Do I tell all?

Hey Tooshie,

The best you can do and you have done it is coming clean to your partner. Gambling is never the way forward ever. I have had to learn the hard way. Be open to yourself and stop with any lies you may be telling yourself right now which we CG tend to do a lot. Come completely clean to your partner and admit you have a problem which is the first step in seeking help.

It's also good you are here, speak to the advisors on here and get counselling and also some GA meetings may help. I hear they are good for recovery so will be attending my first one tomorrow.

Welcome aboard and hopefully we can all kick this habit some day. Take it one day at a time.

Thanks Geo in a turmoil at present got that much going through my head! busy writing everything down that I owe and I feel physically sick cannot even explain how/when I blew it all. How can he ever forgive me...... I will speak to the advisors on here I think I need to - thx

Hi Tooshie and welcome to the forum :)).

Fight or flight ? Well that's a question only you can answer but by the way He's not already bolted for the door in shock I'd like to believe he's going to stick around and help you which is not something all Compulsive gamblers have the chance of .

You aren't capable yet of looking after your own money safely , so why not allow him to have control ? .

He needs total transparency iver everything though and as your already addmiting a lot why not just get it all out there while you have the chance to , it would be far worse if later on he suddenly realised you'd not mentioned something or worse actually hid it from him when you were supposed to be having a" Truthfull conversation " ?

It can all be sorted but you'll need time and support :))

Hey Tooshi,

All great advice above. I suppose the best way it was described to me was, if you had a terminal illness would you tell your partner? I'm guessing yes, and I see gambling as terminal. I can't decide whether I agree with disease or illness, but it can destroy lives if help is not sought. It will progressively take everything away from you.

Money comes and goes and you can eventually pay back your debts. But if your partner does not know the extent of the problem then you still have secrecy in your relationship, the guilt.......all the things gambling thrives upon. Furthermore, unless the extent is laid out on the table, you and your husband will not be able to take appropriate steps to ensure a successful recovery.

He's still hanging around.....most likely will not take the level of debt well, but you can both work together to sincerely chip away at the debts. The money is one thing, that can be paid back. Continual lying will destroy trust that most likely will not be regained, especially if he thinks you have been honest with him.

I hope this helps! You've taken a massive step by telling him and coming here. The next step is vital to ensure you have the best shot at recovery.

Take care, keep posting!

Really appreciate all the advise - I must admit a have some relief mentally from telling my partner and sharing on this forum. Im now going to continue on this journey and seek counselling as I owe it to myself and even more so to my rock. One day at a time!!

Hi Tooshie

My husband is the recovering CG in the house and I look after all the finances as your partner wants to do. I would recommend giving him access to your credit reports with all three agencies as well as listing your debts by memory. That way he can see there's nothing else hidden. Total transparency and honesty is the way forward.

Has he got support for himself? He will be reeling and it's hard to be the one who has to step up to the plate along with coping with the shock of sudden revelations.

Hi Tooshie1961,

You are a compulsive gambler and you recognise this, finally you have stopped hiding and lying and come clean to your partner which would be a huge weight off your mind. Your partner may not realise the full extent of the problem but is entitled to know. He has stood by you so far and if he supports you through this it will really help your recovery.

He may also need to attend GambleAnon as people who are not compulsive gamblers struggle to understand it adn are hurt by the damage caused. My partner was angry and hurt at first but once she saw I was really working hard at my recovery our relationship has improved 100%.

I would recommend a GA meeting over a councelling session everyday of the week, but both would be the best solution. I went for councellinng first but relapsed but GA is what really changed me and I have no wish to return to gambling. This is because we can fool ourselves and even therapists but we cant fool other compulsive gamblers, they will see straight through us and the key to recovery is total honesty.

I wish you the best on your journey

Thx Joe keep getting panics so frightened to tell him but I know I have to! I feel like running away at present struggling to look at him for the guilt I feel all my doing

I know that feeling, when I had to come clean to my partner I felt like a school kid coming home to tell his parents he is expelled from school. I was frightened and ashamed but I'm so happy I did as it's turned my life around. You will be so glad you did it in the long term.

GoI've told him I'm in debt this morning which he obviously had an idea just not the amount! Hate myself at present and not sure if I'll ever get past this feeling!! Going to sit down later today and reveal all then he will take over managing the everything to do with cash/payments etc not fare on him but I can't be trusted even though the last thing I want to do is gamble makes me wonder am I a gambler or just the fact that the big secret is out so no longer want it? Anyone else feel like this? The pain I've caused us both results in I am willing to walk away and make myself suffer which I feel is right why should he suffer!! I deserve a c**P life for fhis

Hi I am wife of cg, I handle all finance and am happy to. Fair doesn't come into it. Would you leave an alcoholic with the wine pouring? It's temptation. It will help you and give him peace of mind. But be honest. Hand over everything. We also go to GA and gamanon. He may need support too. Good luck!

Thanks for all the advice I've listed everything and in his words he feels happier as he can plan our future now and sort my debts well as best he can gonna take a few years but at least it's all out in the open I do feel a massive weight has been lifted and all down to my ROCK who has stated if it happens again there is no future for us! At present I have no intention of gambling let's hope it stays this way frightening when I read some of the stories of how people fall back into gambling - well if I got no dosh I can't plus I want to put a ban on my mobile any suggestions plz

Well done Tooshie on coming out to your partner, its not easy with all the emotions of self pity, self hatred and shame we have for ourselves as compulsive gamblers to actually tell people. Don't be too harsh on yourself as your partner has stuck by you and is willing to suport you in you battle with this addiction which is great to hear as you will need it. I would highly recommend attending GA meetings. We can put a lot of blocks in place but working hard at a 12 step program (GA is one specific to gamblers) is what is needed for the long term battle. Once you do this, and discuss it regulary with your partner you will find yourself and your relationship gradually improve.

With regard to finances, taking those out of your hands is a big step but essential also, Im over 6 months bet free but still my partner has charge and access to all my finances and credit history (so she would see if I did get a loan or credit card). One thing I have done to aid this is create a monthly budget in the form of a spread sheet which we both have access to. This way i can see the debt I created come down slowly but surely and the money we have to save increase each month. So although I have no control of the money I can plan for things that we need such as holidays etc which almost act like rewards for staying gamble free.

Hi Tooshie1961,

you can find information on blocking software here:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/blocking-software

Well done for taking action, and well done for coming clean.

Keep posting and if you would like further advice or support feel free to also call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here.

All the best,

Eva

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