anything you bloody well wish as many words as you desire or as few.. People don't have to read but if it helps in your recovery then do it.. Stay positive this site helped me tremendously in the early days but ultimately it lies with you... Red x

Red

Thanks again for your words. I actually enjoy coming on here for other people's views. I've sort of gotten to know people through here if you get what I mean such as yourself. Words of encouragement and advice is so important in our recovery. Maybe she was falling out of love with me before this happened i guess I'll never know that, she's very deep anyway so it might be that was the case, I'm just not ready to give up on her that easily yet lol. Do you think it's possible that if she sees the physical positive changes I've made and stay happy in myself and focused on my recovery and everything else she could maybe fall for me again with time? Thanks again

Nev

Good on you for trying no one can say you havnt tryed ... I don't know about her falling back in love nev because for the gambling was the last straw then you becoming a new man won't change her feelings, however if it was me I'd be very happy for you to see you are turning your life around but that's just me. My X husband tryed his hardest with me but I couldn't and wouldn't change my mind it had gone and was never comming back. I met a guy after my divorce was with him 2 years I thought life was great and it was but one day out the blue he decided he didn't want to be with me no more, no explanation no nothing it tore me apart so I kinda understand how you are feeling. To this day I don't know why never saw him again. But I did my grieving and moved on. Now I'm 10 years in to my last relationship and couldn't be happier ( aside from the gambling mess) if we don't work out I vowed never again, I'm to old for all that business again lol.. Time will heal nev you are thinking positive Red x